Tag Archives: New Year’s resolutions

Don’t be scared, but this blog has been phoenixed

Dolores Park San Francisco Another year, and my computer is humming just a little bit louder, a hipster choir boy wearing skinny jeans underneath his robe on a chilly morning. One day ‘ol compy will hit that high-c and leave me to audition on The Voice. Until then, grease spots and Cairo dust will speckle this beautiful machine in peace.

And beautiful it is, just as all of you are (especially you, Mom), glowing with opportunity in the now-slightly-used New Year.

I’ve already thrown away six pairs of underpants. What have you done? Share it in the comments while I move onto a different topic.

Three of you are (or were) avid readers of this blog. 80% of you are 30% related to me and at least one of you knows what I’m about to say, but here it goes anyways:

I’ve phoenixed the blog.

This blog, the one you see before you, the one graced with the semi-unfortunate “Let’s Ovulate” post and other posts of various quality, this very blog has been transformed. It was burned to the ground in a bonfire worthy of being Freshly Pressed and its ashes left to blow forsaken across Google image search results, a sad few stumble-uponers mistakenly subscribing for a blog that was no more.

But a dead blog this shall be no longer.

From the ashes, a fire has been woken. A blog from the tombs has sprung. The blogger awakened has been. And posts, glorious posts overflowing, shall once again tumble like jewels from the mouth of an enchanted sea lion.

This, however, is not the same Snotting Black that it once was, born in the land of Egypt and raised in various apartments in Giza.

Just as Gandalf was transformed after falling into the depths of Moria, so has this blog been changed. After months of rumination, countless tears, and several poptarts, I have decided to redirect this blog’s focus, and the most creative thing I could come up with was “a blog about San Francisco.”

Luckily for me, it doesn’t seem like anyone else has thought of this topic, so I hope to take over the market fairly quickly.

For some reason (possibly the chip in my brain), I’ve been finding the world and the humans in it more fascinating by the day. My goal in Snotting Black 2.0 (which will retain its original name and not be called Snotting Black 2.0), is to impart some of the wonder of the world to you, through telling stories about San Francisco. It’s as simple as that.

In contrast to this blog’s previous life, I will now try to impart knowledge, meaning, or some kind of feeling into your very being, whether you want me to or no. This means there will be facts. There will be interviews. There will be real pictures of real places with real people who didn’t want their picture taken.

I may have already said too much, but I hope I set the bar high. I don’t know how long I have in this city before it’s incinerated by God’s wrath, and I aim to do a lot of exploring before then.

See you around town.

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New Year: Time to Fail

Notice the error in spelling “special.” I can make mistakes if I want.

Welcome to the New Year. Odds are you’ve already messed it up. As usual, you thought that this year was going to be different. Yet barely a day into it, you once again sullied the fresh snow of new opportunity. Now it looks as appealing as Mr. Sprick’s yard on a snow day, and he has 5 kids, a few dogs, and a mule. Have you ever seen how much mules pee? No one wants to look at that yard, much less do anything in it.

Now you’re going to have to wait a whole new year to get a fresh snowfall, and meanwhile you have plenty of time to consider all the ways you went wrong. Why didn’t everything change at midnight like it was supposed to?

One of the more glaring problems is that you have remained the same person. Your new, sequined dress and hair-do for New Year’s Eve didn’t make you lose weight, and you never looked like Gwen Stefani. Furthermore, whatever glamour hocus pocus you attempted wore off rapidly as the evening progressed, like it always does, leaving none for the morning after. You awoke New Year’s Day having retained many if not all of the habits and excuses from your former life of 2 days ago and you still find it difficult to do the things you should do and accomplish the goals you put off when today was tomorrow. Most unfortunately, you’re still yourself, and that has always been your biggest problem.

Another monkey wrench in your New Year’s plot is the fact you had one at all. There is nothing special about New Years. It is an arbitrary day assigned an arbitrary number that has arbitrary meaning in a society you were arbitrarily born into. There is no magic in it that will make your wishes for change come true, especially if you do nothing, as usual. Magical New Year’s fairy dust won’t make you the person you want to be. You can’t sprinkle it on a pile of books you want read or a treadmill you want results from or a human you want to friend and expect those things to happen. It’s just skin cells and dirt, like dust always is, like it was yesterday and like it will be tomorrow.

Perhaps one of your biggest mistakes was that you thought positive life changes can only be implemented on a specific date once a year. This is a common misconception, and you’re not alone in such convoluted thinking. However, research has shown that these kinds of changes can take place regardless of the date. Science has thus released us from the prison of miniscule timelines and disposed of our archaic excuses. Thank goodness.

And finally, you may have unfortunately bought into the idea that transformation happens instantly. This is a most inaccurate notion. A large pine tree grows in my front yard. It was not always large. It has grown over the past 15 years into a respectably sized organism, just as you have. Family dysfunction that has festered for decades will not disappear in a month. Bad habits you’ve practiced daily since college will not take kindly to being abandoned. You are still yourself, after all, and that includes everything you would rather not include.

So yes, you have failed to become a new person overnight, the person you should, can, and want to be. You ate another cookie, cursed in front of a child, or vomited into a friend’s shoe. Nothing has changed.

But don’t despair yet. There’s still hope, and it’s not because next year is another year, or tomorrow is another day. It’s because every day you have a million chances to right your wrongs and strangle your bad habits. You have a first, second, fourth, and eight hundred and sixtieth chance to get it right, and that’s just today, after which there will likely be a tomorrow. But there’s no reason to wait. Screw New Year’s Resolutions.

Lastly, I would like to apologize, as it appears I’ve just written an inspirational blog post.

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