My sister is getting married at the end of June, and I have the pleasure of being a maid of honor/supreme co-ruler of the bridesmaids. One of the best maid’s duties is throwing the bachelorette party. Based on movies, books, television shows, and personal experiences, these parties tend to be visual manifestations of my personal hell.
I imagine girls getting together in dresses and high heels, sipping colorful drinks and letting loose like a bunch of fillies. Shoes! Giggles! Skirts! Tickles! Lingerie! Eeeek! Heeheehee! AHHHHH DEAR GOD NO!
It all sounds pretty awful, which is why I’m planning a party that’s going to rebel against all social norms and delve into the darkest parts of our souls. The party will be constructed around the keywords pain, confusion, and fear, and these concepts will inform every aspect of the celebration.
Instead of flirty summer dresses, our fabulous girlfriends will be advised to wear something utilitarian, breathable, and sturdy, as we will be performing complex physical tasks such as digging and crawling.
After getting together and performing vigorous calisthenics before eating a refuel meal of unseasoned cottage cheese oatmeal and tap water, we will start playing games. This is usually where bachelorette parties go even further astray. The gathering collapses into a mess of giggles as the women reminisce over the bride-to-be’s romantic past with her current squeeze and try to embarrass her about the fact she wears underwear. My theory is that no one cares.
I’ve replaced the boring games with something called Bride-Chase, which is a cross between capture the flag, hide-and-go-seek, and war itself. The game begins when the bride realizes her engagement ring has been taken.
Before panic sets in, she will be told that we know where her ring is but that she will have to get past every single feisty lass at the party in order to retrieve it. Her breast friends have become her bosom enemies. We are given ten minutes to hide before she sets out for the ring. As she struggles through the Bride-Chase zone, we will pelt her from our hiding spots with Super Soakers and sequined thongs. If she is ever hit on the face, she has to go back to the beginning, and we will certainly aim for the face.
The overall purpose of the game is to teach the bride-to-be that friendships are fickle and that one day she may find that everything she believes to be true is a lie. This is the lesson of Bride-Chase.
She has 24 hours to get her ring back or it will be sold to cover the cost of the oatmeal, cottage cheese, Super Soakers, and thongs.
No party favors or prizes will be given out. Instead, anyone who proves themselves weak will be forced to do burpees and suicides until they vomit, which probably won’t take very long.
I just hope my sister will be able to understand that this party is an incredible, unique, and priceless gift that she will never forget. It is also the only one I will be able to give her due to financial constraints.