Rejected from the Job Search

these boxes do not hold the key to your future. please look elsewhere.

Thank you for completing CareerBeam’s skill verification exercise. At this juncture, our special algorithm would have usually crunched your responses and placed you in one of six categories we use to classify all of mankind. With the knowledge of your category, the world would have been yours for the taking, success and fortune shortly following the completion of our quizlet.

Unfortunately, due to an irregularity in your responses, we are unable to process your information and provide you with the only thing that would rescue your future self from a failed life. The irregularity could have resulted from one of three circumstances:

a. You are wholly unfit for employment. Return to the cave from which you crawled and burden society no more.

b. You are the antichrist. We are legally obligated to tell you about this possibility while not revealing whether or not you are “it.” If your responses lined up with the predicted skill set of the Man of Sin, a team of US Marine exorcists will have been called to exterminate you. Please remain where you are.

c. You are not human. Most likely you are a forest or river spirit trapped in a human body. In either case, you have no place in the workforce. Please take our quiz “Finding your spirit identity” for advice on how to escape your fleshy prison.

Thank you for using Career Beam and we hope you consider us for all your future self-awareness needs.

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6 thoughts on “Rejected from the Job Search

  1. I hear there is an opening for Power Ranger/ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle in Awesometown, USA if you’re interested.

    They pay’s not very good, but you get all the free pizza you want and always get very loud sound effects for simple movements.

    I’m not sure of the skill set required to fill these roles, but I’m sure you could make up something on a resume.

    • edrevets says:

      Well, as it so happens, making simple movements is already on my resume. I had a simple movement internship a few years ago, so I think I’d really be a shoe-in for this position.

      Thanks for the suggestion!

  2. Linda Vernon says:

    Ha! OK, now you have to name the six catagories of human kind! Maybe we need another quizlett to find out which catagory we fit into!

  3. El Guapo says:

    d. The coolness level obviously inherent in you makes you unsuitable for simple classification. Please respond as soon as possible to the email we have sent wherein we offer you our standard Rich and Famous package which we hope you will find both lavish and acceptable.

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