How to Defeat Salad Anxiety

There’s nothing more terrifying.

Lately I’ve been eating salads. Don’t ask me why or how that’s happened, just accept the fact that it has, that sometimes the salads are salty, and that I eat them along with a slice of buttered bread. I think the roughage has cleared out the macaroni and cheese residue in my brain, which is why this blog post is hilarious.

Salads as a food item have always stressed me out. Something about a plate full of leafy greens puts me on edge and all of the sudden I feel like there’s no way in spades that I’ll be able to eat all of it, because it takes so freaking long. The leaves are so big, and the dressing is spread unevenly and the toppings are always the tastiest but they’re hidden in a forest of vitamin K and if I want to chop up the salad in order to make it physically edible that’s going to take at least 2 minutes but the problem is I’m hungry NOW. Anxiety and resentment result. Lunch takes a vicious left turn for the worst.

That’s why recently I developed a new way of viewing salad-eating. No longer do I think about chopping it up or eating it with anything close to the pace of a normal meal, because salads are not a normal meal. They are a challenge. Even though I’ve never quit eating a salad because it took too long, I always feel like that’s a possisibility and I, alone in the world, hate losing.

I’m going to beat you, you dumb leafy monster.

So now, when I see those hand-like organic gems piled high on my plate, instead of even pretending to behave like a normal human being, I take my fork and pound that mother narker down, literally shoving the leaves into my mouth in order to forgo the waste of time it would be to cut them, chomping them like my bovine cousins (cows, not my actual cousins).

As a result, I’ve beaten every salad recently in ever shorter amounts of time, but I’m now also afraid to eat salads around other people, for fear they will judge me for my salad-pounding prowess. But that’s another struggle for another blog post.

Today I defeat the salad. Tomorrow the world. And on Friday, I take a break and go to the park. It’s me time.

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9 thoughts on “How to Defeat Salad Anxiety

  1. Reblogged this on healingthymeproducts and commented:
    A little inspiration for you “non-salad eating newbies”, haha!

  2. alivfaizalmuhammad says:

    Well, I think I have been once like you. To be honest, I don’t like vegetables that much. I saw people on tv eating salads and any green things as if they liked it. I thought that was the life of modern people. Then, I started pretending to enjoy eating leaves the uncooked one and that’s what I did. Seafood is preferred.

  3. Kimberly says:

    Hahah… I feel the same way about salads. Though the ones I make at home are very light on lettuce, heavy on everything else. Lettuce, what a waste of space! Like you said, too hard to eat, and not as tasty as the toppings! Nice.

  4. Amen, sista! SHOW those leafy monsters who’s boss!

  5. Arizona girl says:

    More salad equals more of those yummy little cookies, right? 😉

  6. GreedyFrog says:

    You are hilarious. Fact.

  7. artzent says:

    You are sooooo funny !Enjoy your me time- sans salad?

  8. I hear that roughage is good for cleaning out the mac and cheese residue from other places, too. In my case, that could be the same place…

  9. sillyliss says:

    Best salad anxiety post I’ve read all day!

    I’m gonna start forking and pounding my mother narking salad, too! I’m bovine-and-snotting inspired!

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