All Your Ideas Belong To Me

Attention everyone,

I’ve claimed all of the ideas. If you have any ideas you’ll need to send them to me immediately. I recently went through an alarming and ultimately unnecessary period in which I felt like I was running out of ideas. After only a short while, I realized that you creeps were taking all of them, and that’s not fair. In order to correct this, I went ahead and patented, copyrighted, trademarked, and carved in stone my absolute and total right to every single idea in existence.

As the idea holder, you can expect me to rule with the fair grace and efficiency of an evil queen. My decisions will be arbitrary but absolutely binding. Those with good ideas will be rewarded with a moment in my presence and those with incredible ideas will be killed in order to keep them from threatening my rule. If you don’t like this system, please let me know immediately so I can have you eliminated.

In order to send me your ideas, I’ve invented a system of computer correspondence, or compcorr, for your convenience. Of all the platforms I’ve developed, there is one called Good Mail—or gmail—that I consider the best and most intuitive. One of the things I’ve learned as supreme idea queen is that some ideas are better than others. The moment you feel yourself having an idea please send me a compcorr and then forget you ever had it. I would say that I appreciate your cooperation but that means you have some sort of choice in the matter, which you don’t, so that sentence is meaningless.

What I mean is, I would like to thank myself for coming up with this incredible idea and being brave enough to claim everyone’s intellectual property as my own. I’m in awe of my own power and I know all of you agree. Should you find this arrogant or self-assuming in any way, please let me know in a compcorr so I can put a chip in your brain and monitor you for future insubordination. Don’t try to resist. Even the very idea of resistance belongs to me, so you can see how pathetic and pointless that would be.

I look forward to hearing from all of you without exception.

Best,

Emily, Idea Empress

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53 thoughts on “All Your Ideas Belong To Me

  1. If only I had read this post sooner than now! I would have gladly given you some of my ideas from the last few days, but NO, who am I kidding here? Giving you those ideas would have been very unfair to you, even if it made my life easier.

    • edrevets says:

      Part of the job of being idea empress is dealing with the ideas, both good and bad. It’s a difficult job but one I must fulfill nonetheless.

      • Now that is a very fair arrangement, and it speaks well of the Idea Empress and her recognition of her responsibilities. But for your sake, I’m hoping that you are omniscient too, so you know ahead of arrival what is coming your way. Or at the very least, you know how to duck and cover, and do it faster than the blink of an eye!

  2. This one time, I was at this place, and started thinking about this thing that was doing stuff… Dammit! You really have taken everything! meh.

  3. tedstrutz says:

    Dear Idea Empress… what a novel idea. With our last Collective Idea, your readers have chipped in and taken up a collection to purchase electrodes, wire and a generator. You will be contacted and notified when to show up.

  4. girlforgetful says:

    [insert your idea of a thoughtful comment here]

  5. I have a hobo tied up in my basement, lovingly named Twisty, who gives me all my great ideas in return for beans. And no, I’m not sharing. I’m just too great.

  6. Enjoyed this post. It’s like Loki in Germany to those people: Freedom is a lie. You need a ruler. 😀

  7. Archon's Den says:

    Is this a great post? I have no idea!

  8. List of X says:

    I just had a totally awesome idea: how about you sign over all of your newly obtained intellectual property to me? You can totally take that idea.

    Wait!!!!, I just had another idea!!!… oh…wait… it’s the same one.

  9. vikingpet says:

    I humbly beg to serve, my Queen! >.<

  10. Found your blog cuz of jensine….so glad she posted about you….count me in as one of your stalkers now….and as Obi-Wan would say “…these are not the ideas you are looking for”…..

  11. tom says:

    Did this used to be known as Wriiter’s block. But a Blog with no Editor and nothing but adoring fans should preclude the dreaded writer’s block.

    • edrevets says:

      If there’s nothing else to write about, write about writer’s block. This is the secret of the man on the mountain. He’s also got an espresso maker.

  12. Yeah, I already wrote this blog a year ago.

  13. Never had a good idea in my life!!! ( kow toweng, backing from your receiving chamber,pulling forelock ) Nope not me!!!

  14. tomwisk says:

    Haven’t had a good idea since ’09. Can I borrow the one about the kidnapped boy so I can use it for my class.

  15. Awesome. Now I don’t have to worry about not having an idea for the ending of my novel. Sweet, sweet lack of responsibility.

  16. Addie says:

    How can you steal my ideas when I have none? So, HA! Fooled you!

  17. jensine says:

    I had that dea years ago that was why you were running out … I was sucking them all away through teh atmospher … I think … or was it all just a dream ???

  18. Rich Crete says:

    Here’s an idea. You could write about peanut butter. Wait. I think I stole that idea. From you. Never mind.
    My next original idea will be my first.

    • edrevets says:

      We’re all looking forward to it, especially me because I’ll be the one that owns it. And I feel like I’m long due for another peanut butter post. It has proven to be a source of almost endless inspiration. Almost.

  19. what about my bad ideas?

  20. Josh The Younger says:

    “If you don’t like this system, please let me know immediately so I can have you eliminated.” Amazing. 😀

  21. That’s so weird, I had the same idea. Or no, wait, I didn’t. You did. Or did I?

    I have to go lie down.

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