An Open Apology to Innocent Girls Everywhere

No no no, it’s alright. There there, I’ll get you a pony. It’s going to be fine.

Dear girls and a few boys,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you, for the unwanted nightmares, for the blind fear you’ve probably felt as a direct result of my blog. I’m sorry for the bizarre and uncomfortable thoughts I’ve exposed you to and the resulting compulsive habits you developed such as refusing to turn on faucet in the bathroom without a parent nearby or googling with your eyes closed. I’m sorry your pigtails have been electrified with terror and your precious eyes bugged out in horror. Careful, you’ll get your face stuck like that.

I hope you know I never meant to harm you.

I’ve been writing this blog for a little over a year now.When I first started, I was kind of like you: I knew nothing. I was an naïve blogger that just wanted to talk about her life, punctuated. I didn’t know how search engines worked, or the fact that far into the future, the vast majority of the hits on my website would come from children searching for images of my little pony and Belle the princess from Beauty and the Beast.

How was I supposed to know that Google’s crazy mixed up logarithm would rank my site as being an appropriate resource for images of Belle and My Little Pony? Did the logarithm know the secret behind the pictures? Did it know the content of the actual article written behind the images? Oh the humanity.

An elementary school girl (or boy) searches for Belle on google and unknowingly clicks on my site. The image is indeed the fair lass clad in yellow, but the article is one in which I pitch her and Beatrix Kiddo, of Kill Bill fame, in a fight to the death. All I have to say is: I’m sorry. I didn’t know you would be reading it. But if you did read it, you might as well tell me what you thought of it. Was it too much? Just right? Okay okay you’re scarred I get it.

And for all of you lovely lads and lasses searching for any variation of pink pony or little pink pony or any adorable construction therein, no doubt you have found my snippet of a story called “The land of tiny pink ponies and tiny pink pony eaters.” In this story, the adorable, glittery, pony playthings lived in constant fear of being devoured or falling into a poisonous river that dissolved their cute pony flesh. Girls, boys, what did you think of the story? Too gruesome? How do you usually plan your ponies’ deaths? You don’t? Oh.

So I just wanted to say I’m sorry to all those budding minds out there. It’s not my fault I have no idea how Search Engine Optimization works. Should I write a letter to the Google bot and tell it to remove my site from that search? Do I fax something somewhere?

Maybe the kids would know how to do it.

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88 thoughts on “An Open Apology to Innocent Girls Everywhere

  1. tedmcwhirter says:

    I got naked for my blog (it was a self-esteem building thing). Ever since then, the top search terms for my blog have been ‘naked ladies’ and ‘lovely boobs’. I am levelling the playing field for you – yes, small girls may have been surprised to find your blog in their search for Disney princesses but, for every one of them, I’ve thwarted a porn-hunter. It pleases me to imagine them, excited about the prospect of seeing ‘breasts and bums’ and instead stuck reading about my girly journey of self-improvement!!
    Hope that eases your guilt 🙂
    Alis
    http://www.alphabetteringmyself.com

  2. I really just have to ask this, is that photo in our post you when you were a child? it’s so adorable!! :))

  3. You should definitely send a fax. Or maybe call the Google beeper. Definitely.

  4. shovonc says:

    It took me more than two minutes. I want my money back!

  5. Cafe says:

    LMAO!! So hilarious, omg. You kill me =P

  6. Nicolle says:

    Congrats of freshly pressed!
    I particularly like these questions: “Girls, boys, what did you think of the story? Too gruesome? How do you usually plan your ponies’ deaths? You don’t? Oh.”

    But, I don’t think you owe them any apologies, because they’re not as innocent as you think they are.

  7. look at you on freshly pressed! congratz!

  8. Grumpa Joe says:

    What are you apologizing for? Writing the stuff of life? Forget Google, it is the parents responsibility to keep curly haired little girls off the i-net.

  9. Molly says:

    HAHA way too funny! Congrats on being FP – and glad you are so I can read more! Keep up the good work!

  10. leena77 says:

    Tragic! Simply tragic….HA! 😛

  11. This is hilariously great!

  12. well already I’m drawn to the my little ponies story

  13. justincaynon says:

    I wrote a post about D&D being played by porn stars…imagine all the boners that ruined.

  14. shanz83 says:

    Awesome sauce. I have an old blog post about a rather embarrassing moment from my high school years where on a biology exam we had to label the parts of the human heart. Instead of ‘septum’ I labeled it ‘scrotum’… I recreated the diagram and posted it. Most hits to my blog, to this day, are from people searching “grade 11 labeled diagram of the heart.” I sincerely hope I haven’t actually convinced young minds that the scrotum is in the heart.

    And my ponies totally died all the time. They usually galloped off cliffs… but I think this is because I only had brothers and they only way they’d play ponies with me was if there was some blood, guts and gore.

  15. Kinza Ahmed says:

    Hahahah.. Good God! Internet and its odd miscommunication issues. Its promise to serve all is kind of messy but appreciated. And so is your apology!

  16. I have a similar problem with my site…usually creepy pervs looking for exotic naked women and end up getting my diary of divorce 🙂 Great post!

  17. susielindau says:

    Snotting! 🙂
    I have the craziest SEO’s on mine too. Some a fairly easy to figure out, but others leave me scratching my head. (Does anyone really do that? ….scratches head…)
    I have often wondered if they were disappointed by that fact that I have no naked pictures on my blog even though the word naked is in their search.
    Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  18. shelconnors says:

    High-larious! Definitely headed over to read “The land of tiny pink ponies and tiny pink pony eaters” now- my curiousity is piqued 🙂

  19. L.A. says:

    Oh, don’t apologize for the search engines. For every pony searcher that’s found your site, there’s a porn addict searching for “women lifting leg and” and finding you.

  20. I accept your apology. Will you also pay for the therapy I’ve had to endure? The sleepless nights and daytime visions have really screwed me up. So. No. I’ve decided not to accept your apology. Never mind.

  21. Haha, very clever.

    Cheers!
    Courtney Hosny

  22. Ok, so like we’re scarred for life – next thing you know, you’ll be saying there’s no Santa Claus…YIKES! LOL

  23. Not a big deal!
    Do you mind checking out my site http://www.candelacouture.com, its new and i would love your opinion!
    Thanks so much and dont worry, overreaction to the max!

  24. Juliette says:

    Thanks for giving me a laugh that will last for the rest of the day! And my daughter is always looking up something for her homework assignments and half the things she comes up with turn out to be porn (yes, just wait until your kiddies start to study Greek Mythology!)

  25. 2A-Art says:

    People are supposed to write here what they think, the readers are responsible for their choice.

  26. I’m laughing, even while I feel sorry for those poor kids.

  27. Hysterical…you definitely owe them an apology. They are innocent, after all. The majority of my search engine traffic comes from people searching “How to fix a broken penis.” Those people? NOT INNOCENT.

    (…and no, I don’t blog routinely about broken penises — rather, my blog is about my crazy life, post-blindsiding divorce! There may have been one time. But it was in reference to a tiara. Of penises. That broke. So there.).

    😉

  28. If reading your blog upsets the younger generation then they need to fess up to their parents and get their internet use monitored. I know I used to monitor my step-sons activities on facebook and the anarchists cookbook website just to ensure he was growing up a relatively well balanced individual and not a psychotic schizophrenic like me, haha

  29. I wrote a fake, satirical post of a psychological profile for a job application and a “Job Application Template” website linked to it as a real thing. I thought about telling them their error, then decided in favor of the alternative.

  30. […] recent post, from a fellow blogger has lead me to look back on my history with the internet.  The sites I used to go to, the things […]

  31. Audrey says:

    Now you’ve done it! I hope you feel bad. I just wanted to see a picture of a unicorn pony….

  32. Oh no, poor kids… Oh well! The things we have to sacrifice for our entertainment. 😀 Will have to go read those stories.

  33. jensine says:

    too true … it’s all googles fault

  34. Rich Crete says:

    I’m really not concerned about the kiddos……I’m like that.
    But you caused nightmares for me many many months ago when you talked about RUNNING OUT OF POPTARTS! and those nightmares continue today. You may not have meant harm but words do have consequences.

  35. maybe their mommies and daddies ought to keep a closer eye on what their children are reading online.

  36. tomwisk says:

    Don’t fret, we’ll get over it. Keep on doing what your doing, that’s why we follow you.

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