How to Eat Mayonnaise Out of a Jar

I spell yoghurt with an h. Sue me.

This morning while wearing a cardigan I became hungry in the middle of class. At that moment, I pulled a jam jar filled with plain yoghurt out of my purse and started to eat it (the yoghurt). To the common observer, I was eating mayonnaise. Not only that, I was dipping McVitties Digestive biscuits in the mayonnaise. These delicious biscuits (better referred to as tea cookies for the American reader) are usually topped with Nutella, jam, peanut butter, or all three. Putting mayonnaise on them is ill advised and would likely result in the nausea of all parties involved, especially the biscuit. Yet this is what my classmates saw me doing.

While looking for an appropriately sized container for 6 oz. of yoghurt earlier that morning, I hadn’t thought of the fact that using a jam jar would make me look like a mayonnaise gobbling creep. To be honest, it’s not certain that anyone even noticed me as I was sitting in the corner with my jar, spoon, and white dairy substance. I certainly wasn’t looking at them, engrossed in the delicate effort of eating yoghurt out of a jar without making clinking sounds.

Later on, while despairing in the computer lab because of a lost internet connection, I noticed the striking similarity between my yoghurt lined jam jar and a jar that had once been full of mayonnaise. This was not the hope I had been looking for. “Ew,” I thought. Then I wondered how my classmates had reacted, if they had even noticed at all. How would they have responded to the strange sight of a fellow student slurping down mayonnaise and cookies in the morning? I can only imagine their thought bubbles….

“That’s disgusting.” “Not again.” “Does she know how many calories that has?” “I want a bite.” “ “….Mayonnaise shakes!” “How long has she had that in her purse?” “I would like some to put on my hair.” “She’s a monster.” “She’s a psychopath.” “She’s my hero.”  “I should avoid her.”  “I need to talk to her more.” “Is she single?” “Is this a cry for help?” “I shouldn’t have come to class today.”  “I miss mom.” “I don’t miss mom.” “Here comes my breakfast.” “And I thought the putrefying cat would be the grossest thing I saw today.” “She needs to leave Egypt.” “I hope she stays in Egypt.” “Am I that weird?” “She can do this but I can’t smell my toes in public?” “She’s got it all figured out.”

I can certainly agree with the last fictional statement. I do have it all figured out. Next on my hit list is drinking water out of a toothpaste tube.

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22 thoughts on “How to Eat Mayonnaise Out of a Jar

  1. Mona says:

    Hah, I just choked on my laugh. You need – must! – check out the cooking videos of Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time. Hint: the pre-dinner snack = mayo. I think they’re right up your alley (or nose). Do let me know your initial reactions, I find you strangely hilarious, and I’m not a person who laughs for just anything! 😀

    • edrevets says:

      Well thanks for stopping by! I have a weird fascination with mayonnaise….I used to work at a Deli where our famous honey mustard sauce was mostly made out of mayonnaise. It really had an impact on me.

  2. nsslan says:

    That’s not how you spell “youghurt”? I”ll be damned. My teacher might regret giving me that B in english.
    However, “yoghurt” is the correct spelling if you are writing in Swedish. 🙂

  3. Margie says:

    McVitie’s – Can you get the dark chocolate covered ones? They are my favourites, but I can’t find them in Canada all that often. I bought them all the time when we lived in England.

    • edrevets says:

      We can! When I went home over winter break, I brought my family back a total of 8 boxes of McVitties, including milk and dark chocolate covered digestives and milk chocolate covered hob nobs. Everyone was happy.

  4. Audrey says:

    Mayo with a spoon…. yes, I can imagine the looks of pure jealousy that were furtively thrown out to you. 😉

  5. Thanks for commenting on my blog, that way I found out about your amazing blog! I am laughing my ass off – awesome posts!

  6. blitzpillager says:

    Did you know granola bars and “yogurt flavored,” artificial mayonnaise are awesome together?

    Honestly though I would rather have a tea cracker with mayo, than a tea cracker with “Miracle Whip,” o_O If I was forced to eat anything disgusting while under interrogation!

    • edrevets says:

      I also hate Miracle Whip…it’s awful, worse than death if you ask me. It always reminds me of soggy lettuce.

      • blitzpillager says:

        lol, it must be the water, soybean oil and vinegar,sugar and the modified cornstarch, that makes it taste like that? A disgusting sandwich, just isn’t a disgusting sandwich without miracle whip!

  7. Archon's Den says:

    My son has worked at places where he was referred to as strange or weird. At his current plant though, he is thought of as the sane, well-centered one….by most of those out on bail. You and your eating habits are pleasantly insane. Just to let you know how far down the bell curve you are, I once knew a woman who intentionally burned toast, a nice solid black, and then used sliced pickled beets to make a sandwich. Meat chips is merely an aperitif.

    • edrevets says:

      Just wait till you see what I talk about today. I’ve realized that I tend to discuss food a lot, but not anything that’s actually good. If I’m ever the most sane person in a place then it’s likely time to flee.

  8. LOL – You can put me down for “I need to talk to her more.” Or maybe read more of her blog posts! 😀

  9. Rich Crete says:

    Wait. Public toe smelling isn’t allowed? Wow. Egypt is strict.

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