Sometimes there’s only one way to soothe the ache that comes from living on this crazy ball of dirt. When the pressures of life worm their way into my brain and my mouth gets dry from the non-stop screaming, I shut myself in the coat closet with the lights off and suck back those sweet sweet Capri Suns like there’s no tomorrow and the night is truly endless and all-encompassing.
I drain pouch after pouch of sugar juice until my stomach swells and the pain dulls behind the sinking realization I’m going to have to buy more, slinking in front of the eyes of suspicious Wal-Mart employees who know I’m back at 3 am again to buy another 24 pack of Capri Sun.
Scientists say that Capri Sun is the healthy way to self medicate and recommend that everyone drinks at least one a day in order to keep down hair follicle aggrandizement. But I don’t care about the health benefits. I drink C-S because I know no other way to cope.
The amount of Capri Sun I need to consume in order to feel like my life has some kind of worth to it differs from time to time. Based on my years of experience, here’s a rough guide to how many pouches go with various kinds of emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial trauma.
No more poptarts left: 4 Capri Suns (preferably tropically flavored)
Stressful paradigm shift: 22
Un-stressful paradigm shift: 8 (it’s still a big change)
Personal breakup: 30+ (embrace the hopelessness)
Hole in the crotch of one of your favorite pairs of pants: 2
Too many voices in your head: 3
Silverware crises of various kinds (attacks, thefts, displacements):8-12
Your best friend turns out to be a potholder:27
You can’t sleep because your dream self keeps on trying to kill the president and you have a habit of sleep walking: 50+ (make a game out of it so you don’t fall asleep)
Poorly executed exorcism: 14
Broken arm: 5-7, or however many you can get before your family makes you go to the hospital
Sister ate your peanut butter: infinity. No amount of Capri sun can soothe this pain.