The Secret World of the Early Bird (With a Twist)

Glasses: Coming Soon!

As an greasy adolescent, I loved pop tarts and staying up late, savoring the hours between the famfam’s bedtime and first period, a time in which the house became my own and I could watch Conan O’Brien and throw things at the dog when she snored too loudly. Because of my bizarre sleep schedule, I was always exhausted yet I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I felt like there was something special and mysterious about the nighttime and it evaporated when the sun came up.

I continued in my nighttime ways in college for about two years but then, somewhere around my junior year, things began changing. I lost my night owl hoot and my predatory ability to spot small rodents hiding under ferns, exchanging them for a bright chirp and a pair of metaphorical study glasses, which is the standard uniform of early birds.

I actually began to enjoy the mornings and….

“Excuse me?”

….I would make myself breakfast, which was usually yoghurt and granola. I especially liked a local brand…

“Um….excuse me, Emily?”

…that was called Harvest Gold or something like that. I think it cost 3.99 a box but sometimes it was on sale for forty cents less and on those days I bought two of them…


“What? Yes? Can I help you? Actually, could you wait a second, I’m trying to write a blog post.”

“Yeah, I can see that. I just wanted to let you know that it’s a little boring. Like, so far all you’ve said is that you used to be a night owl but then you turned into an early bird. Big whoop. I used to wipe my butt with Charmin’ toilet paper but then I moved out of my parents’ house and had to buy generic. Is that interesting? No. That’s why I don’t blog about it. And when I stopped you, you were just going on and on about what kind of granola you used to get in college. I mean, really? Do you tell everyone about your breakfast fixations with such detail, or just the people want to torture?”

“…..well eventually I was going to get to a funny part about all of the other things that early birds get in addition to the worm. I was going to say that all of us high-five Obama and get morning massages and free lattes—isn’t that kind of creative? I mean, just picture a bunch of reading-glasses-wearing early birds high fiving Obama.”

“I’m not even going to comment on the syntax of the last sentence. And no, that’s not that funny. Besides, there’s no way those meager hahas outweigh the pain I had to endure when you were telling the whole world about your favorite collegiate granola. And do I even need to mention the fact that the concept of this entire blog post is quite similar to the post you did last week on how your blog became self-aware?”

“That’s true, but there are some pretty significant differences. For example, you’re clearly my better self and not the self-aware version of my blog.”

“And as your better self, it’s my job to tell you when you’re just doing your best, which is not nearly good enough. You’re welcome. Anyways, I’ve got to go. I’ve already worked out today but I’m just about to go run and buy some local produce to make a delicious, healthy meal for myself. I need to be in top shape for my job as a high flying writer thing.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“No, you don’t. But that’s okay. Maybe one day you will. Good luck with the post—here’s a tip: make it interesting and funny.”

“Gee, thanks.”

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15 thoughts on “The Secret World of the Early Bird (With a Twist)

  1. xyhroize says:

    Reblogged this on Fauxheart.

  2. you got me pegged there – when I moved out, I began to buy the store brand TP.

    My adolescent years were filled with bagels and pizza- typical staples for the city.

  3. Abbadon1701 says:

    Awesome post, I do really like it!

    It reminds me so much of myself and how and what I’m thinking … guess now I know, why I found me reading your blog from that day I was here for the first time 😉

    I’m just not yet at the point of the “early bird”… I like listening to them though, while I’m falling asleep xD

    So, have a nice day – I’m off, to go to bed and sleep till the sun goes down; that’s when I use to get up… shortly before nightfall 🙂

  4. Reading this makes me feel multidimensional and way to fuzzy. Time to get the jar of peanut butter and two bananas. Time to get solid, centered and scaly again.
    Love your words way lots…….uh oh phasing to bathroom………

  5. It’s So Meta Even This Acronym.

  6. tomwisk says:

    Used to live the night life. Bars at 10PM, all-night greasy spoon til 4AM, fishing til 6AM and work until 3PM. This was followed by a major crash and vows never to do that again. Now I try to be asleep by midnight and up and writing by 7:30. Still a little wary of that bright thing that shows up over the houses across the street. Granola and yogurt sounds good but will stick with my cranberry juice and home-made healthy brownies.

  7. Rich Crete says:

    Relationships with breakfast foods can be very rewarding. Getting the voices to stop, well, that takes decades of therapy……er…..or so I’ve been told……way too often……well if you’d listen better…..

  8. Addie says:

    So, how was that granola?

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