Because arm stumps are gross.
I was brushing my teeth yesterday and noticed my left arm was still bothering me. I looked down and realized there was nothing left of it besides a bloody stump that ended at the elbow in a jagged open wound. Blood dripped onto the white tiled floor and I thought to myself, “That explains a lot.”
As I stood on top of one of the Twin Peaks and looked out over the bright city of San Francisco and into the bay beyond with its rust colored Golden Gate Bridge and the lumpy green mountains beyond that, and looked behind me and saw the setting sun and its reflection in the water so it looked like two suns, and glanced down and saw my lengthening shadow on the earth, and felt the coolness coming from the trees, and considered all the combinations of colors of green and blue and brown and bright that lay before me, I thought to myself that there is no other city I have found in this earth that has such a high concentration of everything I love. Creativity, nature, color, coffee, books, floral dresses, and sidewalks all combined and laid out on a grid set between hills on a peninsula in the bay.
And then I thought that I would like to live in California, if it would have me, and especially if it would find me a place to live and pay my bills. But those might have to be personal journeys. I would make the effort, though. It would be worth it to live here.
Here I come, just another liberal arts graduate with a job in retail.
these boxes do not hold the key to your future. please look elsewhere.
Thank you for completing CareerBeam’s skill verification exercise. At this juncture, our special algorithm would have usually crunched your responses and placed you in one of six categories we use to classify all of mankind. With the knowledge of your category, the world would have been yours for the taking, success and fortune shortly following the completion of our quizlet.
Unfortunately, due to an irregularity in your responses, we are unable to process your information and provide you with the only thing that would rescue your future self from a failed life. The irregularity could have resulted from one of three circumstances:
a. You are wholly unfit for employment. Return to the cave from which you crawled and burden society no more.
b. You are the antichrist. We are legally obligated to tell you about this possibility while not revealing whether or not you are “it.” If your responses lined up with the predicted skill set of the Man of Sin, a team of US Marine exorcists will have been called to exterminate you. Please remain where you are.
c. You are not human. Most likely you are a forest or river spirit trapped in a human body. In either case, you have no place in the workforce. Please take our quiz “Finding your spirit identity” for advice on how to escape your fleshy prison.
Thank you for using Career Beam and we hope you consider us for all your future self-awareness needs.
Sometimes, the snow loses its charm
EVERYONE LOOK! THERE’S SNOW FALLING ON MY BLOG! It’s either the magic of the season or the fact I checked the box that said “let snow fall on this blog until January 4th.” Whatever it is, it’s enchanting. The holidays really are coming! Wishes really do come true! Polar bears do love cuddling more than mauling!
Because of these animated snowflakes drifting across my online pastime, I know my homework will somehow be done, though it be of poor quality and turned in late.
Gifts for my family and A-list friends will be purchased, though at the last minute and with the pocket change I’ve spared from my final get togethers with friends at expensive restaurants.
I will survive the next week and a half, though in order to eat I will likely have to borrow money that may or may not be paid back after the break.
And the mosquitoes will die when the sun finally blows up and the earth is burnt to a crisp.
This snow is a continual reminder while I’m looking at my blog that holiday times coincide with cold weather in some parts of the world. It reminds me of the Christmas lights I will be seeing in abundance very soon and the obnoxious old Christmas songs I will once again hear ad nauseam once I reach the United States of America. It is a reminder that nothing is wrong during this time of year, that winter is just beginning and the snow is still a novelty, and that everyone is happy.
Thank you, snow, for doing all you do. I dread January 4th, when you go away from my blog just as people in the Northeast, Upper Midwest, and North-Central plains realize their snowdrifts will not melt until late April. I, however, will be in Egypt, where there will be no snow and no drains in the streets for years to come. I’ll probably be wearing t-shirts and high fiving my friends by early March, laughing at how foolish everyone was to welcome the fluffy precipitation only a few months earlier.
But for now, let me love the snow and look forward to its temporary promise of renewal. Let me imagine the world’s sins covered in a white blanket and Christmas carols. Let me believe in the fable of the perfect Christmas one more time.
Note: it did not look this good
I have recently tired of my daily falafel sandwich, and have taken to eating the mediocre and overpriced sandwiches from the cafeteria on campus. The main interesting feature about them is that they are cold, whereas the falafel sandwich was hot. This provides me with the variety that spices my life. It doesn’t matter which one you pick, they all essentially taste the same and the meatless ones all cost the same.
Unfortunately, one of these sandwiches provided me with an experience that left me with a valuable lesson and the answer to one of the more important questions of life, that question being:
Should I eat this thing that looks like an egg sandwich the day before I’m going camping?
The answer is no. You should not eat that thing that looks like an egg sandwich the day before you go camping. Here is a non-exhaustive list of reasons why:
1. Regardless of where you are in the world, mayonnaise is essentially a petri dish, a fertile and suitable growing environment for all kinds of bacteria.
2. Even in the states, egg salad is at least 50% mayonnaise. Overseas, this percentage jumps to 70-80%.
3. People seem to believe that an egg sandwich, as a finished product, can be left anywhere for an unlimited amount of time and will not go bad: the backseat in a hot car, on the picnic blanket in the sun, or outside the cafeteria in Cairo. This is patently not true
4. The incredibly mushy texture of the sandwich indicates that the contents of said treat have been pressed together for no small length of time. To someone slightly less hungry with a firmer grasp of common sense, this would be what is referred to as a “bad sign.”
5. The bizarre sweet flavor of the sandwich, and the fact that even after consuming it I wasn’t sure whether or not it had egg in it, also indicate that it was either spoiled or never fit for human consumption in the first place.
At any rate, as a result of said “egg” sandwich, I’ve been subject to one of the most thorough purification treatments I’ve ever had, something rich European ladies would pay thousands for I’m sure.
And the best part of all is that I feel better enough now to go camping! Wish me luck and see you on Tuesday, probably!
Snotting black 