Tag Archives: dogs

Dear God I’m Becoming One of Those Crazy Dog People

imageThe only living thing I own besides the millions of bacteria in my gut is my plant Deb, who is a succulent. She prefers to be watered about once a month but can live forever without any moisture whatsoever, because she’s a badass. She’s not like other pets.

In contrast, Rosie – my sister’s dog who I’m taking care of for the weekend – needs to be watered daily, even multiple times a day. She’s an English Springer Spaniel puppy that is part demon, part beauty queen and completely adorable.

I’ve enjoyed spending time with her and cuddling with her and all of that, but I’ve noticed that I’ve taken on some of the more annoying mannerisms I see in “dog people,” the kinds of people who throw their pooches birthday parties and refer to themselves as the dog’s mom or dad, which I find disturbing. Here are some of the most pressing ones:

1. Referring to my sister and brother-in-law as Rosie’s parents i.e. “Rosie, do you miss mommy and daddy?”

2. Talking to Rosie is a high pitched sing song voice and saying thing like, “Rosie, do you see the birds? Do you know what a crow is? I bet you wish you could fly.”

3. Taking bad pictures of Rosie and then posting on social media.

4. Telling family both what you did during the day and everything that Rosie did and ate and how cute she was and wondering why they don’t care that much about Rosie.

5. Bragging about how pretty Rosie is at the dog park in an underhanded way. “Is that your dog? She’s beautiful!” “Yeah, Rosie’s my sister’s dog. I’m just the dog sitter, but yeah she is gorgeous. Purebred.”

6. Planning my day and life around the dog, avoiding staying out too late because I need to go back and give Rosie night cuddles.

7. Picking up dog poop and forgetting how disgusting / weird it is.

8. Thinking life with a dog is better than any other life that could possibly exist.

9. Feeling very proud for very small things, like if Rosie plays with another dog at the park, or does a good job fetching. Telling family members about her small accomplishments.

10. Obsessively try to get Rosie to make friends at the dog park and talk to her in that high sing song voice, “Rosie, go play with that dog! She’s the same size as you. Be friends!”

11. Talk to Rosie even when there are other humans around. Ignore the other humans.

12. Thinking Rosie and I have a spiritual connection that spans species and life expectancies.

All in all, it’s been fun. I’m not ready for a furry pet yet, but I’m sure I’ll overwhelm Deb with attention when I get back to SF next week. She’ll need strength.

Tagged , , , ,

10 Valuable Lessons I Learned Today that I’ll Probably Relearn Tomorrow

coffee spilling

                                                                    the worst thing in the world

They say you learn something new every day, and that’s partially true. What’s more true is that as you learn something new every day, you also re-experience the agony of about 10 lessons you already knew that haven’t sunk in yet. Here are just a few of the ones I went through again today.

1. Leave more room than you think you’ll need in your coffee cup. Otherwise, it will overflow when you add milk like it did yesterday and the 363 days before that.

2. When in doubt while hiking in the Kennesaw Mountain Battlefield Park near Marietta, GA, bear left on all the trail forks. That way you won’t end up having to trespass on a country-dweller’s land just to get back to the road where you’ll end up walking an extra 2 miles on a sidewalk-less highway in the sun with a dog with a death wish.

3. Don’t bring a house dog to do a woman’s hike. Some labradoodles aren’t meant to do more than 15 minutes of light jogging in the shade and will try to throw themselves under cars if made to walk more than 30 minutes.

4. If it takes more than one minute to open up the hot fudge jar, it means you’re not meant to have any. Don’t treat it like a physical challenge and then decide after finally opening the jar that it’s not good enough. Especially don’t spend another minute opening up a different jar of a different brand of hot fudge.

5. Don’t decide to write a one act, four part radio play about the Civil War to act out by yourself in the basement. You’ll just end up overwhelming yourself and then taking a nap.

6. Don’t try to impress your friends by using sophisticated terms to critique the improv show you saw together since you’ve taken some improv classes and know a thing or two. No one cares about whether or not the “players” made “strong choices” with “solid edits” or had “authentic relationships.” They just want to talk about what made them laugh.

7. The next time your suggestion is chosen at an improv show and the douchebag in front of you tries to give a different one, avoid yelling “SHUT IT” in his face. It’s not very endearing, and you don’t need to stoop to his level.

8. Gloating is never a good look, and doing fist pumps after the restaurant manager says he’ll give you half off is tacky. Wait until after you’ve left the restaurant to celebrate.

9. Don’t get yourself into a one-upping texting situation without an exit strategy. Say hahaha and leave it at that.

10. Don’t honk back at someone who honks at you because you made a driving error and it’s clearly your fault. Do something else, like swear in your car.

Tagged , , , , , ,

I regret teaching my dog to lick my face

And for today, a great guest post from Thoughtsy of Thoughts Appear as she shares with us something that she immediately regretted doing. After reading this story, even though it is short, I felt very real pain for everyone involved, except the dog.

I immediately regret teaching my dog to lick my face

Never teach your dog “kisses.” Ever. Just stick to the basics, like “sit” and “stay.” Maybe even “shake” just to be polite.

Our new puppy, a cute little bundle of fur named Ozzy, loves to put everything in his mouth. Including my face.

To teach him that licking is ok but biting is not, I started saying, “kisses” and offering up my chin for the slobbery sacrifice.

Now Ozzy gives kisses on command as well as whenever he’s in someone’s lap. Most importantly, he never nips anymore.

On a ride home from the vet, instead of something going in Ozzy’s mouth, something came out. Puke. In the car.

While my boyfriend cleaned up, Ozzy and I went inside for some cuddling.

With his tail attempting to wag, Ozzy trotted over and collapsed into my lap, and we cuddled.

Thoughtsy: Poor puppy. Come here, Ozzy!

Boyfriend: Is he okay?

Thoughtsy: Yeah. He just needed some hugs and kisses.

As his panting, puky breath wafted up to my nose, I gagged. And Ozzy’s slobbery tongue licked not only my chin, but the inside of
my mouth.

Thoughtsy: The puppy just made it to first base!

Boyfriend: Let’s just make sure he doesn’t get to second….

Ozzy practicing 2nd and 3rd base maneuvers on his toy.

I immediately regretted teaching Ozzy to lick my face at the word “kisses.”

I also regretted not buying more mouthwash the last time I was at the store.

Tagged , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: