Tag Archives: hipsters

13 Signs I’m Totally Becoming a New Yorker

the donut we chased for

the donut we chased for

New York is changing me. I’m paying more for regular things, getting jaded by the everything that exists here, and being ruder to strangers and kinder to friends.

Just today, I did things I would have thought unfathomable five days ago. Perhaps you want to know what they are? Well you’re in luck, because I outlined them below. You can tell  I’m turning into a New Yorker because:

1. Paid three dollars for a regular cup of coffee (it wasn’t even a pour over), and then an hour later paid another three dollars for another regular cup of coffee at the same place. No free refills.

2. Traveled thirty minutes via subway to see a graveyard, only to find the gate closed and the only entrance very far away. So I turned around to walk in a park for twenty minutes before heading back thirty minutes to where I came from. Essentially I trekked for an hour just to see a clump of trees.

3. Ate dinner, then went on a crazed car ride fifteen minutes through traffic across Brooklyn to eat a donut from a place called Dough before it closed at 9. The donut was actually fairly incredible but I’d never traveled so far or so urgently for dessert. But in New York, no desire is too ridiculous to be satisfied.

4. Paid twice as much to have my laundry washed and folded for me. When the woman tried to charge me two bucks extra, I called her out on it and got my two bucks back like a real New Yorker. Then I bought an ice cream sandwich.

5. Wore a tank top.

6. Took a nap sitting up.  No time to lay down in New York.

7. Successfully gave directions to two different people. Apparently everyone else also just got into town a couple days ago.

8. Searched on Yelp for coffee shops near me and was like, “Really, only 8 places within four blocks? So I’m pretty much in a coffee desert.”

9. Searched on Yelp for ice cream places near me and was like, “Really, only 7 places within a mile? Only 7 different artisan ice cream places? How the heck am I supposed to choose something if there are no options? I need options, people!”

10. Ran through a warehouse district and remarked on how pleasant it was because there were less people there.

11. Thought about going to Manhattan, then realized it was practically a lifetime away and opted to stay in Brooklyn.

12. Thought about trying out half-shirts and buying a hat.

13. Rolled my eyes at vintage stores in Williamsburg. Those are so overplayed.

14. Think I’m so New York.

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Oh Those Days of Existential Crisis

She just drank curdled milk.

Do you ever have those days when you wake up and before you finish making a cup of coffee you feel the impending doom and think, “Uh oh…. existential crisis.”

On these days, the most mundane and routine actions are the ones most likely to send you spiraling down an endless and ultimately fruitless contemplation of what it’s all about. The thin fibers of normalcy that hold your days together become themselves something to be examined and prove to be just as flimsy as the skin on the top of a glass of overheated milk, something that can be poked at and punctured.

What am I doing here? Why am I doing it? What’s the end goal for this week, this month, this life? Does what I do even matter? Should I brush my teeth today? Pants are so weird. The world is too arbitrary. I’m eating ice cream for breakfast because I can’t figure out what matters.

The old answers that you tell yourself for some reason don’t quite ring true today and it seems like you could fall through the living world to a different place if you’re not too careful. Appearances seem more like facades covering up reality and the truth that lurks beneath is undoubtedly dark.

On days like this, you still drink the tea made with a little bit of curdled milk. There wasn’t too much, you reason. It’s probably fine, you say. And you loathe yourself.

Sleep beckons you, but there is much work to do, even if you can’t quite figure out why. You know tomorrow will make sense again and the world will seem more solid, especially because you will have moved into your new place and won’t run into Sam anymore in the kitchen. He’s one of those where, just like girls periods move into synch after living together, your kitchen movements have synched and so every time you’re in there you’re constantly in each other’s way even though it’s not a small kitchen. It’s maddening and awkward, especially because neither of you find the other very funny and your jokes simultaneously fall flat as you try to make small talk.

Yes, life without Sam will be better. And you should really get more sleep and not eat ice cream for breakfast. The issue will resolve itself by disappearing, like it always does, and you will go back to the bright world even if you don’t quite know what it means.

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