Tag Archives: humor

Feb 16 2012
2 Comments
Fiction, Three minute read

Meet a Mammal: the Swedish Gray Wolf

Adolphus Jonasson, a Swedish Gray Wolf

Hello and welcome to today’s episode of “Meet a Mammal” with your host, me! Before we meet our guest, allow me to introduce myself:

I was born centuries ago in a leaky canoe where I was instantly orphaned and then raised by a flock of giant birds called tittleswinks. Unfortunately, tittleswinks are now extinct because I ended them. The birds were very cruel and tortured me daily by making me eat their regurgitations. This went on for years until I couldn’t take it anymore and used my powers of abstract thinking to destroy them.

I don’t know my own name, so I call myself Truckles, and I love mammals because they are not birds. Enough about me, though! Let’s meet our guest.

“Today we have Adolphus Jonasson with us, a gray wolf all the way from Sweden. Adolphus, thanks so much for being here.”

“The pleasure’s all mine, Truckles. It’s great to see you again.”

“Likewise! So Adolphus, you’re a gray wolf living in the Kolmården Wildlife Park in southern Sweden. Can you tell us a little about your day to day life?”

“Well, it’s not as interesting as you might think. Mostly I do what other Swedish gray wolves do, keep up with international affairs, scratch myself, balance the budget, meat think, nap in the sunshine, hide from zoo visitors, flirt with the zoo keepers, etc. It’s a pretty simple life.”

“But I bet you have tons of time for self-improvement since you don’t have to hunt and kill your own food.”

“I suppose that’s a good way of looking at it. But I’ll be honest here. Sometimes when I see a heavy zoo patron or a sickly child, I feel the wildness within me and I imagine jumping over the exhibit wall and seeing their eyes bulge with terror before ripping into their tender necks and tasting their blood warm in my mouth. I hope I’m not disclosing too much information! Hahahaha!

“Not at all! I’ve thought that exact same thing before. Hahahaha! Now tell me this, Kolmården Wildlife Park is the largest wildlife park in Scandinavia and also home of Sweden’s only dolphinarium. As you probably know, humans unreasonably favor dolphins over other mammals. Do you ever feel jealous of the attention the dolphins get?

“That’s a great question, Trunkles. If I can be honest here, sometimes I do get a little pissed off that this aquatic animal is so arbitrarily beloved. What does it have that the gray wolf doesn’t? Aren’t we cool? Have you ever seen a pack of wolves devour a cow before? It’s freaking awe-inspiring, and I just don’t get why we aren’t more popular. In fact, sometimes I get so angry, I imagine leaping right into the dolphin tank with my buddies and savoring the the flippered freaks’ squeals as we tear into their rough necks and turn the exhibit into a literal blood bath. Oops! Did I say too much again? Hahahaha!

“Not at all, Adolphus! I hate those squeaky suckers too! Well we’re running out of time here, but very quickly I’d like to ask you one last question. The name Adolphus means “noble wolf,” and yet I read that people often make fun of you because of its similarity to Adolf Hitler’s name. How does that feel?”

“It doesn’t feel great, Trunkles, not great at all. Did you know I speak four languages? I’ve composed several symphonies and eaten countless kilos of raw meat but those feather haired, leather skinned, smarmy mouthed tourists can’t get over the fact there are other mammals out there named Adolphus. Sometimes it makes me want to listen to the blood gurgle in their throats as their life slowly slips away from them….oops I did it again! Hahahaha! Sorry about that—blood on the brain you know!

“I sure do! Well thanks for being on our show, Adolphus. Do come back and visit us again!”

And for all my guests at home, don’t forget to join us next time when we have a genuine Cairo ferret with us. Thanks for watching!”

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Feb 15 2012
6 Comments
Humorous, Open Letters, Three minute read

In Theory, I Hate This Class

Education only works if someone cares

Professor —–,

The following is a hypothetical situation, but I think you’ll find it helpful in understanding my performance in class and how we can work together for our mutual benefit.

Let’s say I’m taking a class, the purpose of which is to equip me with a certain skill. For this exercise, let’s call the class “Literary Analysis in Arabic.” This class, like any class, is built upon the relationships between the student, the professor, and the material. In order for the class to successfully equip me to analyze literature in Arabic, one of several scenarios must happen (combinations are also possible):

A) I enjoy the professor and want to excel in order to make her proud.

B) I am passionate about Arabic literature and as such am driven to do well for the love of the material alone.

C) I am a mindless slave to grades and would sacrifice everything in order to get an A, regardless of my relationship to the professor or the material.

However, in this theoretical class, something interesting has (theoretically) happened. Not only do I not enjoy the professor, but I am also not particularly interested in the material, which is made up primarily of reading novels in Arabic, an act that takes grotesque amounts of time. Indeed, in theory, I determined while sitting in the very first session of this theoretical class that my time was better spent elsewhere doing something I enjoy and find useful instead of honing this skill which will likely go unused in the future and wasn’t all that lucrative to begin with, personally and financially.

At this theoretical juncture, it is clear that I’m not motivated to excel by the material itself or the professor, who theoretically I find overbearing yet absent. The only thing left to compel me to do well in this hypothetical course would be the promise of a good grade, a letter on a scrap of future-trash that means nothing to the rest of the world and to me would only signify the hours I wasted earning a clearly meaningless letter. Actually, I have theoretically found grades irrelevant and am no longer motivated by them.

Indeed, the only reason I have to continue attending this theoretical class is the desire to avoid personal embarrassment complete withdrawal might cause in addition to administrative issues that are not related to the subject matter or professor. In short, my theoretical motto for this class is, “I’m here but not interested. Please do not disturb.”

For that reason, the lackluster professor should theoretically avoid doing things like assigning a surprise presentation and then adding with a flourish that it will be done, “for a grade,” because theoretically I would sense a challenge. “What if I just didn’t do it? What if I just sat here and stared? Will you fail me? FAIL ME ALREADY!”

So in theory we should avoid doing that. But there’s nothing to say this theoretical situation could be a positive experience, with each one left with less work to do and more time to do the things she loves. In theory, this could be the best of every world.

Thanks for taking the time to hypothesize with me, Professor —–. If you have any questions please let me know. See you in class tomorrow!

Photo Credit: Grant Cochrane at freedigitalphotos.net

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Feb 14 2012
35 Comments
Best blog posts, Humorous, Two minute read

This Guy Sucks

Hey! You suck! 

There sure are a lot of problems these days. The way I see it, things kind of suck the whole world over. Here in Egypt, people are pissed off that life isn’t much better after the revolution. It turns out you can’t teach old scum bags new tricks and the old men who stayed in charge from Mubarak’s era are still good-for-nothing tax gobblers. In America, even though we are completely satisfied with our politicians, we are still constantly embarrassed by, among other things, the extravagant cost of higher education, pesky racial divides, our obesity, our impressive income inequality, and the fact we want to stay really rich but seem to have no money.

I could go on and discuss the pathetic state of our judicial system, the fact we’re losing our competitive edge to  developing countries whose foods we like, and the seeming illiteracy of the coming generation, but then I’d start to get sleepy from the sadness.

When confronted with all these issues, it’s hard to know who to blame. There are simply too many candidates. Do I blame Barack Obama, the Democrats, the Republicans, the Soviets, Europe, poodles, Mom, Dad…who? And I can’t blame something nebulous like “human nature” or the “capitalist system” or “greed.” That’s not nearly satisfying enough. I want a face I can yell at, an ugly mug I can jab at and say, “You suck!”

That’s why, for the past five minutes, I’ve been searching relentlessly for someone who can be the recipient of all our rage, some lame schmuck that can be the symbol of every inefficiency and injustice that exists. After minutes of intensely focused effort,  I think I found him. It’s this guy.

It’s all his fault! He did it! He decided to invade Iraq, Vietnam, and Cuba at great financial and moral cost to the US. It was him! He’s the one who has been melting the glaciers and strangling endangered species.  At night, while good Americans are at home with their families, reading their children bedtime stories, he’s out whispering into the ears of politicians and selling them his fancy new weapons and giving them ideas for how to use them.

He causes skin cancer! He stokes the fires of racial division! He made our educational system unequal! It was fine before he came along, but then BOOM everything was awful!

He’s why Americans are too fat! He’s why middle school girls dress like Ke$ha! He’s the cause of partisan conflict in the White House! He’s why Oklahoma isn’t Colorado! He’s why many Americans have their most intimate relationships with TSA officials! He made healthcare expensive! He created Valentine’s Day!

It’s his fault! I don’t care about the other issues. What will the stance of our future political leaders be on this guy? Will it be a resolute “Let’s get him!” or a pathetic “Let’s allow him to continue trampling our society and future.” Isn’t the answer obvious?

I say let’s get him and while we’re at it, let’s have a good yell.

“YOU SUCK!”

photo credit: Ambro at freedigitalphotos.net

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Feb 13 2012
13 Comments
Fiction, Humorous, One minute read

An Arm Lost or a Stump Gained?

Because arm stumps are gross. 

I was brushing my teeth yesterday and noticed my left arm was still bothering me. I looked down and realized there was nothing left of it besides a bloody stump that ended at the elbow in a jagged open wound. Blood dripped onto the white tiled floor and I thought to myself, “That explains a lot.”

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Feb 10 2012
6 Comments
Humorous, Three minute read

The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

I want a magical forest filled with unicorns

I’ve taken naps at night for as long as I can remember—really hearty ones that last anywhere from six to eight hours. I don’t know much about what goes on during these night naps, but apparently I just lie motionless. The doors to my auditory, olfactory, and oral sensory headquarters are shut and padlocked and my capabilities at controlling drool levels are severely reduced.

If that’s not weird enough, I don’t even remember most of what I do for these periods of time. I’m pretty sure I just lie still, but I could also get up and squirt cheese whizz at the dog. Who knows? I have no control over my body during these dark gaps in my consciousness. It’s quite terrifying.

After waking up from one of these naps, however, sometimes I can kind of remember stuff from the great beyond I just sailed through. Most of it is dark nothingness with wisps of things I’ll never quite remember. Sometimes I think of ham inexplicably. Yet on the rare occasion, I remember a dream and catch a glimpse into the journey my mind sneakily made behind my back.

Dreaming, to put it simply, is amazing. There are endless possibilities of a sleeping mind roaming through territories ungoverned by reality’s mundane laws. The dreams don’t even need to involve hardware or flooring materials. That’s the beauty of dreaming: it’s limitless and free.

This is why I regret almost every single dream I remember. My dreams, far from being fantastic, are disgustingly boring and feel more like a poorly written office memo. Invariably I’m doing the exact same things I do in real life except for sometimes it feels “weird.”  My brain, as a dream-maker, sucks big time. Why can’t it create cooler things for me? Why am I not soaring to a floating feast where I sit in a barrel of spaghetti while eating ribs with Conan O’Brien? Why can’t I zap period clothing into existence and have the sickest privately owned collection of bonnets? Why am I not in the trenches with my best talking animal friends while we defend ourselves against an evil giantess that looks like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz?

They always say something is “the stuff dreams are made of” like it’s a good thing, but this clearly doesn’t apply to all dreams. Mine seem to be made out of dust covered toilet paper rolls, empty ball point pens, generic brand Cheerios called something like Happy-Oh-Nos and the stuff people give away for free on Craig’s List.

I would rather not even remember my dreams if it only means being depressed at my pathetically low dreaming horizon. I mean, I would like to see results from the 6-8 hours a night I put into these naps. All I want to do is wake up and not want to drop acid in order to make my dream life more interesting. Is that too much to ask?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that not all dreams are made of the same stuff, so if you’re buying some you better give the label a good look.

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