(continued from Part One. Doctor was just about to interview the patient)
Doctor (addressing the patient for the first time): Hi, I’m Doctor, and this is Nurse. We’re your friends! Can you tell us how you feel?
Me: (drooling, eyes unfocused, legs dangling and kicking) Uhhhhh….duhhhh…doh…..bababa. Lalalalalalala. Meow!
Doctor: Hahahaha! Good meow! Now can you make people words to tell me how head feels? (gestures at head)
Me: (waving right hand around wildly, as if grasping the remote control, appearing frustrated, brow furrowed, looking at doctor with dissatisfaction) TV breakie? (bursts into tears).
Doctor: TV breakie bad bad?
Me: (nodding vigorously, wiping nose on sleeve and then rubbing eyes) Uh huh….I sad sad.
Doctor (holding up dum dums): You want snacky snack? We have tasty treat!
Me (with irrepressible joy and greed): MINE (grasps for the dum dums, shoves handful in mouth, wrappers and all)
Doctor (to the mother while patient happily chomps on the dum dums and spits out the wrappers and sticks): This is one of the worst cases I’ve seen. Usually they remember how to eat suckers. Instead, she’s become a sucker herself. (high fives Nurse).
Nurse: Nice one.
Mother: What’s happened to her?
Doctor: Ma’am, your daughter’s once healthy brain has turned into the equivalent of high quality dog food. One night of reckless Netflix usage has destroyed years of education, a college degree, and any semblance of social skills. Only electronic stimuli and pure sugar can get the neurons firing now. This is by far the worst case of Netflix mania that I’ve ever seen.
Nurse (in awe): whoa…..
Mother: Is there a cure?
Doctor: There’s no guaranteed way of reversing the damage. She may be left handicapped for the rest of her life, sitting in her own filth, clutching a jar of gummy bears as she watches progressively worse television year after year. Friends who once knew her will stop calling, and the family will grow weary of wiping the drool off her cheeks or closing her eyelids for her to sleep. The added tension will cause the family to fray, everyone’s temper growing a little shorter with the passing of the years, sharp words digging into each other’s insecurities. Friends will find excuses to stop coming over, and those who can get away, will.
Doctor: But it doesn’t have to be this way. If there’s any hope for your daughter, it lies with you and your family. You will be vigilant, ruthless. You must not let her watch television for a month and monitor her constantly. During this time, you will force her to read and engage in conversation with humans. Begin by reading aloud to her and give her treats if she does it herself. Do not let her near a computer; she will only try to watch television. When she finally begins to speak again, she will attempt to quote things she heard on television. She must not be allowed to do this: you will make her brain revive the lost synapses. I’m also going to prescribe some logic puzzles for her to complete daily. It will be grueling, but in the end, you might have a functioning daughter instead of this pathetic example of lost potential.
Mother: But…what if…
Doctor: THERE ARE NO WHAT IFS. This is your daughter’s last chance. You, maam, are her only hope, and a sorry one at that. Only you, your family, your friends, and your medical practitioner-that’s me-can prevent heartbreaking failure. I have not thought of a plan B. Unless you want to start buying Depends in bulk, you need to get your mind together so you can save her’s. Do you understand me?
Doctor: DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!
Mother: Yes sir!
Doctor: Nurse, do you understand me?
Nurse: Yes, sir!
Mother (to Nurse and Doctor): Do you understand me?
Everyone, except for me: YES SIR!
Mother: Let’s do it! (high fives all around)
I just loved this. So clever. Bravo and high fives all around! 🙂 I actually think that doctor is onto something! 🙂
Thank you very much! The doctor certainly knows his stuff. The rates of netflix mania have been skyrocketing.
Don’t worry, the Doctor Who you said you’d be watching in the previous post will make everything ok.
And obviously, “Doctor” is a shill for Big Magazine conglomerate. Tv bad for us…I’ve never heard the like!
You saw right through the ruse. I am getting paid for this.