I Want to Have a Wedding but I Don’t Want to Get Married

You get to eat gobloads of dessert.

Roughly 11 days, six hours, fifteen minutes, and thirty three seconds ago, my sister was wed to the love of her life in an outdoor ceremony somewhere in the Oklahoman woods. Afterwards, the wedding guests successfully dined and danced, with minimal injuries and no deaths.

All in all, it was a wedding that will be hard for us siblings to beat in the future. Because like most things in life, this is a competition. You may have laid down the gauntlet, sister, but I’m hot on your trail.

I was standing about a foot to the left of the bride and groom during the ceremony, my bouquet at belly button level, my eyes trained on the happy husby and wifey to be, my heart pounding in time with theirs. From my front row position, it was such a joy to watch the happiness creep into the pits of the audience and dot their foreheads with glisten. When the kiss came, we cheered our well-wishings and rushed away as fast as possible, seeking out pockets of moving air and shade.

The eating of BBQ and various desserts was followed by two speeches (one given by me) and the breaking out of various grooves as the sun set behind the capital building and glow sticks illumined the night air, old fogeys watching from their tables in disbelief as the hip young things made fools of themselves.

Soon it was time to send the couple off. At the height of the gyration-induced ecstasy, a whisper went through the crowd that it was time to gather, and bring the glow sticks. We lined the pathway to the getaway car—a golden buick, a chariot most fitting– and we flapped and woo-ed and shouted them into the car and watched them drive away.

That’s when clean up began. The lights came on, food went into boxes, pre-trash became real trash, bottles were collected, and the magic was systematically stored and re-located to vehicles.

At that moment, something very important occurred to me. I realized that, if done correctly, my wedding day will be the best party of my life. It has all the elements of an incredible event from the outset: copious amounts of gifts, friends (and family) from all over the country, tasty treats, everyone’s favorite songs, and a reason to dance.

But in addition to all that, there are tons of bridal benefits that are simply not found in other parties.

The bride gets told she’s beautiful all day long. She could be wearing a sailboat covered snuggie and eating peanut butter with her hands straight out of a jar and people would still constantly swoon over her. Brides also are the guilt-free center of attention for the entire day, which is pretty much my dream come true.

I’ve also found that guests at weddings are unlike guests at other events. They’re more likely to be optimistic about everyone’s future and say what sound like meaningful things. The word love is thrown around more than a roll of toilet paper on a diarrhea-fraught camping trip. But, most importantly, the bride does not have to help clean up. In the middle of her dancing euphoria, she gets to leave with her lover while everyone else has to stay behind and put on rubber gloves.

If this isn’t the perfect party, I don’t know what is.

So the production of my sister’s wedding ended with me marveling at the bliss of her love and wondering how I could have a wedding without getting married. Any and all suggestions are accepted, as well as gifts and other tokens of appreciation/attention.

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18 thoughts on “I Want to Have a Wedding but I Don’t Want to Get Married

  1. I enjoyed this tremendously, having just tied the knot myself. I am trying to plod my way through building a glob, er blog, and can’t wait to post an entry about every brides favorite: plus ones and no shows. Good work!

  2. Ape No. 1 says:

    Haha! It’s not a truly romantic wedding post until there is the mention of a loose bowel motion. Kim K might have some advice for you.

  3. Have an artist carve a surrogate you into a wedding cake and then say you’re marrying your favorite food, which you’ll gladly share with the guests, the only stipulation that they have to clean up afterward. Sounds like a great bargain to me! “With this serving spatula, I thee…umm…wed, I mean, eat my wedding cake!!!” Imagine the YouTube video of you stuffing wedding cake into the mouth of wedding cake — instant viral sensation, movie rights, stardom, and ridiculous offers of marriage from strangers!!!

  4. sillyliss says:

    Don’t they have a ceremony now where a person can marry herself? It was on the front page of my favorite section of the Fargo newspaper: She Says. This is where they put all of the important news aimed at women, since obviously women are not concerned about “real” news.

  5. Maybe a soap opera inspired wedding where the groom’s wife crashes it, as she woke from her coma on that island she was shipwrecked on. Also she is your evil twin (or you can pick which of you is the evil one).

    But wait, actually you want the reception without the wedding, so reverse them or something.

  6. tomwisk says:

    It takes too many people to fake a wedding. Sorry you won’t be able to get the benefits without the having to go through the wedding.

  7. jensine says:

    same here love the idea of all the well-wishers and gifts but actually walk down the aisle … rather dance the night away in Cuba in a pair of MB

  8. artzent says:

    Oh Gee, How do you have a wedding and not get married? You could always have the wedding annulled agreement already signed!!!!!!!!!!!!

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