(after preliminary words, the trial begins)
“I will tell the whole truth, not part of it, and nothing else besides it, truth.”
Prosecutor: Where were you and what were you doing on the night of September 13, 2011?
Arabic student: It’s hard to say exactly….yesterday seems so long ago. I think I was at home, probably working on the balcony or something like that.
Prosecutor: What do you mean by working? Were you doing your “Arabic homework?” Is that right?
Arabic student: Well, yes…..when I come home from classes sometimes I take a nap but then usually I go outside and do homework and watch the bats flap around the tree that encroaches upon…
Prosecutor: That’s quite enough! So you were doing homework. Was there anything unusual about that night?
Arabic student: No, I don’t think so….I think I remember being stressed out by how much homework I had. I was wearing a tank top I hadn’t worn in a while. Oh! I ate a big shwarma sandwich earlier that day, so I wasn’t really hungry for dinner since I hadn’t been eating meat that much and…
Prosecutor: SILENCE! QUIT YOUR BABBLING! You say you weren’t hungry, but were there any other physical needs you were satisfying by partaking of certain elements?
Arabic student: Excuse me?
Prosecutor: WERE YOU THIRSTY? For goodness sake, is this so difficult? Were you thirsty? Go on and answer the question. Am I talking to myself here? Am I speaking English? Does my cravat frighten you? ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Arabic student: Okay, okay! No I wasn’t thirsty. I’m never thirsty at home because I always drink water out of a big blue cup covered in stylized fish.
Prosecutor: Ah ha! A big, blue, cup covered in stylized fish you say….about how many ounces do you think this cup of yours is?
Arabic student: probably about 32 ounces
Prosecutor: Monstrously large! And you mentioned you drink water, is that right? May I inquire as to the origin of this water?
Arabic student: Yeah I drink water since I think drinking juice is just like munching on sugar cubes and besides that it’s more…
Prosecutor: I will hold you in CONTEMPT! Answer my question! Where do you get this water from?!?
Arabic student: Okay, geez! I get it from the tap. I hate having to pay for bottled water.
Prosecutor: Disgusting! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please note the complete lack of taste the defendant has shown by drinking bleach-flavored tap water from a hillbilly’s water pail. Arabic student, as you drank, did you notice anything different about this obscene cup of yours?
Arabic student: Well, the water wasn’t as cold as usual since I had forgotten to refill the plastic water bottle I fill with tap water and keep in the fridge and so I had to drink warm water straight from the tap.
Prosecutor: No you baboon! Don’t waste my time with water temperature! Did you notice any other changes!
Arabic student: Now that you press the subject, I do remember seeing a dead mosquito on the side of my cup that night.
Prosecutor: Ha! Now just so the jury can be clear on how repulsive this is, could you please describe for us the precise location of the mosquito and approximately how long it had been there?
Arabic student: It was on the inside of the cup, near the water level and I have no idea when it got there.
Prosecutor: How ghastly! You mean to say there’s a substantial chance you had been drinking mosquito seepage for a significant amount of time?
Arabic student: Well…yes.
Prosecutor: And what did you do after you noticed the mosquito’s rotting corpse in your giant cup, as a human being generally concerned with hygiene?
Arabic student: Well my first thought was that I had to get it out, obviously, and so I stuck my finger in there and took it out but then I thought it would be cool to get a picture of it, since it was kind of funny.
Prosecutor: So, as a graduate from a university, what did you do then?
Arabic student: Well I put it back in the cup and took a picture of it.
Prosecutor: Utterly vile! My dearest jury members, may we be certain of the fact that this here Arabic student willingly replaced the deceased, disease infested mosquito, back into her dirty cup for the sole purpose of capturing it on film. And then, you surely removed it after that, right?
Arabic student: Well…no. I didn’t want to go wash the cup and so I just made a note of where the mosquito was and tried to avoid drinking from that spot.
Prosecutor: I’ve never heard anything more abhorrent! Clearly you’ve reached a new level of baseness only known to a class of human beings that completely rejects any semblance of propriety or civilization. If I understand you correctly, and I pray that I don’t, you not only continued drinking from the cup, but you didn’t even remove the mosquito.
Arabic student: Yes that is correct.
Prosecutor: When, if ever, did you undertake the removal of said mosquito and sanitation of the big, blue, cup?
Arabic student: Umm….
Prosecutor: TELL ME WHERE THE MOSQUITO IS! WHERE IS IT!
Arabic student: You see, that night was I really busy and stressed out about homework, so I….
Prosecutor: ANSWER ME!
Arabic student: I DIDN’T TAKE IT OUT, OKAY! IT’S STILL THERE! IT’S STILL THERE…. (breaking into sobs) I was going to do it eventually, but then I just got sidetracked….I…I….I don’t know what to say.
Prosecutor: A good place to start would be apologizing for the pathetic example of a human being you’ve become. Not only have you shamed you and your fellowship program, but you have shamed your parents, cousins, and roommates, both former and future.
Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to the jury the 32 oz. blue, plastic cup covered in stylized fish. If you’ll notice—and please try to hold in whatever vomit tests the strength of your lips—the mosquito is still there, part of it stuck to its original location, and part of it where the Arabic student willingly replaced it. May you swiftly convict the defendant of all she is charged with so that justice may be dealt swiftly. I rest my case.
I applaud your fortitude. Stick it the the man!
If by it you mean the mosquito, then I’m way ahead of you.