Belle vs. Beatrix Kiddo

This post is in relation to a movie character tournament I’ve entered over at EduClaytion. If you read nothing else, please go there and vote for Belle sometime—either today or Saturday.

Warning: contains violent material but no sex. MPAA rating: G.

The Opponents:

Simple but peculiar country girl.

Belle: A girl from the French countryside, Belle is quiet but intelligent, a bookworm who adores cute animals and singing. She especially loves the waltz, brightly colored floor length dresses, and fairy tales. Her biggest wish in life is to find true love and remain close to her father.

Hardened killer.

Beatrix:  Formerly the most skilled member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, Beatrix Kiddo has killed more people for money than live in Oklahoma. She once survived a bullet to the head, awaking from a five year coma only to wreak revenge on her would-be killer. Possessor of the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, she is a merciless machine.

The Fight:

The room is completely dark. One spotlight illuminates Belle as she sits at an ornate desk, reading Pride and Prejudice, hardback edition. She hums softly and is wearing a stunning golden ball gown, barefoot.

Beatrix enters the room and slowly approaches the desk, every nerve in her body on edge. She was facing a Disney class pyscho.

“Oh.” Belle murmurs without looking up. “It’s you. That’s too bad. This book is fascinating, and I was just about to get to my favorite part because, you’ll see, here’s where you DIE!”

Still screeching she slams her book shut, thrusting herself away from the desk. Beatrix freezes, mesmerized by the creature…the word  “beast” echoing in her head. Animal-like, Belle leaps three feet into the air, landing on the study as she savors the fear in Beatrix’s eyes. She hisses and then lunges at Beatrix who at the last moment aims a punch at Belle’s perfectly formed chin.

It hits true. But Belle is a most peculiar mademoiselle. Her mouth gapes wide, jaws extending to inhuman proportions, and her teeth sink into Beatrix’s hand flesh. At the same moment, Belle grips her book and digs one of its corners into the ex-assassin’s left eye. Howling in pain, Beatrix attempts to repel the beast with a kick to her abdomen.

Big mistake.

Belle grasps her foot and wrenches it and her entire leg hard to the left. Tendons, ligaments snap. Beatrix begins to lose consciousness, staggering backward until she tumbles to the ground.

The princess is on her prey in a second and gets ready to deliver the coup de grace. She summons everything within her and cries a single tear that falls on Beatrix’s right cheek.

With a perfumed sizzle, her skin turns into a single rose petal at the tear’s impact point. Rippling outward from the teardrop, her body continues its transformation until all that remains of the ex-assassin is a pile of rose petals and a sheathed sword.

With both hands, Belle scoops up the petals and presses them to her face, inhaling deeply. She tosses them on the ground and goes back to reading. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth were about to dance.

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37 thoughts on “Belle vs. Beatrix Kiddo

  1. This is great stuff; I knew that Belle was the bravest Disney princess because she was willing to give up her future to save her dad, instead of just crying because she couldn’t have legs or go to a dance or whatever, but I didn’t know she was a trained assassin.

  2. […] google and unknowingly clicks on my site. The image is indeed the fair lass clad in yellow, but the article is one in which I pitch her and Beatrix Kiddo, of Kill Bill fame, in a fight to the death. All I […]

  3. loved the part about the rose petals, fantastic read

  4. Lilybell says:

    Ahhhh Belle. My favorite princess ever!

  5. mj monaghan says:

    Emily, you present a stout case for Belle, I must admit.

    You’ve raised the bar – I’m going to have to step up my game to get “Dirty Harry” to the next level!

    Great post!!

    Glad you didn’t do that corned beef on the bar-b, this St. Patrick’s Day?

    • edrevets says:

      No thank God. We actually accidentally “celebrated” it a day early on Friday because we thought it was the 17th and we’re in Egypt so it wasn’t painfully obvious that we were wrong. Good luck to you with Dirty Harry—this round with quotes might be tough on Belle.

  6. The Hook says:

    “Warning: contains violent material but no sex. MPAA rating: G”.
    AWW!!!
    I think you lost a lot of male readers with that one line!
    That having been said, incredibly clever and unique post!

  7. madjamison says:

    Wow! You have some wild imagination and no end of plot ideas. Very entertaining.

  8. Wanderer says:

    Whoa I loved this one. Though I landed here from freshly pressed, I liked this one better 😉

  9. jdanryan says:

    Gee, thanks; now I have to spend the day contemplating, “Quentin Tarantino’s Beauty and the Beast” thanks to this…

  10. Hala J. says:

    *High five of awesomeness* Hell freaking yeah, Belle is pretty much the most kickass Disney character EVER. And you just proved it, thank you very much.

  11. beefybooyawn says:

    That’s exactly like a dream I had once. Except it was between Tinker Bell and Vanilla Ice.

  12. Now if Disney would make THIS story into a movie, I’d pay good money to see it, and I’d be one of the first people in line at the theater! Could I borrow your imagination for a day? I promise I’ll give it back. 😉

    • edrevets says:

      I’m sure we could work out some sort of lease. I don’t need this thing all the time. Sometimes I just lay for hours at night and don’t do ANYTHING. Maybe we could trade then?

  13. The Waiting says:

    If this was how all fan fiction was, I would probably like it a lot more.

    Awesome post and congratulations on being Freshly Pressed today. You really deserved it.

    • edrevets says:

      It’s all about seeing deeper into the character…I think. I’m not actually sure. Mostly I was just motivated by beating Beatrix since I thought I had no chance. Turns out I won though. Also, thanks for your kind words about being FP’d—I really appreciated it.

  14. Audrey says:

    Whoa…. that was NOT how I saw that going…

  15. El Guapo says:

    Sure, Disney princesses look all cute and soft, but being in that corporate culture really hardens them.
    You got my vote!

  16. What an imagination! It even beats some of my wildest dreams.

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