Please Love Me

I’m looking for housing. Unfortunately, I live in San Francisco, where housing prices operate on some sort of looped scheme from the future so everything’s too expensive. In other words: it’s a long, pricey journey to find a place to rest my head.

Take a look at the first couple craigslist postings and you’ll see what I mean. One person asked me to write three paragraphs on myself just so they could consider whether or not they want me. And I did it knowing I’ll probably never hear from them. I’d have written a short story, composed a poem, or emailed them a video of me dancing. I would do whatever it takes. We all would. We are the housing seekers, and we are something less than human.

It’s not enough to have friends in the city. You need to have 800 friends in the city, and not so they can let you know if anything’s opening up in their apartment building, because there isn’t. And if there is, it’s too expensive or there’s a drug lord that lives downstairs or it’s a 20 minute walk to the nearest pharmacy and you don’t like the idea that one day you’ll have to debate letting that infection fester or walking a mile in the dark to pick up the prescription, your mind addled with fever. You need the friends so you can stay with them indefinitely, so that when one friend tires of your presence, you can move onto the next who will welcome you with open arms and a warm place for your head.

If I could say anything to the people with an empty room in their apartment out there in this city, especially if they’re closer to downtown, the Mission, or Alamo Square, I would say: please love me. I’m out here trying to make it, just like you. If it pleases you I’ll be quiet and clean, and if not I’ll be loud and messy. If you want, I’ll chat with you in the kitchen after you get home from work, maybe make you a cup of tea or offer you a cold one or a wet one if you’d prefer that. I might kiss you on the cheek, if you really need that kind of support, and I’d certainly offer to tuck you into bed at night and turn the lights out and say I love you even if I don’t mean it. I’d do that for you.

And one day, when I’m a famous author, I’ll mention you to the crowd as I accept the Pulitzer Prize for best work in science fiction humor journalism, and say that it was Cynthia Crabblestick after all who helped me be who I was today, because she let me into her home and let me pay rent and wash my dishes (and hers sometimes), and didn’t complain when I woke up early or when I was laughing by myself in my bedroom.

Thank you, Cynthia. This is for you. Let me take you out to coffee with my millions of dollars of winnings.

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23 thoughts on “Please Love Me

  1. londongigger says:

    Sorry to hear about difficulties with finding housing. It is no better in London for young people. The average price of a house £250,000, that’s $350,000 US and just a room to rent will cost you £500 a month ($700US). And with high deposits required to but a property because of banks sudden aversion to risk it is not set to become better any time soon.

  2. Deepa says:

    too funny! If you can find the humor in the pain that life offers you, you are well on your way to becoming a best-selling author! keep rocking 🙂

  3. jipsee says:

    Wow! This brings up so many memories…when I was at SFSU I had that same dilemma. I ended up in the Haight (Waller/Masonic) with 5 strangers on the 3rd floor in a Victorian flat. It ended up being 2 of the best years of my life! If you’re not opposed to roommates, maybe that’s the best alternative than couch surfing or paying huge sums for your own apt…At least until you win that Pulitzer 😉

  4. Oh my god I haven’t even read this post, just saw the picture in my reader and cracked up. AMAZING headdress. Ok now back up to read 🙂

  5. Archon's Den says:

    You’re rooming with Cynthia? She was nice to me when I was there.

  6. List of X says:

    With a remote possibility that you don’t become a best-selling author… What if your friends give you shelter, and it’s all for nothing?

  7. Move to Portland. you can rent my house for $1500/ 3 bedrooms/ rent out the rooms. I stayed with a friend in NY, he lives in barely a studio/ $1800 a month. I told him he was retarded.

  8. emily#1 says:

    you’d kiss them on the cheek, huh? HUH?!

  9. tomwisk says:

    My heart goes out to you. I’ve been in the housing hunt and the emotional hell it takes you through. I settled now and am willing to sell body parts to stay here. Best of luck. Hope you get a compatible renter.

  10. Too bad you don’t need a room in Hooterville Nebraska. I have a five bedroom house with only two people and a dog. You could laugh in your room or do our dishes all night. You wouldn’t even have to tuck me in, but I’d appreciate it if you’d make me a steaming cup of Ralph’s dehydrated coffee-like crystals. Mmmmmmm! That’s the mostest excellent coffee in the world!

  11. jensine says:

    I so know what you mean … i was so lucky to find my home in the madness and extortion that is the Dublin rent market … feel for you and send you superhuman house-hunting vibes

  12. zoeelizabethc says:

    I feel bad for you, do you not have something like Spareroom.co.uk over there? Particularly for the London area, there are tons of people advertising for people to fill their rooms. And it’s a lot less dodgy than Craigslist (which we do have here, but it is only really used for said dodginess). Whenever I’ve tried looking for rooms, I’ve never really had much of a problem, as long as you come across as “normal” (just to pacify people that you’re not some kind of Axe-murderer). Also, I’ve never had any luck actually putting up “looking for” ads, since most people looking for someone to fill their room will not be bothered with looking through hundreds of such ads.

    • edrevets says:

      We have craigslist, and that’s pretty much it. It’s easier if you have a larger network, but not terribly easier.

      The first is tomorrow and I don’t have a place yet.

      It’s thrilling.

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