Hello there. I am a meat flavored chip, a food even most animals avoid. I see you’ve come to the shop for a snack, and luckily for you, we have many delicious offerings: tea biscuits, sawdusty wafer crackers, baked goods that smell slightly of garbage, refrigerated Snickers bars, and most importantly, all varieties of MSG laced chips: the Chipsys and Doritos and what have you. Sure we have the ketchup, chili lime, cheese, shrimp, and salt and vinegar flavors, but have you considered trying something slightly more repulsive? What you’re really looking for is me: a meat flavored chip.
Don’t think about it too much, about how this piece of fried vegetable matter has the distinctly smoky taste of leftover oil from a kebab grill or about how the almost fulfilling meaty taste and irresistible crunch leaves you deeply dissatisfied and spiritually drained, or about how you know your tongue will start to feel raw as your taste buds inevitably dull from the cocktail of chemicals that imbue me with my meaty flavor against the will of God.
You know that I’m an abomination, that this kind of taste should not exist on a chip. You know that your entire body should shrink away from me in disgust and recognize me for what I am, something wholly unnatural, a deviation from all that is wholesome. Furthermore, you know how you’ll feel about the whole affair in just 5 minutes, after your wave of hunger has subsided and you’re left tasting the chemical after notes of the artificial kebab flavoring as it bubbles up over the next hour.
But you’re hungry and your mind is not functioning quite right. The part of your brain that would recognize the horror of what you’re about to do is busy watching the food channel and drooling. Nothing can stop you and I’m so close. I’m right here, behind these bags of chips covered in far less carcinogens, the black color of my bag hinting at the evil that lies within, the evil that will soon be within you, creating in your stomach a veritable cesspool of laboratory substances.
Forget everything. Forget how you felt the last time. Forget that I am a meat flavored chip, nature’s scandal, and think of me only as the snack that you need right now. And the next time you want to spend a few hours in a bathroom, you can try out my buddy, the Doritos T-Bone Steak and Curry Collision. Treat yourself. Because you deserve something reprehensible.
I looked askance at those kebab flavored chips for years before I ate some by accident at a friend’s house in Cairo. Good lord, I’ve never been so pleased to see one of those half-liter bottles of Stella as I was at that moment . . .
Must look at your blog…you used the word askance.
Also, I can’t imagine any other scenario in which one indeed thirsts for the Stella.
Well, when I lived in the Emirates I drank Grolsch and Becks because I could. When we moved to Cairo I decided that Stella had a bit more oomph than Saqqara and that the local Heineken was overpriced and no better than Stella. Now that I’m back in the States paying rent, taxes, car payment, tennis lessons for the kids and all that I have no money left and am drinking things that you get in boxes of 30! Stella’s not looking so bad . . . By the way — did you name your blog after you got to Cairo?
My blog was named in honor of my move to Cairo, yes….because the snot turns black. I’m glad you recognized it! Only someone who’s been there would truly understand.
I recently tried a new flavor, “cheeseburger”. It was awful. It tastes like cheeseburger, but still, as a flavor on crisps, utterly awful.
NOOOOOO……cheeseburger sounds terrible, just terrible. So…crass.
Does a pork rind count as a meat flavored chip? It comes in a bag.
Ah, there’s nothing like slivers of fat and skin deep fried in more fat. I seriously can’t get enough of those delectable crunchy chips of death.
Well it’s crispy and it’s meat flavored….perhaps this is what all chips aspire to be?
I think you’re right. Bless their hearts!
And I thought you were associating with reputable main-street restaurants, only to find you’ve been hanging out with back-street, culinary deviants. How distressing. Shwarma, young lady, shwarma!
Tales of one of your (they put the “Mental” in) fundamentalist lawmakers, getting a nose job, and then lying about it, have reached all the way to Southern Ontario. How do you know when a politician is lying? His lips move!
Hahaha wonderful. I’m glad the the news of my wonderful politicians has been blessing other lands.
But is there a shwarma flavoured chip?
I don’t know whether to be disgusted or amused.
Oh wait, yes I do.
I’ll take any reaction.
Is there a cigarette flavored chip?
Not certain—-I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a meatloaf and candy corn combination.
Gotta love the options you get overseas! This is hilarious, by the way. 🙂
Thanks Audrey! Apparently in England there’s a whole line of meat flavored chips (I’m sorry, I meant meat flavoured chips)–including Chicken Tikka. I’m intrigued, to say the least.