Notes I Took While Watching Your Date

I see and judge you.

Hi there,

You probably didn’t notice, but I was here yesterday while you were on your date. I was in the corner, staring directly at you.

I’d been here for about two hours when your date sat down, and about two hours and five minutes when you came along. As my attention span for work reached its upper limit, your conversation and interactions got more and more interesting. You were maybe seven feet away from me, the café was very quiet, and I could hear everything. I happened to take a few pages of notes on your rendezvous and I’m more than happy to share some of them with you.

First of all, your date chose a very awkward table. Most normal human beings prefer to sit next to a wall or a structure that shelters at least one side. This comes from an evolutionarily instilled desire to avoid predators. Walls provide a sense of security and allow the dining party to relax and enjoy their coffee and conversation. The fact your date willingly chose an exposed table means a number of things. She could be trying to kill you, but she could also trust your ability to fend off potential threats. At the worst, she might be a psychopath and a danger to herself and others.

Not only did she choose an awful table, she defended her decision when you asked about it, implying that she believed her poor table choice made her a quirky, unique girl, which it did not. Girls who think they are spontaneous and fun rarely are. They will tire you out with their foolhardy decisions and pretend to enjoy picnicking on highways. My recommendation: let her choose the table next time and see what she picks. If she fails again, go to the bathroom and crawl out the window. You don’t want to know what she’s capable of.

Some important developments occurred during her lengthy bathroom break, during which I looked up and saw you eating by yourself. When I looked up a few minutes later, I saw that not only were you still eating by yourself, you were sweating. It appears you welcomed the break from talking and leapt at the chance to eat your food without her watching, a move I applaud.

However, the sweat glistening on your brow indicated both to me and your date that you may have been enjoying your egg sandwich too vigorously–not an attractive quality. To be fair, she was gone for a hot second, which is not a great sign. If she really liked you, she would have held off anything major until after the date, unless it was an emergency that threatened to make itself uncomfortably present. If she was touching up make-up, she’s a diva, and if she was hanging out texting friends and reading articles on her smart phone, then I think you and I both know what that means.

At any rate, I’m glad that we could share your date together. I don’t particularly like her, but you seem like a nice, normal guy and I wish both you all the best.


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31 thoughts on “Notes I Took While Watching Your Date

  1. Hey Emily,
    I’d welcome your analysis of my behaviour, which tends to drive my husband of 20 years no longer to madness – as it did – but sheer loss of the will to live.
    I get into a restaurant and the ballet begins: I ignore the staff’s invitation to take a sit at a table; look around and make my move towards another table and sit down; husband knows what’s coming – he just stands still, checking his emails; I then spring up and make a dive onto another table; husband still on his phone, at the restaurant’s entrance. The ballet continues, my bottom is once more lifted by an uncontrollable urge to find THE perfect table and I occupy yet another one; oh dear, air conditioning is catching me right in the neck; there, I knew it! that one on the other side will be warmer; I make myself comfortable; husband raises his eyes from his phone and joins me; he exchanges meaningful glances with the restaurant staff; I ignore them and smile triumphantly.
    Can only be carried out safely outside peak hours, or in restaurants which are clearly not that popular. Then again, popular places wouldn’t have me.

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  3. tedstrutz says:

    Good one… I’ll be more aware of table choices in the future…

  4. […] Snotting Black is one of the first blogs I started to follow and last week she posted an interesting letter to the guy whose date she observed from a distance. Check out Notes I Took While Watching Your Date. […]

  5. Kimberly says:

    Hahaha! Love it. I’m definitely an eavesdropper and date-guesser. First date? POF date? Make life fun to invent stories about others. Thanks for the smile.

  6. Really funny – sadly I have to admit I am terrible at table choices!

  7. Anthony says:

    This was some what creepy and good at the same time. Good read. O, how was your Birth Day?

  8. MJ Conner says:

    That was totally funny. My husband and I like to watch other people’s dates when we’re out. I guess that means we’re pretty boring, stuck with each other, and watching other people is actually entertaining enough… Wow. I feel good now. 🙂

  9. I love watching other people’s dates. Kiefer and I will text each other with stuff about the people sitting around us…which probably makes it look like we’re on the worst date ever. Oh well….

  10. that made me laugh. I agree about table choice. My partner has terrible table choice.

  11. Roly says:

    LOL Observational journalism can be such fun. Pity some people call it stalking 🙂

  12. Rich Crete says:

    Thanks for the feedback. BTW, she already dumped me. She said she could never get serious about someone with that much egg sandwich stuck in his teeth.

  13. I must say that you’re not only very observant but note that you quickly pointed out her error with the table choice. Myself had I been the man in question then I’d have moved to a safer spot leaving her with the choice of coming with me or staying where she was, especially on a first date.

  14. And now you’re taking her to every restauraaant 😀

  15. tomwisk says:

    So, other than that, what’d you think of her?

  16. GreedyFrog says:

    Your post made me laugh! I am glad to be married and therefore safe from your scrutiny 🙂

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