Let’s Pulp These Redwoods

As I was in Muir Woods yesterday, gazing up at redwood trees that were decades old, trees that oozed wisdom and earthiness and nature, I thought to myself, “These would make a dump-load of paper.” The pile would be huge! A gigantic pile of paper, a majestic pile of all different kinds of paper: magazine grade paper, cardstock, envelopes, post-its, a mosaic of various types and cuts of paper.

I wonder how many dumpsters all that paper would fill. If you took all the trees in Muir Woods and made it into paper (toilet paper, nose tissue, cardboard), I bet it would take up an entire landfill. So much waste…it would be awesome!

Just one tree would make reams and reams of paper. They’re so tall! Those towering majestic redwoods are so slender and shapely I just want to shove them into a pulper and let the magic happen.

If we made Muir Woods into paper and then took that trash to the moon and littered it everywhere, it would probably cover a large portion of the moon’s surface, or at least fill that place that’s called something like the Sea of Loneliness and we could rename it the Sea of Redwood Trash instead.

And if we took all the redwood paper and dumped it into the ocean, I can’t even imagine how much wildlife we would kill. But it would definitely be an insane amount.

Nature is awesome.

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8 thoughts on “Let’s Pulp These Redwoods

  1. This is hilarious. I love looking at nature and thinking of something completely random to describe its majesty. Not many people can look at the redwoods and be inspired by how much paper they would produce.

    • edrevets says:

      Society has always tried to limit how we experience nature. I choose to experience it through imagining how much trash it can be turned into. The revolution begins here.

  2. Linda Vernon says:

    I wonder how many toothpicks Muir Woods would make? I bet they would make your breath smell fresh.

  3. El Guapo says:

    …Not sure California is ready for you yet, edrevets!
    It is beautiful though. And if you did that, think of all the hippie habitats you’d destroy!

    • edrevets says:

      I think mother California has room for all the crazy ideas sprouting like mushrooms in the undergrowth of her beautiful, beautiful forests. But I shall consider the hippie. I shall not forget her.

  4. I wholeheartedly agree, and I would like to add that the paper would have a reddish tint to it which, of course, means it would be DELUXE paper and should be more expensive. Taking that thought even further, what if the government finally supported gay rights and made a 3 dollar bill in order to un-queer this form of currency, but it was still a little queer because it was a RED 3 dollar bill. The possibilities are endless!

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