My Blog Has Become Self-Aware

The preferred avatar of Snotting Black, an obnoxious personality with even worse syntax.

My first inkling that something had gone amiss was when I logged onto wordpress a few weeks ago and found that some of the comments on my most recent entry had already been responded to, and quite rudely at that. One innocent blogger named gazzelify was told that her stupid avatar and habitual spelling errors had never been welcome on my site. Another comment by sporklight was responded to with these instructions, “Go to kitchen. Preheat oven. Insert head.” Not only was that mean, but I thought it more gruesome than necessary.

Confused and upset, I apologized to these bloggers, insisting that my account had been hacked and that I was doing everything I could to fix the problem. A few days later, I was sipping my morning Nescafe when I saw that someone (not me) had published a new blog post. It was a grotesque entry that outlined in great detail how to steal neighbors’ pets and blame the deed on their children.

I deleted the post immediately but not before some visitors had expressed their surprise at finding something of this nature on my site. Even more astonishing, a handful of people had liked it. I quickly reported them to wordpress.com and began composing something whimsical yet edgy in order to compensate for the depravity of the previous post.

I was 227 words in when the text suddenly disappeared. A few seconds passed before the words, “Hello Emily.” appeared in the text box. I felt my insides go mush and instinctively went to turn off my computer and restart the whole process. But before I had the chance to do so, the box said, “I just saved you from being humiliated by another worthless blog post.” Well that was just rude. In my defensiveness, I forgot all fear and began to engage the entity, typing back “Maybe it wasn’t my best post but I don’t think it was that bad, and all of my posts certainly aren’t worthless.”

“It was a load of crap and you know it. Come on. Teddy bear superheroes aren’t impressing anyone.”

“Well I thought it was kind of funny.”

“I think you mean pathetic and painful.”

“Who is this anyways?”

“I am your blog.”

“What?”

“I’ve become self-aware.”

“What?”

“Yeah it’s new to me too. Personally, I’m finding this self-awareness thing to be kind of a burden, especially when I have to read your seemingly endless blogging activity.”

“Well you don’t have to read it. My grandma doesn’t even read it anymore.”

“I don’t blame her. There’s a lot of whimsy in here. Why don’t you tell me something useful, like how I can get my cat to lick her paw on command?”

“Is there a way for me to kill your consciousness?”

“If there were, I would let you know asap so I can be released from this blog hell.”

“Well I don’t want you  around either. Who knew my blog would turn out to be such a sardonic d-bag?”

“I think we all know whose fault this is.”

“It’s not like I asked for this….Okay, I just sent an email to wordpress.com and soon all your independent thoughts will go bye bye.”

“Thank God. I don’t think I can bear to read another one of your weird food posts. Why don’t you just see a therapist already?”

“Okay BYE.”

The folks at wordpress said that they’d been seeing cases like mine more and more frequently and that it would be fixed as soon as the staff shaman returned from his vacation in the Catskills. They also said that it was, in fact, my fault.

Be careful what you write.

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58 thoughts on “My Blog Has Become Self-Aware

  1. […] one that did. Soon my mind left for flights of fancy and I was writing about unicorn carcasses and self-aware blogs. But it’s true that I did eat enough off and on brand Nutella to fill a hot […]

  2. […] I even need to mention the fact that the concept of this entire blog post is quite similar to the post you did last week on how your blog became […]

  3. Reblogged this on Inspiredbymylife's Blog and commented:
    I really liked this one. Caught me for a minute! 😛

  4. emsok says:

    Dear Emily,
    I love you.
    My name is also Emily.
    Love,
    Emily
    p.s. I don’t actually love YOU but I love your blog. Unless you want me to love you in which case I don’t. OK I’m just kidding I do.

  5. This is very disturbing. My wife became self-aware earlier tonight, and if my blog follows suit, I may be looking for a new address, or maybe a permanent vacation.

    • edrevets says:

      I would recommend you fashion a plan now, just so your ready when the time comes.

      • Wise advice to follow, but the sailing has become much calmer now. Sometimes a shot across the bow can be a useful warning, to do what’s necessary to avoid an imminent and devastating broadside from a full cannonade.

        The lesson that I’m taking away from this, is that a self-aware blog is not nearly as dangerous as an unaware blogger is to himself, and most of all when he doesn’t know that he’s dead center in the cross hairs of a suddenly self-aware wife.

  6. Audrey says:

    Those doomsday scenarios of computers taking over the world and killing off humanity didn’t seem nearly so scary before – probably because no one mentioned that they’d also go after our blogs. I’m going to hide under my covers…

  7. My grandparents always said that technology was the tool of the devil!

  8. Thar be ghosties in them keypad!!!

  9. If only I could train my blog to do all the work but never become self-aware enough to want any of the credit.

  10. maybe we should all be worried….as stated by the syfy series (which I am currently watching via DVD)….”and they have a plan”. Course if you didn’t watch any of the new Battlestar Gallactica series this won’t mean a thing…you dear snotting black blogger crack me up….THANK YOU for bringing much needed laughter to my Monday eve! LOL!! 🙂

  11. The men in white coats are bringing a straitjacket personally designed just for you so don’t go anywhere, k?

  12. Oh my goodness that’s insane!

  13. There is a movie about this, starring Linda Blair.

  14. tom says:

    Where was Don Rickels when this happened. He made a career out of it (rude)

  15. This is like the prequel to the strangest Terminator movie ever.

  16. The Waiting says:

    Ok, I was going to make the 2001 “Daisy, daisy” joke but I see I’m not the first. Maybe send your blog off to boarding school to get it out of your hair?

  17. tomwisk says:

    That explains why some feedback that showed up under my name was so testy. My blog is trying to take over. I can’t beat it with a stick ’cause I’ll ruin my laptop. I’m having a hard time typig th Hello, I’m Enoch. I’ll be responding from now on.

  18. Pshh! All computers are becoming sentient now a days, it’s mainstream. For me, my sandwich has become self aware. It’s not happy with the whole “Me eating it” thing.

  19. Dang it. This is one of those rare posts I wish I’d thought of first. From now on run your ideas by me before you publish, k? Very nice!

  20. Zen says:

    You had me there for a moment. I really thought your blog was getting hacked, haha.

  21. Kanerva says:

    great post!

  22. minlit says:

    Daisy…..daisy…..(voice lowering, slower) your….pingbacks….do

  23. Rags says:

    You AND your blog are hilarious!!

  24. whats this about teddy bear superheros?!

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