Finally, a Bachelorette Party that Celebrates Pain, Confusion, and Fear

Not having fun is not an option.

My sister is getting married at the end of June, and I have the pleasure of being a maid of honor/supreme co-ruler of the bridesmaids. One of the best maid’s duties is throwing the bachelorette party. Based on movies, books, television shows, and personal experiences, these parties tend to be visual manifestations of my personal hell.

I imagine girls getting together in dresses and high heels, sipping colorful drinks and letting loose like a bunch of fillies. Shoes! Giggles! Skirts! Tickles! Lingerie! Eeeek! Heeheehee! AHHHHH DEAR GOD NO!

It all sounds pretty awful, which is why I’m planning a party that’s going to rebel against all social norms and delve into the darkest parts of our souls. The party will be constructed around the keywords pain, confusion, and fear, and these concepts will inform every aspect of the celebration.

Instead of flirty summer dresses, our fabulous girlfriends will be advised to wear something utilitarian, breathable, and sturdy, as we will be performing complex physical tasks such as digging and crawling.

After getting together and performing vigorous calisthenics before eating a refuel meal of unseasoned cottage cheese oatmeal and tap water, we will start playing games. This is usually where bachelorette parties go even further astray. The gathering collapses into a mess of giggles as the women reminisce over the bride-to-be’s romantic past with her current squeeze and try to embarrass her about the fact she wears underwear. My theory is that no one cares.

I’ve replaced the boring games with something called Bride-Chase, which is a cross between capture the flag, hide-and-go-seek, and war itself. The game begins when the bride realizes her engagement ring has been taken.

Before panic sets in, she will be told that we know where her ring is but that she will have to get past every single feisty lass at the party in order to retrieve it. Her breast friends have become her bosom enemies. We are given ten minutes to hide before she sets out for the ring. As she struggles through the Bride-Chase zone, we will pelt her from our hiding spots with Super Soakers and sequined thongs. If she is ever hit on the face, she has to go back to the beginning, and we will certainly aim for the face.

The overall purpose of the game is to teach the bride-to-be that friendships are fickle and that one day she may find that everything she believes to be true is a lie. This is the lesson of Bride-Chase.

She has 24 hours to get her ring back or it will be sold to cover the cost of the oatmeal, cottage cheese, Super Soakers, and thongs.

No party favors or prizes will be given out. Instead, anyone who proves themselves weak will be forced to do burpees and suicides until they vomit, which probably won’t take very long.

I just hope my sister will be able to understand that this party is an incredible, unique, and priceless gift that she will never forget. It is also the only one I will be able to give her due to financial constraints.

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27 thoughts on “Finally, a Bachelorette Party that Celebrates Pain, Confusion, and Fear

  1. […] you liked this blog post, you might also like: I’m not a local, but then again who is and Finally, a Bachelorette Party that Celebrates Pain, Confusion, and Fear and The Oatmeal that Changed My […]

  2. I’ve been away from WP for a while, so I’m only now catching up with the posts you’ve written while I’ve been gone.

    I’m very impressed with your “Lord Of The Flies” theme for the upcoming bachelorette party for your sister, and I know that you will be giving her the experience of a lifetime, which she will never forget – no matter how hard she tries… Lol

    Oh, and I LOVE the picture! Never has any photograph ever been more convincing, that “Not having fun is not an option.” LOL

    • edrevets says:

      Visual representations are sometimes the only way to get one’s point across. Glad you like the idea! I’ll let you know how it goes….

  3. Rivki says:

    Haha, this cracked me up. You may be onto something big here.

  4. I just had my sister’s wedding on Saturday. Amaazing. But one thing we did on her hen weekend was a ‘Mr & Mrs’ video. You bridesmaids take the groom out on a “hag” – get him drunk and ask him lots of questions about the bride (video all of this by the way…) – like ‘what colour are her eyes? // what bra size does she wear? // who is her favourite heart throb?’ etc. Play the video to the bride on your hen-do, and get her to answer the questions herself, and see if groomy’s answers match. If that makes sense.
    You’ll be surprised how many he gets wrong…! (The wedding happened by the way, despite our groom’s utter drunken failure at question time) 🙂

    • edrevets says:

      Hahaha that sounds like a lot of fun—we could also ask questions like what kinds of lies he told in order to spend more time with her and then discover that the basis of their relationship is completely false!

  5. tedstrutz says:

    No you won’t… you will have high heels, dresses and colorful drinks.

  6. evea192 says:

    Hope this will go live on video? Sounds like it could become a hit?

  7. It’s always important to have an extensive thong budget. I’m a boy, and even I know that.

  8. Audrey says:

    Shoot! Can you throw my bachelorette party?!

  9. tomwisk says:

    Don’t forget to call ahead to the police so any mug shots to be taken will be tasteful. I know you only have your sister’s best interests at heart but some might not see that. To that end sports drinks laced with an inexpensive vodka will calm those who carp the loudest. You’ll have to tell them about the vodka, eventually. It’s the right thing to do.

  10. debsykate says:

    I Love this, Its striking a blow for all the non-giggly-girly-bubbly-tipsy women out there. Huge respect. You must spread this concept further afield until many others can have the honour of attending such a gathering. I love cottage cheese.

    • edrevets says:

      Thank you very much. Unfortunately, my sister bachelorette party probably won’t be like this, but I hope that mine is, whenever that happens.

  11. Katie says:

    you always make me laugh. your take on this wedding is like megan’s (melissa mccarthy) in bridesmaids. When discussing the bachelorette party: “How about female fight club?”

    • edrevets says:

      Thanks so much! I’m totally down with that idea…what’s more intense than fighting mono e mono until someone passes out. That’s something no one will forget even if they want to.

  12. Rich Crete says:

    Don’t forget the group pool to pick the exact date she discovers her husband’s 4th infidelity and the one picking which grade her first born will be repeating.

  13. sillyliss says:

    I am so glad that I’m not invited to this bachelorette party. Though I admit it does sound much better than the typical…

    • edrevets says:

      Well we certainly hope it will be, although there have been some frightening calls for boas and nail polish and the like. I, for one, will not succumb.

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