This morning, as I was stirring my instant coffee, I finally deciphered the word Movember. Previously, I’d thought it was a call for people to move more, or perhaps a poor mashup of the word “man” and “November.” In my moment of insight, I realized the word was formed by cleverly taking the letter “m” from the word mustache and placing it at the beginning of November instead of “n.”
This revelation was followed by a visit to the campaign website, where I learned that Movember is the month known formerly as November, “where men and women across the globe join together to raise awareness and funds for men’s health issues. Men grow and women support a Mo (moustache) for 30 days to become walking, talking billboards, for our men’s health causes – prostate and testicular cancer initiatives.”
Suddenly I understood why some of my guy friends are growing out mustaches, claiming to support Movember instead of doing it without reason except for its hipster and ironic facial hair appeal.
Then I thought to myself, “This is all well and good, and men’s health is certainly important, but why can’t I raise support for the cause in an equally fun way with something only ladies can do?” So I removed the “n” and created Ovember, in which women have ovulation races.
Through a centralized tracking system on the website, millions of women across the country will be able to compare their menstrual cycles with one another in this action-packed month. The woman who increases hers the most will win a grand prize of twenty years of FLOW! feminine hygiene products, an Estonian brand known for its fiber quality that’s trying to break into the US market.
Women are encouraged to do whatever it takes to increase the number of menstrual cycles they complete in the month, including moving in with ladies who are master-ovulators, visiting various fertility pools, and praying to ancient gods.
Men who support the Ovulatrixes, which is what the participants will be called, are called Ovamen, and all the money raised from Ovember will go to purchasing fake mustaches to wear at Movember events.
Join me, ladies! Let’s ovulate!
Snotting black 