Tag Archives: funny

San Francisco Missed Connections: Tales of Two Muni’s Passing in the Night

imageI’d say I have about three to four missed connections on a daily basis, people who know that I know that they know that something special is going on between us but we’re too shy and across the street from each other to say anything about it. It can be heartbreaking, but it doesn’t have to be. That’s why craigslist missed connections exists. It is the number one way for you to mimic online the experience of shouting your love feelings into a well in the middle of the Idahoan prairie or putting a love letter into a glass bottle and then throwing it into the recycling bin on trash day.

Though I’ve never posted anything on the missed connections board before, I thought I’d go ahead and try it out here for tone and style. Also, I just want to get real here. Missed connections happen. If you think I missed you, please leave a note at the UCSF Flight Attendant Study Terrace. Then, let me find you. In the meantime, see if you’re one of the below:

Cuff links and cologne – w4m (Duboce Triangle)

You might not have seen me but I smelled you the second you got on the N Judah at the Noe stop. You sat next to me and I was enveloped in your cologne like a letter in an envelope. Your cuff links spoke to me like sprinkles. Your circle glasses reminded me of Mrs. Trelaway. Let’s go walk our dogs together.

Whole foods hottie – w4m (Portrero Hill)

Your hair has blonde highlights and your bulging biceps are tattooed. I saw you reach up to pull your hair back and it was like I was looking at Atlas reaching up to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders. You looked back and your jaw line smote me. I could listen to you talk about cheese all night.

You brushed my bangs away and stole my heart – w4m (Inner sunset)

You looked down at me and smiled and I thought I knew you so I smiled back. Then you brushed my bangs away and I realized I had no idea who you were. Whiskey on your breath and confidence in your gaze, you engaged me in conversation, refusing to give me your full name so I could look you up on LinkedIn. I don’t have a job anymore, so I don’t care about that stuff. Your name was Pablo, and my name is yours.

T-mobile support line flirt – w4m (Inner Sunset)

I called to change some info on my T-mobile account. You told me your name was Devan and that you were in Florida. We chatted for minutes on end. I was eating cherries and you said you wanted some, and I knew exactly what you were talking about. You have my number…give me a call.

Sketch artist at coffee shop – w4m (Mission)

I was sitting at a coffee shop and you were drawing faces on your sketch pad. I think we are in love. If you think you know who I am, tweet at me.

Balding data architect with twinkling eyes and a penchant for recreational marijuana – w4m (SOMA)

We met at a company holiday party. We ate the shrimp. We laughed, we danced, and then the carriage turned back into a pumpkin and I went home to the Inner Sunset. You taught me to say that people “write Hadoop.” Nerd. If you want to take this where it needs to go, send me an email from my own account.

Magician with chestnut eyes – w4m (Colorado, summer 2007)

You were in high school and I had just graduated. You had very nice eyes and showed me a magic trick near the pool. Then walked away into the night. I kept the torn card for a long time. What are your secrets?

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14-ish Things That Happen When You Return to Your Hometown

i am!

i am!

After leaving, can we ever really go home again? The question has been posed time and again by singers, writers and poets of many generations. It’s kind of silly because the answer is obviously yes. We can definitely go home, but it’s usually a little weird and can even be uncomfortable.

If you’ve ever gone through the experience of living away from home and then coming back after a while, you’ll probably relate to one or more of these.

1. Your parents have done something new with their house. It might be a new couch, or a new door, but whatever it is, it reminds you that nothing is sacred and nothing stays the same.

2. A business that you loved and / or saw constantly will be gone. “Why, Homeplate hot dogs, why?! I never got to try your savory dogs!”

3.  You remember all the reasons you left your hometown in the first place. “Really, camo-vest, man? Do you have to take up two parking spots in your Ford 350?”

4. Certain places become “minefields” where you’re doomed to run in to people that you went to high school with, and we all know how much you loved high school. Not.

5.  Inevitably, you’ll run in to someone you know, and then both of you will either fight the urge to or wholeheartedly engage in “catching up,” also known as “dick measuring.” Recent trips, relationship statuses, current jobs and apartment sizes must all be covered and compared.

6. Your hometown will surprise you i.e. “Where did that Moroccan tea place come from?” “Wow, vape places are really popular.” “Interesting, didn’t know that Shepler’s Western wear had a store here.”

7. You’ll go to a bar, see one of the popular kids, and freak out a little bit. You’ll try to reason with yourself and be like, “Nah, it’s cool. I live out of state now,” but beneath that pscho-babble there is real fear and an acknowledgement that this is not your turf. It belongs to the polo shirts.

8. You’ll resolve to never go to the aforementioned bar again and give another excuse for not going besides cowardice i.e. “the vibe wasn’t really for me.”

9. While grocery shopping, you’ll feel like a complete jackass for looking for Belgian endives.

10. Occasionally, someone will mention a person or place to you that you’ve kind of forgotten and they will be surprised that you don’t remember what you’re talking about. Secretly, you like when this happens. It means your brain has been filled up with more interesting things.

11. Someone you used to know will see you and enthusiastically comment on how good you look. This will happen regardless of your appearance. You know this, but you’ll still leave the conversation wondering if you really look that good. You hope so.

12. When you get off the plane, you look around wondering if there are any old crushes or enemies lurking about. There never are.

13. Despite your best efforts, you will compare your hometown and the city where you now live in front of other people. Whatever you say will be boring and kill the conversation and you’ll hate yourself for doing it, but you’ll do it at least three more times before leaving town.

14. If you’re staying with your parents, you will revert to childhood and find yourself roughhousing on the couch with your sister with your mom in the kitchen yelling, “If anything happens, I’m not paying for it.” This will mean more to you now that you have your own health insurance (or lack of it.)

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Classic Odysseus, Returning Home to the Bed of My Youth

imageAfter a flight from La Guardia with two screaming babies, a connecting flight from Dallas Fort Worth to Oklahoma City, a short drive from the airport to my sister’s house, another short drive to a restaurant for a heavy meal, yet another short drive to my other sister’s house for a slice of pie, and then one last short drive to my parent’s house, I’m finally home. Kind of.

I’m in the house I grew up in for six years while going to middle school and high school just down the road in Edmond, OK.

My sisters live in Oklahoma City now and as we were driving through I saw all manner of exciting things: Great Gravy Diner, a Pho place, three thrift shops, a drive-thru Thai place, a Moroccan restaurant, and a strange building with a gold dome. Most of the buildings look a little run down and they’re spread out and each have their own parking lot, but there’s a definite “vibe” here. There’s definitely stuff going on.

When I was growing up in Edmond (suburb of OKC), I was a dumb teenager. I didn’t think OKC was “cool,” or that there could possibly be anything interesting to do. Granted, I had little money and couldn’t drink alcohol so many of the best parts of the city were closed off to me.

Now, however, this place is teeming with excitement. Even the 24-hour vape place seems fascinating. I don’t know if OKC has gotten cooler, or if I’ve gotten more curious, but now it seems impossible to me that I didn’t think growing up here was the best cultural gift anyone’s ever been given. It’s like I don’t even know my hometown because I thought it was so lame growing up that I didn’t bother to explore it.

It’s also interesting being in this house again, sleeping in what used to be my brother’s room which was stricktly off limits to sisters lest his brooding be interrupted. It’s just me and my parents now and it’s like,,,well… looks like the kids are growing up, stumbling and staggering off in different directions and hoping we’re not making decisions that will haunt us. Only time will tell.

Until then, I still have a home here, until it’s no longer my home and my parents move or I live somewhere else for a million years and come back and realize I’ve forgotten where all the light switches are. Funny how in school they teach you a lot of stuff but don’t really prepare you for anything that difficult. Except for the tests, which they create. It’s effed up, man.

But anyways, here’s to making a hometown new again. *clink*

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Why Does My Mouth Taste Like Garlic and Other Deep Questions Inspired by the Blue Ridge Mountains

Blue Ridge Mountains

Blue Ridge Mountains

Why does my mouth taste like garlic?

Who’s more of an animal, me or the black bear I saw this morning?

When I touch a rock on top of Rattlesnake Point, does the rock touch me back?

Is life an infinite amount of moments or one long moment?

Are all trees part of one big tree that is slowly spreading across the earth and will eventually sprout from our abdomens?

Do flies get annoyed by their own buzzing?

If the Blue Ridge Mountains are actually green but only appear to be blue, does that mean there is no truth?

If a straight line is the shortest distance between two points, and straight roads are impossible to find in the mountains, does that mean beauty is inefficient?

If I put my clothes into the dryer to make them less wet, and put a dehumidifier in my room to make the air less damp, does that mean that dryers are dehumidifiers for clothes?

Do the trees ever get tired of humans wondering if they make a sound when they fall down?

If someone told me that the Blue Ridge Mountains are the oldest mountain range in the world, and I believe them, does that make it true?

Can I control things with my mind?

If I talk to the trees, does that make them my friends?

If a woman falls down in the forest and starts screaming, but there’s no one to hear her scream, is she actually screaming?

What’s worse, dying by bear attack, or dying having never been attacked by a bear?

What’s for dinner?

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The Life of a Grown Ass, Improv-ing, Traveling Lady Nerd Ain’t Easy

nerd: (noun) (informal): a foolish or contemptible person who lacks social skills or is boringly studious. Synonyms: bore; a single-minded expert in a particular technical field. Synonyms: badass

nerd alert

nerd alert

Before all of this, before the improv glory and the blog fame, before I knew how to order coffee and shamelessly ask for water at bars, there was just me with a purse full of pens, and I was a nerd.

I did not realize this growing up. I didn’t think I was cool, but I certainly did not consider myself of the nerdly sort. There were, however, blatant clues that I missed, like the fact I listened to The Lord of the Rings soundtrack on repeat for much of my senior year of high school and tried to write a poem about track 17.

And now, years after high school, I’ve matured into a full fledged traveling, improv-ing grown-ass lady nerd, which pretty much means I do what I want and don’t give a s****j.

Maybe you’re like me. Maybe you’ve also felt the pull of the bookshelves at a friend’s house and spent 30 minutes perusing, and also using the word perusing in your head. Maybe your first destination in most cities is the public library or a museum. Maybe you read academic articles for fun and enjoy wordplay. Maybe you also relish finding used bookstores on your travels and then sit and enjoy a cup of coffee with your new book. Secretly, however, you’re peeking over the top of its pages and imagining a life with the man on the other side of the cafe who has a very ironic mustache and is reading something by Alice Munro.

Maybe you’re him. Maybe you’re that man. Are you that man? Is it you? Do you like the book Dear Life? I almost read that one, but I went against it for Empire Falls. Did I make the right decision? Should we be together forever? Oh oops, I haven’t even introduced myself. I’m Emily and you’re….

No, tell me your name! I mean, you’re clearly smart, funny, attractive, well-kempt, good-smelling, and you like reading, so just tell me your name. We have so much in common let’s grow old together! Wait – where are you going? Come back! I love you! No don’t leave me here!

(sits down in silence)

Being a traveling, improv-ing, grown-ass lady nerd might not get all the men. But it will get at least one. Eventually. Good thing I have my tennis shoes on. All the better for chasing you down with, my pretty.

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