An Open Apology to Innocent Girls Everywhere

No no no, it’s alright. There there, I’ll get you a pony. It’s going to be fine.

Dear girls and a few boys,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you, for the unwanted nightmares, for the blind fear you’ve probably felt as a direct result of my blog. I’m sorry for the bizarre and uncomfortable thoughts I’ve exposed you to and the resulting compulsive habits you developed such as refusing to turn on faucet in the bathroom without a parent nearby or googling with your eyes closed. I’m sorry your pigtails have been electrified with terror and your precious eyes bugged out in horror. Careful, you’ll get your face stuck like that.

I hope you know I never meant to harm you.

I’ve been writing this blog for a little over a year now.When I first started, I was kind of like you: I knew nothing. I was an naïve blogger that just wanted to talk about her life, punctuated. I didn’t know how search engines worked, or the fact that far into the future, the vast majority of the hits on my website would come from children searching for images of my little pony and Belle the princess from Beauty and the Beast.

How was I supposed to know that Google’s crazy mixed up logarithm would rank my site as being an appropriate resource for images of Belle and My Little Pony? Did the logarithm know the secret behind the pictures? Did it know the content of the actual article written behind the images? Oh the humanity.

An elementary school girl (or boy) searches for Belle on google and unknowingly clicks on my site. The image is indeed the fair lass clad in yellow, but the article is one in which I pitch her and Beatrix Kiddo, of Kill Bill fame, in a fight to the death. All I have to say is: I’m sorry. I didn’t know you would be reading it. But if you did read it, you might as well tell me what you thought of it. Was it too much? Just right? Okay okay you’re scarred I get it.

And for all of you lovely lads and lasses searching for any variation of pink pony or little pink pony or any adorable construction therein, no doubt you have found my snippet of a story called “The land of tiny pink ponies and tiny pink pony eaters.” In this story, the adorable, glittery, pony playthings lived in constant fear of being devoured or falling into a poisonous river that dissolved their cute pony flesh. Girls, boys, what did you think of the story? Too gruesome? How do you usually plan your ponies’ deaths? You don’t? Oh.

So I just wanted to say I’m sorry to all those budding minds out there. It’s not my fault I have no idea how Search Engine Optimization works. Should I write a letter to the Google bot and tell it to remove my site from that search? Do I fax something somewhere?

Maybe the kids would know how to do it.

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88 thoughts on “An Open Apology to Innocent Girls Everywhere

  1. Hello. You mean ‘algorithm’ not ‘logarithm’. They are two different things and the one Google uses is an ‘algorithm’. Congratulations on getting Freshly Pressed

  2. Lilica says:

    Poor kids. They must be so horrified because you unknowingly terrorized them. Hahahaha.

  3. KOKAY says:

    Thought I was the only one with this kind of “problem”. People come to my blog because they are searching for “Matt Bomer’s butt”. I am yet to tell them I don’t own the guy’s butt.

    Maybe we should make a club out of this? >_<

  4. artzent says:

    Wow, freshly pressed! You must be feeling a little better about your writing now. I have always loved you humor.

  5. goodwithcoffee says:

    You can tell Google not to crawl your site. : ) http://support.google.com/webmasters/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=93708 There’s probably a way to do it through WordPress, too.

    ; )

    Cute post, though.

  6. valety94 says:

    I don’t even want to think about how much worse things children come across in the internet!

    http://personalbyv.wordpress.com/

  7. mandyf says:

    Reblogged this on Stuff I Write and commented:
    I’m sorry.

    I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you, for the unwanted nightmares, for the blind fear you’ve probably felt as a direct result of my blog. I’m sorry for the bizarre and uncomfortable thoughts I’ve exposed you to and the resulting compulsive habits you developed such as refusing to turn on faucet in the bathroom without a parent nearby or googling with your eyes closed. I’m sorry your pigtails have been electrified with terror and your precious eyes bugged out in horror. Careful, you’ll get your face stuck like that.

    I hope you know I never meant to harm you.

    I’ve been writing this blog for a little over a year now.When I first started, I was kind of like you: I knew nothing. I was an naïve blogger that just wanted to talk about her life, punctuated. I didn’t know how search engines worked, or the fact that far into the future, the vast majority of the hits on my website would come from children searching for images of my little pony and Belle the princess from Beauty and the Beast.

  8. Very fresh. Deserved to be freshly pressed. Thanks for sharing such original thoughts.

  9. Ha! Ha! This was so funny! Just as well they got an early education on the fact that pink ponies will no longer exists in the adult world!

  10. That happens more times than you know. Don’t fret. Just go in to your blog site and change the title. google will see the change and first give you a different rating and position, usually better and secondly you will stop showing up under “my little pony”. I hope this works for you as I can understand you not really wanting to scare the kids. Please check out my latest e-book “A Fly On the Wall, A Bartender’s Perspective”, I hope it puts a smile on your face and relieves a little tension. http://secretsofabartender.wordpress.com/

  11. jojowah says:

    I’m quite traumatized right now.

  12. This is hilarious! Maybe send an email to Google?

    http://stepstochangetheworld.wordpress.com/

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