Two Chicken Dinners and an All-Star Airplane Sleazebag

That’s my neighbor’s house. Don’t stare too much.

I take a brief intermission from the land of Sheba to proudly announce that I have made it through homeland security and am now in the United States of America. After over 24 hours of being in-transit, I and my half eaten box of McVities digestive biscuits arrived unharmed in the wonderful state of Oklahoma, where I was greeted by exactly half of my family who were unaware of the severity of my state of jetlag and country immersion shock.

This shock became quite apparent only 45 minutes later when I brought up, in the company of my bride-to-be sister, her fiancée, and a friend of his that I had just met, how I had been thinking about lingerie for sister and how it would be funny to buy a bra and panty set made entirely out of bacon.

All this talk about meaty panties made the crowd a little uncomfortable, especially because where I’m from we pretend males don’t know that we buy and wear underwear. The joke still got big laughs from me, however, and you can expect a meat lovers’ lingerie post to be coming up.

The travel from Egypt was fairly uneventful and I successfully slept open-gobbed on three different flights and one café table.

The flight from Amman (flew there from Cairo) to Chicago was about 12 hours long and I was looking forward to passing out because I hadn’t slept at all the night before. The plane wasn’t full and I had high hopes that I would have the two seats next to the window all for me.  I planned on curling up and traipsing through dreamland as soon as possible.

However, I and my sleepy dreams were in danger. One over-gelled man was planning to ruin everything.

I was looking out the window for a few minutes and when I looked back all of the sudden there was giant man sitting next to me. He had mild halitosis and clearly thought he was God’s gift to the entire airplane and to me in particular.

Almost all of the seats around us were empty, yet here he was, leaning his girth into my personal space and polluting my air with his foul breath. Why was he tormenting me, I thought. He introduced himself by saying he name was Toffee (or something similar) and that he planned on talking for the entire flight. I wanted to die.

From the outset, he made it clear that he was putting his moves on me, which included asking me to prove my Arabic skills by saying I love you, offering me some of his sleeping pills, verifying if the boyfriend I had in Cairo was just for fun or not, and inviting me to come to Northern California, with or without my bf (wink.) It was pretty pathetic.

After about five minutes of painful and unwanted conversation, I told him that it was a pleasure meeting him and that I was going to go to sleep. I turned my back towards him and after about three minutes he took off, having realized that this “sweet, good-looking girl” (his words, not mine) was not going to take his magic pills or waste any more breath talking to him. In the end, the flight was quite pleasant and I slept, watched 2 movies and 2 television shows, and ate chicken twice.

If you’re reading this, Toffee, thanks for the blog fodder. I look forward to avoiding eye contact with you very soon in San Francisco.

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28 thoughts on “Two Chicken Dinners and an All-Star Airplane Sleazebag

  1. arianejanson says:

    I met a similar man on a flight once, though he didn’t offer me any ‘magic pills’, fortunately. He did, however, have frothy saliva permanently living at the corners of his mouth and made no attempt to remove it. I felt physically sick and also said I was going to sleep. He kept trying to wake me, so we could continue our terrifyingly predatory conversation.

    I feel for you.

    • edrevets says:

      Thanks—luckily for me the creep eventually moved. I’m glad you (apparently) touched down safely. Why do jerks think they can do that?

      • arianejanson says:

        I’m assuming it’s because no one on the ground will speak to them at all, due to the saliva issues and random attempts at giving what was probably the date rape drug to young women. On the ground, we can run. On a plane, the options are significantly lessened.

        Perhaps we should look at mobile ejector seats – kind of like a clip-on deal. Though I’m not sure what implications that could have on airline safety. Worth it though, probably.

  2. Ha! You’re too polite. My daughter would have told him to f*ck off.

    • edrevets says:

      I aspire to use such strong language in the future. Alas my country upbringing has taught my that a smile and a polite word always do the trick. Hopefully the Pacific coast will show me otherwise.

  3. Just be glad he didn’t continue to hit on you while you were sleeping… Ack!! X(

    And the bacon panties and bra set really is genius.

  4. Eeww, how repulsive! Seriously, you are too nice, I’d have shut that sucker down quick. I can’t even be bothered talking to nice-smelling, polite air travelers, never mind sleazes !!

  5. HAHAHAHA this was Royal Jordanian right? I believe the name might be Tawfiq, which when pronounced is very close to Toffee – hahaha just love it! Did he have a big nasty moustache?
    Congrats on surviving that trip – truly an entertaining read!

    • edrevets says:

      Thanks for reading! It may have been——-I think it was modified for the western ear. No mustache but annoying hair. After he left, things looked up but I’m grateful for survival of all parties. Someone would have had to go if he stayed.

  6. Roly says:

    How’s this for a bacon bra

  7. See, it is a really good thing I wasn’t in that situation. I’m fairly certain I would have molotov’d him and tossed him out the airlock.
    I am rarely, if ever, allowed on planes.

  8. List of X says:

    What airline was that? This guy may have been the scheduled in-flight entertainment because they do not have any TV’s on the plane

    • edrevets says:

      Negative—it was Royal Jordanian and I had all the classic movies I wanted to entertain me until the cows came home. This dude thought I wanted something more. I didn’t.

  9. tomwisk says:

    Welcome home. I’d give my eye teeth to be there when the weary world traveler confronts her family, mind still in Cairo, body in Oklahoma. Been there, the facial expressions are priceless when you speak not realizing your brain hasn’t caught up.

    • edrevets says:

      Thanks a lot. The expressions on my sister’s face, as well as those of her fiance’s and her friend were priceless. They thought I had lost my mind. Unfortunately, I haven’t done a lot to change that.

  10. Bacon panties? I think that we need to always keep an open mind about such ideas… How does that thing go again about the introduction of a brilliant new scientific theory? “All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”

    I think that it could be the same deal with bacon panties. Are you willing to run with this and go the distance? You sure go the distance when you fly… 24 hrs??? My gawd… they might have to put me on a suicide watch. It’s not that I have any fear of flying – I just hate running the entire post 911 gauntlet of commercial flying, and even before that, I hated really long flights – that were only half as long as yours.

    But this made me smile: “After about five minutes of painful and unwanted conversation, I told him that it was a pleasure meeting him and that I was going to go to sleep.”

    Having just taken off from Honolulu HI for a 12 hr flight home, I did the exact same thing to this hyperactive guy from Florida, who (and this is for real) sat next to me, and TOLD me that his own family wouldn’t let him sit with them, because he can never shut up. I listened to him talk for all of 5 minutes about his revolutionary new direct marketing idea, and then I did just what you did… because otherwise I would have had to kill him.

    • edrevets says:

      What is it about strangers on planes that makes them think other strangers want to listen to them. We don’t. Really, we don’t. I always like travel time because it’s an excuse to not talk to anyone…hermiting in plain sight. It’s wonderful.

      • They are obviously delusional socialpaths, (not to be confused with sociopaths, although sometimes both psycho-pathologies are present in the same personality) with a compulsive need to socialize with strangers, since even though delusional, they are aware that people who already know them, want nothing to do with them.

  11. I think brisket would work much better than bacon. It already comes on large flat sections that could be pounded paper thin and sewn together. However, I do love the smell of bacon. I have read where they are actually coming out with bacon scented colognes. Not sure I’ll be in line at the cologne counter when that happens though. And look on the bright side, at least you didn’t have to call for the air Marshall. Some guys just can’t take a hint, subtle or not.

    • edrevets says:

      Hmmm….brisket is not a bad idea. I feel like it doesn’t have as passionate as a following, but I can definitely throw it in the meat lover’s lingerie line.

  12. Addie says:

    Meat underwear? That’s so last year Lady GaGa. I’d go with Spam. Neither meat nor food by-product, it is a substance all it’s own in the nutrition world.

    • edrevets says:

      Lady Gaga wishes she had the idea for meat lingerie, but I agree with you that Spam would be in a market all its own. What’s next? Vienna beef sausages? Pickled hooves? The possibilities are endless!

  13. evea192 says:

    Luckily i am not a vegetarian….I love meat.

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