Hello and welcome to today’s episode of “Meet a Mammal” with your host, me! Before we meet our guest, allow me to introduce myself:
I was born centuries ago in a leaky canoe where I was instantly orphaned and then raised by a flock of giant birds called tittleswinks. Unfortunately, tittleswinks are now extinct because I ended them. The birds were very cruel and tortured me daily by making me eat their regurgitations. This went on for years until I couldn’t take it anymore and used my powers of abstract thinking to destroy them.
I don’t know my own name, so I call myself Truckles, and I love mammals because they are not birds. Enough about me, though! Let’s meet our guest.
“Today we have Adolphus Jonasson with us, a gray wolf all the way from Sweden. Adolphus, thanks so much for being here.”
“The pleasure’s all mine, Truckles. It’s great to see you again.”
“Likewise! So Adolphus, you’re a gray wolf living in the Kolmården Wildlife Park in southern Sweden. Can you tell us a little about your day to day life?”
“Well, it’s not as interesting as you might think. Mostly I do what other Swedish gray wolves do, keep up with international affairs, scratch myself, balance the budget, meat think, nap in the sunshine, hide from zoo visitors, flirt with the zoo keepers, etc. It’s a pretty simple life.”
“But I bet you have tons of time for self-improvement since you don’t have to hunt and kill your own food.”
“I suppose that’s a good way of looking at it. But I’ll be honest here. Sometimes when I see a heavy zoo patron or a sickly child, I feel the wildness within me and I imagine jumping over the exhibit wall and seeing their eyes bulge with terror before ripping into their tender necks and tasting their blood warm in my mouth. I hope I’m not disclosing too much information! Hahahaha!
“Not at all! I’ve thought that exact same thing before. Hahahaha! Now tell me this, Kolmården Wildlife Park is the largest wildlife park in Scandinavia and also home of Sweden’s only dolphinarium. As you probably know, humans unreasonably favor dolphins over other mammals. Do you ever feel jealous of the attention the dolphins get?
“That’s a great question, Trunkles. If I can be honest here, sometimes I do get a little pissed off that this aquatic animal is so arbitrarily beloved. What does it have that the gray wolf doesn’t? Aren’t we cool? Have you ever seen a pack of wolves devour a cow before? It’s freaking awe-inspiring, and I just don’t get why we aren’t more popular. In fact, sometimes I get so angry, I imagine leaping right into the dolphin tank with my buddies and savoring the the flippered freaks’ squeals as we tear into their rough necks and turn the exhibit into a literal blood bath. Oops! Did I say too much again? Hahahaha!
“Not at all, Adolphus! I hate those squeaky suckers too! Well we’re running out of time here, but very quickly I’d like to ask you one last question. The name Adolphus means “noble wolf,” and yet I read that people often make fun of you because of its similarity to Adolf Hitler’s name. How does that feel?”
“It doesn’t feel great, Trunkles, not great at all. Did you know I speak four languages? I’ve composed several symphonies and eaten countless kilos of raw meat but those feather haired, leather skinned, smarmy mouthed tourists can’t get over the fact there are other mammals out there named Adolphus. Sometimes it makes me want to listen to the blood gurgle in their throats as their life slowly slips away from them….oops I did it again! Hahahaha! Sorry about that—blood on the brain you know!
“I sure do! Well thanks for being on our show, Adolphus. Do come back and visit us again!”
And for all my guests at home, don’t forget to join us next time when we have a genuine Cairo ferret with us. Thanks for watching!”
Adolphus is all talk. Sure, he goes on about leaping fences and dragging down children, but I have it on good authority that the only “call of the wild” he answers is to get up to get another beer during commercials on his favorite show “Man vs Herring”.
Look, Adolphus is a civilized gray wolf who likes his creature comforts, including the occasional television show and beer, but that’s not to say that deep down he longs to sink his fangs into a live being. There are some nasty rumors out there.