Tag Archives: roadtrip

WTF Was I Thinking: Real Quotes from the Ravings of a Traveling Madwoman

imageI wrote a lot during my 50-day travel adventure, sometimes at night debriefing the day I just had, sometimes during the day when I saw something bizarre or thought of an idea that seemed worth writing down. Naturally, all of these notes made perfect sense at the time. That being said, I read through everything yesterday and I wrote some pretty strange crap that sounds more like the ravings of a madwoman than anything else.

At any rate, I’d like to share some of my funnier, more bizarre, and enigmatic clips with you. So here’s some of the mental froth I felt compelled to write down. May it make more sense to you than it does to me.

6.29.2014 – Left San Francisco and flew to Chicago

Go after your dreams. Do the shit you love. Follow your passions. Poop yourself and clean it up. It’s going to be something.

I’m going to bitch slap you and your homeschool hands, long skirt and top with sleeves of the same pattern, looks home made but probably came from Macy’s. [In reference to someone in front of me at Caribou Coffee who was taking a long time to order]

6.30.2014 – Chicago

I was kind of hoping that my ear excezma medicine would cause a scene at security. I practically ran through there – my toothpaste was over 3 oz. SUCK IT TSA. It’s an act of mild subversion.

7.1.2014 – Evanston, IL

I want to know have you ever raced bird going across Davis street.

My banana is getting browner and browner, but I don’t want to eat it. Not yet. Huge dump in the toilet.

Always the dilemma – should I just go knock on people’s doors?

7.3.2014 – Nashville, TN

We are hitting up the hard core bougie part of Nashville, and it’s just like – get me some of that trashy stuff. (In reference to eating at a place called Jeni’s ice cream in Nashville)

7.4.2014 – Nashville, TN

Happy Freaking Birthday, You Sassy Daughter of an Empire, oh US of America (trying to come up with blog titles for the day)

7.5.2014 – Nashville, TN

Day after 4th of July and I’m like – whoah there is still hot dog in my stomach […] There is no way I’m going to be able to eat biscuits and gravy when it comes time to eat biscuits and gravy but then again, I’ll definitely be able to eat biscuits and gravy when it comes time to eat them, you know?

Did you know that when you write USA over and over again it just ends up looking like you wanted to say sausage but couldn’t quite get it out over the excitement.

7.9.2014 – Marietta, GA

[On this day, Baby Geniuses was playing on television and I felt the need to take a lot of notes about it. Because I took so many, I won’t include them here. I just wanted to make sure you knew that had happened. Also, that Baby Geniuses is an incredible movie.]

Drawing a turd on the paper. [In reference to a doodle I’d drawn that really did just look like a piece of poo.]

7.10.2014 – Marietta, GA

A dystopian future where semen never dies. [Maybe I was thinking about concepts for books?]

7.11.2014 – Marietta, GA

Okay, let’s be real. It’s just you, me, and this $20 bill for McCracken’s tonight.

7.12.2014 – On the way to Asheville, NC

I can’t do this. Yes you can. No I can’t. Yes you can. [In reference to writing a blog post. I was very tired.]

Spartanburg was terrifying. Imagine a beautiful city without any people in it nestled in the blue ridge mountains. That’s what it was. I think I’m officially a city person. I think that’s what it is. It’s just hard to live somewhere where you can’t see everything all set out before you. Lumpy places indeed.

7.15.2014 – Black Mountain, NC

For starters, I went on an 11 mile hike today – partially on purpose and partially on accident, part of which I was scared I was either going to be eaten by a bear or shot by a bear hunter. I looked down and I was wearing a green shirt, black pants and a grey backpack. I looked like the forest. I might as well have been wearing a bear suit.

7.18.2014 – Black Mountain, NC

Forced myself to wake up for dinner so I could go load up on coffee bcause that’s what I live for. I can easily live without alcohol but I think I’d die for a long time without living if I didn’t have any coffee.

OK I’M BACK FROM DINNER. I had four cups of coffee and some broccoli and some banana cream pie pudding stuff that I know is that not that good but I think it’s so good. Why God?

7.20.2014 – Greenville, SC

Everything is drive thru in South Carolina. Even I’m just driving thru.

7.20.2014 – Charlotte, NC

I know I said I wanted to become an actor and all, but I think what I’ve really become is a wi-fi sponge. Thanks, iPad.

7.23.2014 – Washington, D.C.

love that spacefoil

7.26.2014 – On the Megabus to Boston from D.C.

Realized there are outlets up above me
Germans are eating their sandwiches
Internet is cutting out, causing some tension between the father and daughter.
The Germans’ sandwiches smell really good.
Running into traffic
It’s so slow – so do something else – read a book – I don’t want to – then sleep
It really smells like BBQ in this bus
Neck is hurting
Big yawn behind me
Cardigan’s on
Butt is hurting
buttdate: update

8.1.2014 – NYC, NY

Before food and coffee: NOTHING IS POSSIBLE
After food and coffee: I AM INVINCIBLE

New York City is terrifying. People here are out for blood. Everything is anonymous and people live lonely, isolated lives. Here it’s fight to the death, and while some can’t spend money fast enough, others struggle to even survive. Going outside is dangerous because you might get crushed under the weight of all the human souls in the city. In fact, your own soul might get lost. You need to be careful about that sort of thing.

8.4.2014 – NYC, NY

Did that dude just take a dump and then throw the toilet paper out in the trashcan in the living room? Probably not. [Was people watching at a coffee shop.]

8.20.2014 – San Francisco, CA

Within a day of arriving back in San Francisco, I saw what I think were two public sexual acts in Golden Gate Park.

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Play Me Something Country: A City Woman’s Morning in the Fields

Oklahoma has the longest drivable stretch of Rt. 66 in the entire country. I decided to take advantage of it this morning after dropping my sister off at work and stealing/borrowing her car. I had dreams of driving all the way to northern Texas before I had to return, but didn’t even make it out of the second county because things got interesting.

Here’s a play by play of my morning until 9. And it only got more interesting from here, but you’ll have to see the made for TV movie about my life to find out what happened.

6:00 A.M. CST

Dropped my sister off at work. Have her wheels for the day. Will try not to destroy anything.

6:05 A.M. CST

Pulled up to Beverly’s Pancake House. Looks like some waitresses just started their smoke break. Hope I don’t interrupt it by being that 6 A.M. customer.

Beverly's Pancake House

Beverly’s Pancake House

6:06 A.M. CST

Am definitely that 6 A.M customer and definitely interrupted their smoke break. Tried to apologize for it and the waitress told me not to worry about it, baby. It’s nice to be called baby by an older woman sometimes.

6:46 A.M. CST

Am taking this pancake, this strip of bacon and what’s left of my hashbrowns on the road with me, along with the rest of this book I’m reading, “Lessons from a Desperado Poet.” Time to hit the road. I’m heading to Rt. 66 East.

7:01 A.M. CST

Got turned around somehow. Don’t really know where I’m going but might make more sense to just go on Rt. 66 West since it’s right in front of me.

7:11 A.M. CST

I love everything about what what I’m doing right now. The sun is still rising, the roads are still clear, and I got the entire west of the U.S. in front of me and more diners than I know what to do with. This is awesome.

7:45 A.M. CST

Time to fill up the ‘ol tank with gas. Probably shouldn’t have hopped that curb quite so much. Hope these tires aren’t misaligned now and that my sister doesn’t read this post.

7:58 A.M. CST

Got a coffee from McDonald’s too to seal the deal after taking a piss. Man I can’t help using this country lingo after listening to country jams all morning. Not sure I’m saying them right though. Oh well, ain’t y’all!

8:12 A.M. CST

Saw a sign for Chester’s Party Barn after passing through Piedmont. Looks interesting. I’m going to investigate.

Chester's Party Barn

Chester’s Party Barn

8:21 A.M. CST

Still no sign of the party barn but I’m on a dirt road now. There’s no one out here. I like to stop the car on the road and get out and walk around and feel the solitude. More birds than you can shake a wooden spoon at.

8:27 A.M. CST

Where is Chester’s Party Barn? Is this a trap? Am I going to be shot?

8:42 A.M. CST

Found the party barn. Apparently they do comedy shows. Could this be a new venue for me?


8:43 A.M. CST

Realized there’s dirt all over my pants and the back of my sister’s car. I guess this is what all those country songs are talking about. They make it sound fun, but this kind of sucks.

8:53 A.M. CST



8:59 A.M. CST

Damn I think I’m lost.

9:10 A.M. CST

Found my way again! Just need to follow the signs in the opposite direction of Chester’s Party Barn. Also, I saw a hawk!

9:23 A.M. CST

Stopped at the McDonald’s again to go to the bathroom. Didn’t buy anything this time, but on account of the dirt on my pants, it looks like I went out into the fields to do a drug deal or have a love tryst in between McDonald’s breaks.

9:32 A.M. CST

Back on Rt. 66 West. We’ll take it just a little longer to see where the adventure goes.

NB: this is not Rt. 66. Just pretty picture.

NB: this is not Rt. 66. Just pretty picture.

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It’s Called a Chicken Biscuit, and it’s a Piece of Fried Chicken on a Biscuit and it is Heaven

chicken biscuit

credit: chester’s international

Biscuit. Bis-kit. Bis-cut. Biskt. CHI-cken BIS-cuit. chi-CKEN bis-CUIT. CHI-CKEN biscuit. chi-CKEN BIS-cuit. Okay we’re through warming up, just try saying it with me now.

“I’ll have a chicken biscuit.”

Okay, that was pretty good. Try saying it again like it’s 10:23 on a Saturday morning.

“I’ll have a chicken biscuit.”

I think we’re getting there. Say it again, and it’s 10:24 on a Saturday morning. You’re wearing flip flops, wind shorts, and a tank top with an eagle on it. It’s 87 degrees outside but cold as ice inside and you haven’t had anything to eat all morning. You just parked your car in a gravel parking lot that bordered a field that bordered a southeastern forest. Also, add a sweet tea to your order because you’re in Georgia, stupid.

“I’ll have a chicken biscuit and a sweet tea.”

Okay, I think that’s it. You did it. You ordered a chicken biscuit without making yourself look foolish. Congratulations.

I heard a story once about a man who asked what a chicken biscuit was. After a moment of silence, he was told that a chicken biscuit is a biscuit with a piece of fried chicken on it. Lucky him, he got to eat those words. It’s an astoundingly simple dish that confuses people who look for complicated answers.

But there’s no complication here, just some lightly breaded and fried chicken between two halves of a tender, flaky, buttery biscuit. Feel free to add honey to it, if that’s your thing. Or maybe you’d like some hot sauce, or some strawberry jam. At this point, you can make it into your very own frankenchickenbiscuit sandwich because it already has everything it needs to be incredible.

I’ve felt for a long time that the biscuit has not been given the appreciation it deserves across the entire United States. I went to a restaurant this morning in Marietta, GA, where half of the menu consisted of different variations on the biscuit i.e. the ham biscuit, the sausage biscuit, the baked biscuit, the fried biscuit, the chicken gravy biscuit, the biscuits and sausage gravy and so on and so forth.

I went simple and got just a chicken biscuit and slathered honey all across that mother busker. As I took bite after tender, flakey, chicken-y bite, I could only think of how much better off the world would be if they had this kind of delight in San Francisco, and Bozeman, and Indianapolis, and Rome, and anywhere there are humans that enjoy eating food for sustenance, community, and sheer pleasure.

Sure, we’d have to watch what we ate for the rest of the day and not make a habit of eating chicken biscuits for breakfast more than once a week, but we could do it. If we can put a man on the moon, if we can post millions of pictures of ourselves on the internet and call it a social movement, then we can moderate our biscuit intake.

That’s all I’m asking for. I’m just a woman with a college degree in international relations asking to spread the biscuit love across the US. It’s not too hard, is it?

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