Tag Archives: restaurants

Square Plates Are an Abomination on the Face of a Dying Earth

imageA crises faces this generation. It is the crisis of the square plate, the better-than-you-evenly-sided monstrosity, the good-luck-getting-the-sauce slap in the face which is plaguing our restaurants, our cities, and our dogs.

I am not a foodie. I am not a restauranteur nor a critic nor a connoisseur of anything, not even church bathrooms or peanut butter. I do not claim to possess special knowledge, powers, or high fives and I do not boast exceptional height or good looks.

But I hope you will hear me for my cause, for I am a human. I am a person with almost disposable income, and I believe that I possess the right – nay – I demand the right to eat out of dishes that do not make me feel like a robot or a farm animal. I demand the right to eat out of proper dishes, not some trumped up piece of garbage, some toilet shard that is barely passing for a plate in what is barely passing for a place of hospitality.

This is the struggle of our times. At the very height of human civilization, how is it possible that some have fallen so very low and are wallowing in the dregs of second-rate design, inhaling the exhaust of fads farting their way through existence. It is, to put it bluntly, ugly. It is ugly. Not only is it ugly in form, it is ugly in function, a true Jezebel of the dinner table, an embarrassment in porcelain’s clothing, an emperor wearing no clothes and caught trying to attend a Zumba class.

It’s hard to know what is most terrible about this shameful spit of anti-design malfeasance. Is it how terribly clunky it is, its nightmarish IKEA edges, or its unforgivable flatness and lack of inspiration disguised as modernity? Is it the way it makes you want to smash it on the ground before it sucks any more life out of the world or causes yet another person to question their hopes and dreams? Is it the way that it is somehow smug, like someone who is technically nice but still makes you want to strangle them?  Is it the violence it inspires in everyone who sees it?

Only God in God’s infinite wisdom can fathom and place a name on the depth of this plate’s crime against all that is good and holy, for it is an abomination on the face of a dying earth.

I do not know the future and can merely put one step in front of another and take one breath at a time. But I hope and I pray for a day when all humanity will rejoice and join together in song as we dance and dance and dance, trampling the very last square-edged faux-modern plate into dust which will then blow away harmlessly into the boiling seas.

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High-End Restaurant Concepts from Children

Lunchable themed restaurant?

San Francisco is a bizarre place. Everyone complains about not having enough money while eating out four times a week and spending $100 each weekend on drugs and alcohol alone. Based on my armchair research, this phenomenon is the result of a large population of parentally wealthy young people, people who are used to a high standard of living but don’t make enough money to support it. For that reason, they save nothing, spend 50% of their income on housing and the other 50% on going out.

These yuppsters demand tasty, childhood-nostalgic food, leading to eateries such as a restaurant that only sells macaroni and cheese, one that specializes in carnival-inspired food, and a pirate-themed bar, concepts that children ages 5-12 would also enjoy. As a money-making scheme, I briefly considered getting kid’s opinions on restaurant concepts and then stealing them, but instead I opted to imagine what a 9-year-old would think and forgo frequenting playgrounds where I would undoubtedly raise parental suspicions while conducting interviews.

Note: If there is anyone out there who is inspired by these ideas and wants to take them on, please shove it because they are mine.

1. Slime: At this restaurant, not only are there a variety of slime-inspired food items like Slimey Cornish Game Hen and Slime Shroom Soup, but every patron enters the restaurant knowing that he or she has the chance of being slimed for no extra charge. Showers provided at the YMCA down the street for a nickle.

2. It’s your birthday!: The hostess chooses one birthday boy or girl out of each party. The birthday person wears a funny hat, commands the conversation with pre-chosen discussion topics, orders his or her favorite foods for everyone in the group, and gets to blow out as many candles as he or she wants on the cake. Due to San Francisco law, no singing is allowed.

3. Candyland: All food items are made solely from candy, with dishes such as Flambeed Heart of Reese’s on a Bed of Twizzlers Scented with Hershey’s Syrup, or Braised Lindt Truffles Smothered in Peanut Butter and Topped with M&Ms. For beverages, only milk, hot chocolate, Bailey’s and their combinations are offered. Insulin provided upon request.

4. Outerspace: Featuring space ice cream and all the weird, dehydrated, astronuat food that has been turned delicious using the magic of science. For an extra fee, groups can reserve an actual space shuttle and go to Oakland!

5. Camp Swampy: Everyone’s camp favorites such as fish sticks, mashed potatoes, biscuits and gravy, meatloaf, and French fries done up all fancy like and served to you by a staff that still doesn’t care. Truffle oil on everything! Sole sticks! Gravy with hand-made sage sausage from a pig named Phillip! Coolaid made with top shelf rum!

6. Eve: Formed around the holiday of Christmas Eve, this restaurant is open to people of all spiritual backgrounds, because presents are more important than religion. Not only does the restaurant serve up some of the most indulgent holiday treats, but for a fee, everyone has the chance to open one present! Enjoy the holiday atmosphere but watch out for Santa—he might slime you or take your wallet!

Anyone have any other ideas for high-end restaurant concepts inspired by children? What do real children think?

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