Tag Archives: animals

Aug 27 2014
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San Francisco

San Francisco: Where the Bison Roam

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I’m back in San Francisco for good (for now), and from hereon out, I will continue to do what I do most often/best, which is write about daily experiences in a way that is humorous and hopefully touching. Since I’m San Francisco based, I will most often write about the things I see and do in this city.

Speaking of which, there’s something you should know about. Some of you might already know about it. Others have heard but think it’s a false rumor. Still others of you will have no idea what I’m talking about. Most will have stopped reding altogether and are looking for new gifs to send their co-workers.

I’m talking about the bison that right now, at this very moment in time, no matter when you’re reading this even if it’s far into the future or even just tomorrow, that there are bison right now quietly grazing in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. Some of them are lying down. One might be pooping or thinking about it. Another is standing looking out at the trees that are probably clouded in fog. I don’t know what they’re doing, but they’re there.

The rumors and park signage about bison in Golden Gate Park are true. They’re there and I have now seen them for myself, with my own eyes.

I was out for one of my now-regular morning jogs and it was almost time to turn around and go back to the house but I’d seen something recently about the bison and they were on my mind. Perhaps I would make my way to the famed Bison Paddock.

Besides, I thought to myself, I don’t really have anything to get back to, so I might as well explore the northwestern side of Golden Gate park which I believed was mostly a myth.

But it is myth no longer. I ventured farther and farther into the unknown regions of the park. I saw a sign for the Bison Paddock, so I knew I was close. I wondered what other scenarios would be appropriate to use the word paddock in. I got tired of running.

Then the road forked and went on a slight incline and all of the sudden I was above a field that spread out to my right and there they were, the giant shaggy beasts that used to roam the plains and make thunder with their hooves. There were about eight of them, gently grazing in the paddock like Twitter had never even been invented.

It was the essence of serenity, just watching these animals graze, totally absorbed in the ground right at their feet and unconcerned with anything else. It was beauty.

I reluctantly jogged on and at the next intersection, a man on a bike started yelling at a car just ahead of him, “Why the f***k are you sitting there?! Why the f***k are you just sitting there!?” The car was turning right and had a red light and a chance to turn but didn’t take it. I guess the biker was just in a hurry.

Maybe he could have learned a lesson from the bison on how to not be an asshole.

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Jul 14 2014
1 Comment
Wassup USA?

Me and My Pet Bear Named Mouse

In lieu of writing more words today, I’d like to share with you a picture I drew of my new pet bear and I walking on an enchanted pathway of fruit through a forest filled with fruiting trees. My bear’s name is Mouse, and I’ve lost both of my feet as a result of the mystical journey. Nevertheless, I am happy to be alive and have a cool pet bear.

 

Pet Bear

 

 

 

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Sep 07 2012
17 Comments
Guest Posts, Humorous, One minute read

I regret teaching my dog to lick my face

And for today, a great guest post from Thoughtsy of Thoughts Appear as she shares with us something that she immediately regretted doing. After reading this story, even though it is short, I felt very real pain for everyone involved, except the dog.

I immediately regret teaching my dog to lick my face

Never teach your dog “kisses.” Ever. Just stick to the basics, like “sit” and “stay.” Maybe even “shake” just to be polite.

Our new puppy, a cute little bundle of fur named Ozzy, loves to put everything in his mouth. Including my face.

To teach him that licking is ok but biting is not, I started saying, “kisses” and offering up my chin for the slobbery sacrifice.

Now Ozzy gives kisses on command as well as whenever he’s in someone’s lap. Most importantly, he never nips anymore.

On a ride home from the vet, instead of something going in Ozzy’s mouth, something came out. Puke. In the car.

While my boyfriend cleaned up, Ozzy and I went inside for some cuddling.

With his tail attempting to wag, Ozzy trotted over and collapsed into my lap, and we cuddled.

Thoughtsy: Poor puppy. Come here, Ozzy!

Boyfriend: Is he okay?

Thoughtsy: Yeah. He just needed some hugs and kisses.

As his panting, puky breath wafted up to my nose, I gagged. And Ozzy’s slobbery tongue licked not only my chin, but the inside of
my mouth.

Thoughtsy: The puppy just made it to first base!

Boyfriend: Let’s just make sure he doesn’t get to second….

Ozzy practicing 2nd and 3rd base maneuvers on his toy.

I immediately regretted teaching Ozzy to lick my face at the word “kisses.”

I also regretted not buying more mouthwash the last time I was at the store.

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Jul 18 2012
20 Comments
Humorous, Modern Life, Two minute read

Watching Dogs Crap and Other Joys of Living in the City

Just out of sight, a baby is de-feathering a pigeon.

I am but a prairie lass, born and raised in the gated communities of Oklahoman suburbia, where everyone besides me got a car for their 16th birthday and our motto is “Free parking for all!” Now that I’m living in San Francisco, which is a bigger city, if not the biggest, I get to experience those subtle joys of urban life, the things that make living in the semi-tropical concrete jungle worthwhile.

Take yesterday, for example, when I was riding the MUNI (subway) and reading my NOOK (not as good as a kindle) while heading to the outer sunset (a neighborhood.) After a couple of stops, a rather vocal and drunk man across the aisle decided to direct his conversation to four other passengers scattered about in the car that were reading books, including me. “People used to f-ing talk!” he said. “Now look at them, with their f-ing tweetering and facebook…….(mumble)…there used to be CONVERSATIONS.” I smiled inwardly while staring determinedly at my NOOK. “This is great!” I thought. “City life!” Seconds later the man asked me for a cigarette and shortly after that I hopped off the train and skipped home.

In addition to the characters on public transport, part of city life in San Francisco is getting to watch people watch their dogs take a dump. At any given time in a dog park, 20% of the animals are crapping and 100% percent of their owners either staring in order to know the location of the turds, or pretending to ignore it while mentally mapping Fido’s mess. This bizarre kind of human-animal interaction is something only the urban could have come up with, and it’s just another reason I love living here!

Awkward secondary interactions with strangers are also an integral and precious part of city life. While in line at McDonald’s, a popular local joint, the man in front of me started berating the innocent employee because she had “lied” to him about the cost of honey mustard AND not given it to him. “I’m not here to argue with you!” the man yelled. “I’m here to do business!” After one of the more uncomfortable minutes of my and the employee’s day, the man grabbed his sauce, sat down, and proceeded to eat his gigantic meal alone.  This was business.

As if the city couldn’t get any better, yesterday I ran to the ocean (that’s right mom, I was exercising), and stood triumphally on top of a sand dune, having a spiritual moment as the sun sank red into the ocean. After about a minute, a man walked up to the dune on my left and and assumed a characteristic position that indicated he was about to be sick. Ah, nothing like enjoying the sunset with the promise of someone nearby blowing chunks. Unfortunately, I had to leave and could not stay to watch any bile-spewing, but maybe I’ll catch it next time!

Life in the city sure is fun! But seriously, it’s better than the suburbs. I’ll take the vomit and the weird human-animal and human-human interactions any day. The only thing I miss is my parent’s kitchen.

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Jun 12 2012
24 Comments
Humorous, Two minute read

I Demand More Puppies on Television, and Everywhere Else

Don’t even read this blog post. Just google puppies. You’ll be glad you did.

Lately I’ve been having a lot of killer ideas involving puppies. Those furry wee machines are just on my mind all the time and I decided some of these eureka moments were just too good to keep to myself, so I’m going to grace the interspheres with them.

If you have any good ideas for puppies you should share them with the world too, maybe on Twitter. Have you heard of it? It’s a micro-blogging platform…oh never mind.

Cute Furry Time-Sensitive Ideas:

1. A medical television show that has puppies instead doctors, nurses, and technicians: It would be so cute if someone came in, literally spineless from an almost deadly car accident and the puppies had to perform surgery, their tiny paws holding scalpels and administering anesthesia. The highlight of the show will be when one of the puppies yawns and magically cures the patient because of overwhelming cuteness.

2. Puppy petting stations, featuring a baby: I don’t know if puppy petting stations are a thing, but Courtney Cox had one at a birthday party (according to a reliable source), and there was one used at my alma mater during finals to relieve stress. Obviously the puppy petting station idea is great, but what if there were a baby too? People love seeing the baby size of things play with one another, so it would be dangerously cute if there were an infant in there, wearing a hat or a bow or a rubber chicken, nuzzling itself (sorry for the neuter pronoun) against the soft puppy fur. And then the young ones will get tired and the guests of the party would gather ’round to watch the baby and puppy nap session. Precious!

3. Presidential debates with puppies: I think this idea pretty much speaks for itself. If there were some golden retriever pups on stage, or Obama and Romney were both petting one, then I think people might actually tune in and this country would realize the change that we’ve all chanted about or against. Of course, Romney would have to learn how to simulate pet empathy. I believe there’s a program he could get installed for that though.

4. Cooking show featuring puppies: the puppies wouldn’t actually make any food, they would just be playing with each other while someone made cookies in the background. There would be a final screenshot of a timid puppy gingerly biting a chocolate chip cookie and then the recipe would flash on screen. Ratings out the roof. This would also be great for when smell-o-vision finally comes into existence, minus the dog-urine. Puppies and chocolate chip cookies: is there anything better or more generic?

5. Economics courses featuring live puppies as the go-to example for everything: the professor would introduce the puppies, saying that Porkchop is better at fetching sticks, while Crumpet is better at digging holes. In the most efficient economic system, Porkchop would just fetch sticks and Crumpet would just dig holes. Then there would be a demonstration, clapping, laughter, and happiness.

I believe the solution to many of our world’s problems is to get the puppies involved. They already exist, so let’s put their cuteness to work.

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