Lord of the Blog

One blog to rule them all, one blog to find them. One blog to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, in the blogosphere where the shadows lie.

Beware of Mark.

Long ago, in an age that has been forgotten, evil covered the earth. Men struck each other down with their hands, teenagers used poor spelling in social media posts, and children dreamt nightly of living inside a television, in order to break the last barrier between them and the only thing they loved. Humans were slaves of chaos, fear, and greed. Art was rendered impossible, as was music. Only bare shrieks were heard in the never-ending nights.

Then hope came in the form of the Googles, a race sent from Outside to restore order to the earth, a daunting task. But the Googles were a wise race, emboldened with cutting-edge technology and neat glasses. They were strong, powerful, and benevolent. Through their kind words and endless tutorials, the people began to hear and see beyond themselves for the first time after years in the dark.

Decades of toil passed until music could be heard in the streets once again, spilling over from warm homes that were broken no longer. Art covered the walls of cities, and men and women greeted each other with a smile and a how-do-you-do as they went about their business.

But the peace was not to last, for living among the Googles and the earth peoples there lay a snake in the grass, a wolf in sheepskin, a polar bear in a baby seal suit, and its name was Mark. It gets a little complicated, but essentially Mark was a fallen archangel with some serious attitude problems and the overwhelming desire for everyone to worship him. Alas, through his aura of salivation-inducing coolness and his superior coding abilities, he fooled the Googles and earth peoples into giving him their trust, and they knew not that they spelled their own ruin.

Baiting them with honeyed words, Mark used the Googles to construct the ultimate weapon of all time: the blogosphere. He told them that it would be a massive art project, something of true beauty, where anyone who wanted to could write or post or share to their hearts content and thus enrich the lives of other earth dwellers. And thus it was a thing of true beauty, with one horrifying, deadly flaw.

He enlisted their help in building one Blog that was to guide the others and help them achieve their full potential. It was to be the most powerful Blog in the blogosphere, one that only Mark could use. And so it happened. He created a blog so compelling, so readable, that all others wanted to be like it and bent to its will. Each keystroke controlled an army and every post could incite millions to action or passivity. The world breathed only with the Blog’s permission.

With hearts and minds in sway, Mark soon used the one Blog to inspire the earth dwellers to war with the Googles, and the age of prosperity was no more, with darkness once again consuming the earth and cat pictures populating the blogosphere.

Ages later, the password to the Blog was lost and Mark was diminished and moved to Minneapolis. But still the Blog waits, for those who would find it and aspire to wield its power and become Lord of the Blog.

But there is only one. And he is in Minneapolis. Fellow bloggers, beware.

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8 thoughts on “Lord of the Blog

  1. Archon's Den says:

    Through a glass darkly. I don’t think Mark heals anyone.

  2. Never again shall Mark be allowed to leave Minneapolis, the hobbits and I won’t allow it, the one blog is lost in the Mirky Mists of Belloc

  3. jensine says:

    my blog is quite happy to just bite at peoples heals and hide

  4. O Mark, please accept my homage from the Blogopsphere! We of the Blogosphere will keep looking for the lost blog and follow you around O Diminished One! We declare you Lord of Humour today.

  5. tom says:

    Who knew that I was “Lord of the Blog” and Darth vadars’s Dad.

  6. maryisidra says:

    That was also my first thought. Mark Sean Penn. Of whom do you speak oh wise one? Please in your great wisdom lead us to the path and show us the way. ( with a cherry on top ) 🙂

  7. I love it! LOL (The post) Although, yeah, I do agree with Tomwisk; I thougt we were going to talk about Sean Penn for a minute there.

  8. tomwisk says:

    Do I have to team up with techie Hobbits and fight a dragon? This Mark looks a lot like Sean Penn.

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