Don’t watch!
The other day I went to an event where most people had friends and I knew no one. I cleverly disguised this, however, because it’s hard to meet people when you start out by saying, “I came alone.” I immediately got in line for something, because lines are by far the best places to mingle. The guests are trapped, subject to any conversation topic you might bring up, just waiting to be entertained. It’s perfect.
After hanging around in lines, I ended up leaving the party and getting a drink with a group of new friends, failing to get all of their numbers with one exception, and resigning myself to the fact I’ll never see any of them again. It was a valuable experience, and I learned two things. One is that wearing a piece of crazy clothing makes it easier for people to remember you, especially if it’s a cape that allows you to blend in with walls and then scare them. And the other, more important thing I learned is that you shouldn’t look while you shake hands with someone, no matter how weird or uncomfortable it is.
Here’s what happened. As I and my group of new never-to-be-heard-from-again-techie friends were leaving, I went to give handshakes all around. I “put ‘er there” to a young man who is beginning his job at a well known Bay Area start-up that has revolutionized how we interact (hint), and as I gripped firmly I noticed that something had gone horribly wrong with the handshake. I felt pressure, but only on the outer rim of my palm. It was like his hand was hollow or weak muscled on the interior. Puzzled, I took a peek to find out what was happening.
This was weird. I had no idea that staring at handshakes is unusual until I was doing it, and it was weird. Immediately, the soft techie geek took notice and asked me what I was doing, to which I quickly replied, “Nothing.” And he said, “You were looking at the handshake,” an accusation I dodged by saying, “No I didn’t.” Seconds later, I walked away with two strange nerds and never saw any of them again, yet.
A fedora-wearing-boy who was possibly still in high school accompanied me back to the train station with a man who builds inflatable robots at work. I told the fedora I would text him about contra dancing and he seemed rightly skeptical.
As I got on the train heading home, I thought that maybe not getting any of their real information except for fedora’s was for the best. And after all, it is San Francisco, and I’ll probably find people just like them at the next nerdy event I attend. This is my ocean and I’m on the lookout for bigger fish to cling to and shake hands with properly.
*The term handshakefulness is not my own. It was created by the 30 Rock writing staff.
Snotting black 
Great! Brought back a memory too x
Haha glad I’m not the only one.
Reblogged this on San Diego Business Networking.
that’s so funny!! thanks for the post hah
Glad you enjoyed!
This is hilarious!! I’ve been meaning to write about networking for a while – the worst! And amazing use of Jack Donaghey Speak.
You gotta love Jack. Networking is hilarious…so much blog fodder there.
This sounds like the type of thing they would have done on Seinfeld. “You were looking at the handshake.” “No, I wasn’t”, etc. I once worked for a day or two on the road with some college workmen I’d never met, one of whom had an obvious bad eye. When shaking goodbye, he was trying to find my hand and I started moving mine around, totally forgetting about his eye and, I suppose, lack of depth perception and whatnot. It wasn’t till everyone cleared out of the room that I realized what I had done.
That’s perfect. This is the kind of life experience you just can’t get in school, unless you go to school with people with lazy eyes.
you didn’t get inflatable robot guys number?? That guy sounds amazing.
Definitely better than fedora guy. To be honest, I think fedora scared him off, back to his robots.
Aw. Well I can understand that. Fedora’s can be a turn off
In Navajo or Dine (missing the –> ‘ <–thingy over the "e" there…and it is pronounced Din-eh') culture, the "limp", soft handshake is the norm. Just saying, in case you decide to head to Farmingtin or Shiprock on an Americorps assignment, which would undoubtedly make you more employable while giving you plenty to write about, AND a bit 'o money and an education grant which, if you play your cards right, you could use to buy your next computer. ( You will need one soon with all the porn sites youve been surfing on your down time. ) Good luck!
Well I’m off to apply for the Peace Corps now.
You really like screwing with people’s heads. Looking down at the proffered hand is kind of iffy. I was at a deal where my host was introducing me to folks and I came upon one guy who, when I put out my hand, dropped his right in. I tried to clasp it, couldn’t. Turns out guy had the thumb and ring and pinkie fingers missing.
Oh lord. That’s a real plot twist.
So when you looked down…what did you see?!?!?!?
It seemed normal! That was the weird part, but then things got even more awkward.
Watch out for people with floppy handshakes!