Karen’s Unicorn: Gym Nuisance

this is after she was arrested and executed for manslaughter and then put on display as an artifact

So I saw Karen’s unicorn at the gym last night. She was benching about 250 in that belly shirt of hers, all her glittery unicorn flesh just hanging out for the entire gym to see and of course she was sporting those short shorts, prancing around the gym every chance she got. And that dumb swooshy tail of hers that she whips around nonstop, spraying toxic magic dust everywhere—-swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, like she’s the freaking queen of the dumbbells.

It’s pretty ridiculous if you ask me. And she never wipes the machines down. Never. So if you use one after her, you’re definitely going to get unicorn dust all over you and God knows what’s going to happen after that. I heard it can even be addictive, like you get some kind of unicorn buzz and colors are more vibrant and you feel alive, but then immediately afterwards you’re a wreck. Life loses its meaning and everything tastes like ash. People have died from this so I don’t think it’s too much to ask her to wipe down the freaking machines.

And just because she’s a unicorn, she thinks she’s so special, like she deserves to use the stationary bike for longer than 30 minutes. Well, I’ve got news for you, sugar, just because you’re a minxy tart of a shimmery, magical creature doesn’t give you the right to come into our gym, coat our machines with your poisonous dust, and then trot out of here on your pearly hooves like you own the place. What forest did you prance out of that you think this is okay? What does Karen have to say about this? Why are you using the treadmill anyways? Isn’t there some mystical wood that you can go romp around in with your other deviant friends? Can’t you just leave us non-magical folk in peace and not torment us with your sweet, sweet unicorn dust?

Do I even have to mention the experience of using the bathroom after her? It’s a nightmare. The stall is so heavily scented with cinnamon and vanilla I can hardly breathe. Literally I almost suffocated when I was changing clothes. If that wasn’t bad enough, my shoe touched one of her mane hairs left on the ground and the whole thing turned into a flock of yellow butterflies that just fluttered away.

Do you see my point here? My shoe flew away. This was my shoe, that I had purchased to wear for the purpose of engaging in athletic activity, and it flew away. This is simply unacceptable. Karen’s unicorn has got to go. I can’t stand the thought of seeing her again, doing squats with her majestic unicorn might, her belly button ring glinting in the  fluorescent lights. Do you know how distracting that is?

And I want her to buy me a pair of shoes and/or catch the flock of butterflies. Am I being unreasonable?

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28 thoughts on “Karen’s Unicorn: Gym Nuisance

  1. Too bad that you can’t work out at Planet Fitness, since they have a “no grunting policy” there and the gym strictly forbids grunting and the slamming of weights during lifts. This is so that wimpy, weak and insecure members won’t feel intimidated by other much stronger members who are obviously in much better shape. If either rule is broken, front desk personnel will set off a loud and shrill siren known as the “lunk alarm” to make the evil doer aware of his or her shameful and tiny ego threatening behavior.
    I’m sure that Planet Fitness also has a “unicorn alarm” as well. You should check it out… because there is no shame in being alarmed by unicorns at the gym, and I would feel the same way!

  2. […] You can’t escape it unless you can magically morph to a magical beast. <cough – unicorn – cough> (But I digress – I’m not going to get into my rivalry with the unicorn […]

  3. Rivki says:

    I am grinning like an, well, never mind that. Hysterical post. Fabulous for me to read with my morning coffee. Thank you!

  4. Archon's Den says:

    You deserve one, but I didn’t just nominate you for a Verstile Blogger award. Would the Imams let you have one? I’d have notified you earlier, but I can’t seem to find my damned watch.

  5. Melissa says:

    You think it’s bad where you are, try living in Edinburgh where the unicorn is the national emblem. They are over the top high and mighty around here just because they have statues and flags all over the city.

    And I’m pretty sure people just smoke the dust here…

    GREAT job taking me up on my story offer. Loved it!

  6. morezennow says:

    We could always send her to the Island of Misfit Toys?

  7. […] also: Karen’s Unicorn Share this:EmailPrintDiggShare on TumblrLike this:LikeOne blogger likes this post. This entry was […]

  8. The Dingo says:

    The upside – chupacabra are sill man’s second best friend.

  9. blitzpillager says:

    I can understand your pain and suffering, but stereotyping, and discriminating against any magical species is not, “PC.” They have rights, and feelings too you know? I think what it really is, is that you resent her success as an athlete, combined with her magical rainbow like charisma that follows her around everywhere she goes? Unicorns have greatly evolved over the last half century and contribute greatly to our society, they’re not as stuck up as they used to be. You need to look into your heart and find love again. Maybe you could borrow some gold from a Leprechaun, take a vacation, and meditate on ways you can apologize and be her friend. Unicorns need friends, I know that some of them are obnoxious and hyperactive, but our goal as responsible citizens is to help people assimilate, and feel like part of the team. 🙂

  10. El Guapo says:

    This is exactly what I was saying to my friend the captain the oth–

    Crap. Lost my watch again.

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