Tag Archives: funny

Feb 08 2012
7 Comments
Fiction, Humorous, Two minute read

You’re Invited to a Girls’ Night In!

So many cupcakes to bake!

Hey girlfriends!

You’re invited to the most fabulous housewarming party this town has ever seen! Prepare yourselves for twenty four hours you’ll want to forget!!

The fun all begins at 6 am next Saturday morning and won’t stop until exactly 0600 hours the next day! Keep it sassy and don’t stay out too late the night before ;)!

We’re going to bake lots of yummy treats, cook tons of delicious, freezable meals, organize DVDs, dust off electronic equipment, and so much more! If we’re really good we might have time for a quick dance break before beginning the 3rd eight hour shift at 20:00. Woo hoo!

Get ready for nonstop excitement because there’s so much to do! :)! Right now, our apartment is a mess. :(. Yuck. My roomie and I have boxes and boxes of stuff that needs to be cleaned, organized, and put away, several pieces of furniture that need assembling, and delicates that need hand washing. A few walls require touch up painting and there’s minor repair work that needs to be done on some of the outlets, light fixtures, and electrical appliances. Our fridge is barren, our cupcake tins are empty, we have no decorations, and our beds are simply not fit for fantastic ladies like ourselves to sleep in. We need your help!

All you need to bring to the party are your gorgeous selves and the items on the list I’ve sent you in a personal email. You’ll impress us best by wearing practical, sturdy clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty. Don’t forget to pack 2 home cooked breakfasts, lunch, dinner, plenty of snacks, and your own toilet paper. Be ready to share with others and no sandwiches please!

I know you beautiful ladies are the best at cooking, cleaning, fixing up, and having a blast while doing it! I may not have talked to some of you since high school, but I would love nothing more than to reconnect with you while scrubbing charred food bits off the cast iron skillet we just pulled out of storage.

Unfortunately, we won’t be able to do that because my roommate and I will both be out of town next weekend for a fantastic roomie getaway. Don’t worry! I’ll have our doorman give you lovelies the key to our place! He’ll also make sure you’re there for the whole time and that there’s no slacking off! I expect big things from such fantastic females, so don’t disappoint me!

If you just can’t bear for the fun to end, we’ll have you all back over for another super special spring cleaning weekend! It’ll be fabulous!

My doorman will see you soon!

Hugs and Kisses,

Your Breast Friend (hehehe :P)

Photo Credit: Piyato at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Feb 05 2012
6 Comments
Humorous, Lists, Three minute read

Snotting Gold, Pure Gold.

As of last Thursday, I was graciously nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award by one blogger known as Leo Rex.  With pride and a bit of trepidation, I now join the legions of bloggers who have also received said award. Though we number in the thousands, let us not forget the hundreds of thousands of bloggers who are still versatile blogger award-less. To these undecorated participants in the blogosphere, I say:

“One day someone besides your mother or father will read your blog, have a blog themselves, and decide to nominate you for this award. That day might not be soon, and we might be able to inject internet into our veins by then and have mandatory blogs that are monitored by the World Government, and these awards might even be handed out by that same government organization in order to keep up the illusion of free will and creativity, but the day will come, so hang in there.”

As per the award guidelines, I shall proceed to nominate some other blogs for the award and talk about myself. With further ado, here are the blogs that I nominate for this award. I realize that many, if not all of them, have received this award before and I’m not sorry for renominating them. They should know that I sincerely enjoy reading their blog and who cares if the versatile blogger award links pile up in their comment boxes like dusty term papers in the office of a professor who is having an out of state affair. Also, if you haven’t heard of them you might like them too.

1. Damp Squid-Recently fresh pressed. Well done, fellow blogging comrade.

2. The Good Greatsby: Getting the word out about this blog is like spreading news about Lady Gaga.

3. El Guapo: He writes limericks sometimes. You’ve been warned.

4. Linda Vernon Humor: Humor you can write home about.

5. The Life and Times of Nathan Bradley: I’ve found it good for the ha has.

6. @Grumpy Comments: Sunny D in blog form. Just kidding. It’s a grumpy-funny fest.

7. The Waiting: I hope her baby will be able to write as well as her.

8. Your Stupid Advice: Great for those times you want to be berated for asking the questions you were afraid to ask.

And now I get to shamelessly share facts about myself.

1. My first unrequited love was Conan O’Brien.

2. I only have 4 pills left in the course of antibiotics I’m taking for my ear infection.

3. When I lived in Denver, I would steal quarters from my Dad’s wooden fish bowl that he kept change in. I was only 4 or 5 but I felt guilty about that for a long time. This is my confession to him.

4. This might be a little gross but I like to watch the hair accumulate in my hairbrushes so I can see how much I’ve been shedding. When I finally clean it out it looks like a bird’s nest.

5. Sometimes I use my sister’s toothbrushes without asking/telling them. This usually happens when I don’t want to get my own toothbrush out after I get back from traveling.

6. I like to eat most foods with my little spoon. I try not to be possessive of it, but one time I saw someone eating with it and I had to suppress anger.

7. If I could, I would wear the same outfit every day. This outfit would include a helmet.

Thanks for the award, Leo Rex!

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Jan 21 2012
6 Comments
Fiction, Humorous

It’s a New Freaking Theme

How raw? Uneaten food raw.

Is this a rant? You tell me.

And if you think I’m going to apologize for writing this ridiculously long sentence with poor syntax you better get your mind right and in fact I might make this entire post a single sentence, even though many people would advise against this and say that it’s sloppy writing and that I need to edit it but what do you know. I may have edited that sentence a hundred times, or thousands of times, my life blood spilling out into the words as I painstakingly edit them with the q-tip of my cursor until I form a smiley face of blood on a paper plate that’s stained by pulled pork grease. Too graphic? You better believe it. I’ve got a new WordPress theme and it’s a freaking new day.

You may have noticed I decided not to write this entire post as one sentence. It did sound sloppy, so I stopped, but not because I’m scared, because I don’t get scared anymore. I left the above paragraph because I wanted part of the process to remain visible, like the paint on a weathered dresser or a slightly undercooked egg that you really want to enjoy but you just can’t.

Because I’m being real.

There are a lot of changes going on around here, and with this bright new WordPress theme, things are about to get unpleasant. They’re about to get dirty and disgusting, and the teal accents on the left side of this very post have no idea what they’re about to complement.

I’ve never felt so ready to delve into the very depths of humanity itself, to sift through the garbage dumps of the human heart and spray the refuse out onto the hot city sidewalk of the blogosphere for the entire world to see. It’s going to stink, and with this new layout, you’ll be able to smell it from a mile away.

Sure this theme is fresh, friendly, accessible, and simple.  But it’s about to get nasty raw. This is not your rare prime rib kind of raw or crunchy potato raw. It’s going to be the pink, flabby raw of uncooked chicken or the grotesque red of a ground beef sliding down a glass door. It’s going to be uncomfortable.

I don’t care who has used this theme before and how amiable it seemed. This blog experience is about get intense. And I’m not sorry to those who use this same theme. I didn’t copy you. Well, you know what? Maybe I did copy you. I thought your blog looked nice, and I said to myself, “This layout seems easy to read and user-friendly. I’m going to take it and make it really offensive.”  Are you really surprised that I’m using it when it’s one of the most popular themes on WordPress? Just look at how airy and crisp it is. It’s an f-ing treasure, and I’m going to take it and twist it into something it was never intended to be.

Blogosphere, get ready for the raw, the rude, and the objectionable* to be presented to you in the most delightful of ways. You’ll never know what hit you.

*Disclaimer: actual change is unlikely. Author saw fit to use theme change as a post topic.

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Jan 20 2012
4 Comments
Best blog posts, Humorous, Wedding

Minimizing Bridal Threat

will she ruin her own wedding day?

Dear Sister,

Last night I finished The Bridesmaid Guide and Maid of Honor as per your request and am now ready to assume full powers as co-maid of honor/bridesmaid. Please prepare yourself to have the house and every pre-wedding party filled with “sassy bridesmaid giggles.”

The books were fascinating. I learned much about women, that we live for lingerie and high heels, that we love fabulous gifts like leopard print sheets and seashell soaps, and above all, that should anything be sublime, beautiful, or worthy, the best adjective to describe it is “fabulous,” which means “being loyal, enthusiastic, faithful, fun, gorgeous, and true” (TBG 13).  And so we shall be fabulous, dear sister.

As sweat soaks our underarms in the Oklahoma summer heat, hinting at our humanity, as family surrounds us and threatens to choke out our very existence, as we yearn to make off-color jokes and mock the world, we shall bite our tongues, stuff tissues in our armpits, and laugh it all away. We will all be fabulous, but only your fabulousness will be the talk of the wedding. That is our purpose.

But I am worried, sweet sister. I worry for you. As I delved deeper into the books, I learned of a terrible change that is going to come over you as the wedding date approaches. You, bride sister, are likely going to turn into a monster, someone even you would have despised from your pre-wedding mindset.

I found that, as a Leo bride, you are going to have moments of “arrogance and vanity,” and we as bridesmaids must appease you by throwing you a fabulous night on the town (do you even like going on the town?), and our bridesmaid motto must be “keep your eyes on the bride.” Dear God what is going to happen to you??

They say you will turn into a pile of nerves with the mental faculties of a cupcake. As the wedding day approaches, you will descend further into a continual state of hysteria, fueling irrational decision making. You might attempt anything from getting a Mohawk to having your bellybutton pierced and then running away to Omaha. You will likely scream at us in your distress, and should any one of your bridesmaids so much as hint at a problem that is not your concern, you may well go permanently insane, ruining the wedding.

I will still love you, sister, and I will protect the fragile matchsticks of sanity that remain inside your frenzied bridal head until the wedding mania passes. However, you should know that in my capacity as co-maid of honor, I can and will have you removed from the wedding should you present too great a threat to the production. Other sister will take your place as your identical body double, and the ceremony will proceed as planned. You will be put somewhere comfortable but secure, where you do not need to be afraid. I hope you can understand why this might need to happen, and that I’m only doing it for your good.

Thank you for the honor of asking me be your maid of honor, and I promise, dearest sister, that I will not let you down or let you let yourself down.

With fabulous love,

Emily

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Jan 03 2012
6 Comments
Fiction, Humorous, Modern Life, One minute read

Rejected from the Job Search

these boxes do not hold the key to your future. please look elsewhere.

Thank you for completing CareerBeam’s skill verification exercise. At this juncture, our special algorithm would have usually crunched your responses and placed you in one of six categories we use to classify all of mankind. With the knowledge of your category, the world would have been yours for the taking, success and fortune shortly following the completion of our quizlet.

Unfortunately, due to an irregularity in your responses, we are unable to process your information and provide you with the only thing that would rescue your future self from a failed life. The irregularity could have resulted from one of three circumstances:

a. You are wholly unfit for employment. Return to the cave from which you crawled and burden society no more.

b. You are the antichrist. We are legally obligated to tell you about this possibility while not revealing whether or not you are “it.” If your responses lined up with the predicted skill set of the Man of Sin, a team of US Marine exorcists will have been called to exterminate you. Please remain where you are.

c. You are not human. Most likely you are a forest or river spirit trapped in a human body. In either case, you have no place in the workforce. Please take our quiz “Finding your spirit identity” for advice on how to escape your fleshy prison.

Thank you for using Career Beam and we hope you consider us for all your future self-awareness needs.

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