Five Bad Ideas and One Good One

Oh sweet and savory. It does not get better. .

Uh oh. The weather is nicer than you expected and your coat and scarf are now grossly inappropriate. You’ve become too warm and are forced to take the scarf off and put it in your bag which bulges awkwardly, making you feel like a clumsy forest creature. This sucks.

Also, you’re locked out of your house.

The key is sitting on your desk, safe within the apartment’s walls. Your phone is dead, you have precious little cash on you, and your roommate is out somewhere in this godforsaken city.  She won’t be coming back until much later, if she’s even still alive. A salty panic rushes over you: “Oh God what do I do? I’m completely alone, getting hungrier and more fatigued by the second. Is there any hope??”

In order to save time, you should consider your extremely limited options as you panic. Remember that the situation is just as hopeless as it seems. You have only six possible courses of action.

  1. Break the door down. Borrow your neighbor’s Gerber Camp Axe and bash that bad boy in while thinking of people or societal situations you don’t like. When your roommate gets back and starts to ask questions, wondering why she stepped onto a heap of door splinters after entering the apartment through a gaping hole, say you don’t know what happened and that you’ll go fifty fifty with her on a replacement. Encourage silence by wearing a pair of her patterned socks as an unspoken threat.
  2. Use your spider-human powers to shoot thick, moist web from the disgusting holes in your wrists and swing up to the balcony. If the door is unlocked, you can stride right in and pretend nothing happened. If not, you can smash that bad boy in and follow the instructions from the previous piece of advice.
  3. Depending on your manna levels, you might be able to reduce your body density and float through the door. This is an advanced maneuver, however, so be careful when trying it. Internal organ damage is likely if the density reduction is done improperly.
  4. Go to the grocery store and spend all of your money on chocolate pudding. While you wait for your roommate’s return, devour it in front of your door with the spoon you keep in your pocket. The pudding won’t help you get into your house, but you’ll feel better about the situation with a belly full of pudding.
  5. Go across the street to your landlord’s mom’s apartment and eat meatballs while watching foreign soap operas until your roommate comes back (Note: this option is Egypt-specific).
  6. Go to IHOP’s National Pancake Day Celebration and eat free pancakes. Stay awhile and make friends with the staff; they are your new family. Leave your old life behind and never look back.
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11 thoughts on “Five Bad Ideas and One Good One

  1. I almost went for the chocolate pudding option, but then I remembered the Cinnacrack pancakes IHOP has. IHOP sounds like a better option!

    • edrevets says:

      Technically everything IHOP has is crack…..but who’s saying you can’t have it all, like another astute observer commented. Take the pudding with you and have the best of both worlds.

  2. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I like #6 a lot. A nice warm place with lots of pancakes. What could be better? I know that one day I’ll lock myself out of my home. I’m still working on losing the last 6 pounds because I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to get inside through the doggy door. At least I’ll try.

    • edrevets says:

      There’s certainly no harm in trying. And if you do get in, you can reward yourself with a nice stack of pancakes from IHOP, because you deserve a treat.

  3. shoes says:

    I think that in a move riddled with gross overindulgence, I would choose a combination of #4 and #6. I like chocolate pudding but I don’t know if I could turn down free pancakes eaten in a warm and friendly environment.

    • edrevets says:

      And the cool, smooth chocolate would no doubt complement the warm, cakey flavor of the pancakes.

      Wait here’s an idea: a parfait, reinvented, with layers of chocolate pudding and pancake. The staff at IHOP would be thrilled to see one so innovative sitting in their restaurant, filling their glasses up with pancake crumbs and pudding.

  4. Rich Crete says:

    If my figures are correct….checking….checking….checking….yes. they are correct. 50% of the options involve eating goodness. This is nothing less than frightfully cogent.

  5. El Guapo says:

    When I first went in to IHOP, as a little kid, I was all the workers in their blue cook shirts and hair nets and thought it was staffed by prisoners.
    Maybe you could get one of them to kick in your door…

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