True Life: I Have a Little Thumb

These are both my thumbs

My left thumb looks like a toe and is roughly one centimeter smaller than my already petite thumb on my right hand. All my life people have laughed at how ridiculous my thumb looks and/or how precious it is, sometimes wanting to touch it as one might want to touch a friend’s baby or a puppy. They alternately tell me it’s adorable, reprehensible, or impossible. The little thumb baffles them. How does it exist? Why does it exist? Can you even use it? What kind of freak are you?

For years I’ve answered questions and put up with people objectifying me because of this irregularity in finger formation, and now, for the first time ever, I’m speaking out about my little thumb and putting to rest the rumors surrounding its existence.

Yes, I have a toe thumb and this does makes me different from people with two normal sized thumbs. And though it is true that one centimeter separates this thumb from the other, and thus separates me from most of the earth’s population, it is far from the only thing. The toe thumb also has mysterious powers.

I hesitate to use the word magical here, because that would give the impression I’m just another conjurer with sparks shooting out of my thumb as I summon plates of fresh cookies, but the powers of the toe thumb are much wider than that. Indeed, I am still discovering the full extent of its use. God knows how many natural disasters I’ve accidentally caused.

Aside from random acts of time bending, I have found that my thumb has water filtering, coffee warming, and dandruff inducing abilities. I can also control marsupials, watch black and white movies on any liquid surface, and always get the last biscuit.

Not only that, my thumb can detect the fashion trends of the future and is the reason for my impeccable style. Because of it, I can tell without looking when professors are wearing pantyhose or taking anti-balding medication and can sense the very moment in which a cucumber passes its prime. Every time I play one of those claw machines at supermarkets I win seven stuffed animals and I have never overcooked pasta. My whites are brilliantly bright because of the toe thumb and it reduces the ability of employers to know when I’m lying, though it doesn’t directly increase my productivity.

To say the least, my toe thumb is powerful and more opposable than your normal length thumb. So while people may laugh at the toe thumb because of its mildly grotesque appearance, I am the one laughing late at night as I gaze into my coffee mug and watch Casablanca while thinking about Professor Norton’s battle against genetics.

There are dozens of us out there, fellow toe thumbers with powers untold. One day we’ll live in a world where people will revere our disfiguration, but until then, let us wield our secret power over the same sizers as we bide our time for greatness.

P.S. Professor Norton actually has a great head of natural hair.

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31 thoughts on “True Life: I Have a Little Thumb

  1. Lost in Thoughts says:

    I am also one of those people with the mysterious thumb. I’ve always been so self conscious about it .. and i always thought it was like that because i was a thumbsucker when i was little. Glad to know im not alone though.. Gives me a bit of comfort..

  2. Nico Salazar says:

    Have you ever heard that they call this a killer’s thumb? People who have both thumbs as toe thumbs are about one in one-thousand. People with only one toe thumb and one normal thumb are rarer even still. Traditional palmistry teaches that this is the fabled killer’s thumb because usually at some point in their lives at least once they end up killing somebody. They end up killing someone and usually get away with it because what goes along with this is a very otherwise cool and even temperament with great control over the expression of their own emotions. So when they end up killing someone they don’t get caught because they are good at hiding it and they don’t give themselves away. Forgive me if this offends or if you think it sounds stupid. Most people don’t believe in that stuff anyway. I think toe thumbs are really cute. I dated a girl who had them. She was really hot. After that I started noticing people all the time that have them, all of them girls. I just have to ask would you ever kill anyone? Or have you already?

    • edrevets says:

      Before reading this I would say that of course I would never kill anyone, but now it seems I’m genetically inclined towards murder. So….maybe. I saw some people at the airport recently that I wouldn’t mind having “disappear.” Thanks for the info on the killer’s thumb….I had no idea how cool or deadly it was!

  3. crubin says:

    Don’t suppose you want to trade your toe thumb for my deviated pinky, do you? No, I didn’t think so. Sigh, my pinky holds no power.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Appreciate it!

  4. My grandfather had one arm shorter than the other by a good three inches. He always held his beer can in that arm’s hand….shorter trip to the mouth.

  5. Denise says:

    My power is that of noticing such finger/toe identity crises. I seem to be surrounded by people like you. I once sang “Tiger Feet” (replacing the word tiger with finger) so incessantly at one of my old housemates that he got upset and stormed out. It was not my intention to hurt his feelings, but I was so surprised and delighted by his long finger toes that my body just flung itself into song and dance. One of my friend’s sisters has a toe thumb so exceedingly squishingly that it’s nearly wider than it is long. I’m scared to look at it for too long, but I always get a bit of a rush when I do.

  6. Hilarious. I think I have finger toes.

  7. murr brewster says:

    No. Dozens? I think you’re probably it, baby, the whole country. I have the same issue, though, with tits, and still have no explanation in spite of the number of people who have volunteered to study them.

  8. Knew a professor who had short middle fingers on each hand. He started every year the same way.

    “In the interest of learning, I’m going to show you something now, in the hopes that it will answer a question that you will probably have but not ask in the future.”

  9. Ape No. 1 says:

    Looking down at my own thumbs now it is clear that I possess two toe thumbs so in a way I am a little jealous of your one proud elongated thumb. Does the disparity in size influence which way you need to be facing when hitch hiking?

  10. um, this was great. such fun to read. u cracked me up.
    just the approach, idea and design should b applauded. keep on

  11. madjamison says:

    How did you take the picture? Inquiring minds want to know?

  12. sillyliss says:

    I love your toe thumb! It’s got a lot of character, and a good sense of wit. : )

    Can your toe thumb please tell me if I should continue wearing my holey sweater, and also if embracing my hair clump is the proper course of action?

  13. Rich Crete says:

    Runtithumbitis is a harsh reality for many. Only the most brave dare talk about this syndrome. Most become delusional and confusional within months.
    (Insert sappy music here) Won’t you please help.
    Send cash, check or money orders to: Snotting Back

  14. It’s in the Bible that the “little thumbers shall inherit the earth”…honest. John: 16:32 :).

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