How to Tell Your Partner About the Black Hole You Just Created

a photo I just took in my laboratory

Telling your partner you accidentally set the earth on an irreversible path to destruction is not a comfortable subject. However, if you care for them, then you understand that he or she deserves to know they have roughly three minutes before being swallowed up into an abyss of infinitely dense spacetime.

The ideal way to address the subject is in a romantic environment, while walking on the beach at sunset, gazing into each others’ eyes after a fancy meal, or watching the lights twinkle on in one of the world’s great cities.

Unfortunately, it’s unlikely you’ll be in any of those situations. In reality, you’re lucky if your loved one is even close enough to your laboratory so you can run up and tell them the news in person.

But, if you have the good fortune to be addressing them in person, the first thing you should do is look deeply into their eyes and reaffirm how much you care about them. At the same time, remember the black hole is expanding as you speak. Be brief.

Once you make your feelings clear, lead into the subject gently by saying, “You know that secret particle accelerator I’ve been working on? Well, it turns out that just seconds ago I created a very small black hole. It’s not dangerous now, but–this is the scary part–in three minutes it’s going to engulf the entire earth and swallow all of us into oblivion. There’s a way to reverse it, but the internet’s being weird so I can’t look it up. I’m telling you this because I really care about you. On the bright side, we won’t have to get the transmission fixed. Let’s just spend these last few minutes together.”

Keep in mind that the most difficult part of telling them will not be the black hole itself, but the fact this hole will suck up the entire earth and end both of your lives. Also, make sure they know this is not a joke.

They may or may not have a chance to respond, but if they do, it will likely be garbled nonsense because of the mental shock. They may laugh, say I love you back, or feel a vague sense of gratitude and admiration that you had the guts to tell them in the first place.

You should be grateful for their confusion, because it will allow you to spend your last moments together in relative peace, regardless of what your relational status was beforehand. It will be like the time your puppy was adorable and sleepy after she got spayed. The most important part is that you enjoy your last few moments together.

Should you have to send a text message instead of telling them in person, use the bad news sandwich method, putting the unpleasant revelation of the black hole between two happy bits of news. Here’s an example: I love you and I’m so sorry but I just created a black hole in my laboratory and the earth is going to be destroyed. :(. No need to worry about making dinner tonight. Love you always.

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40 thoughts on “How to Tell Your Partner About the Black Hole You Just Created

  1. You’re lucky, you got to talk to your loved one before they got sucked up. Mine was crushed in to a quantum singularity in an instant. Sigh. What a Valentines Day that was.

  2. Karen Wan says:

    Very funny! Loved this. This deserves to get Freshly Pressed!

  3. Roly says:

    Hahaha lol Great advice thanks

  4. Jas says:

    ha ha…. 🙂 how come you come up with such crazy ideas!

  5. So dark. I thought I was reading Nietzsche for a second.
    It is 2012.

  6. One of Three, you have done it again. My side hurts from the laughing, or maybe it is the adverse effects of my being sucked inside out due to the vacuum of the black hole. Hilarious.

  7. I would opt for the text message route, personally. I am bad at giving bad news and hate goodbyes even more. Great stuff!!

  8. Much of the time it can be the little things that shouldn’t really matter, that get blown way out of proportion, and then needlessly cause misunderstandings,resentments and animosities that can fester and linger on for years, often without any real resolution for entire lifetimes.

    But in your case here, it’s the little thing that destroys all time, things, reality, matter, proportions, and space, along with everything that ever existed in the entire universe, including anything with the ongoing potential to be a long term pain in the ass. Nothing can needlessly matter because matter no longer exists, and there is nothing but infinite nothingness.

    Comparing these two scenarios, I think I prefer the one of your creation. In fact I find it very relaxing to think about. Instead of many mistakes that grow into problems that get bigger and worsen for many years, there is only one mistake that lasts three minutes, and then there are no problems because it is no longer possible for problems or anything else to exist.

    It’s just “Oopsie! Uh Oh… Sorry. I love you honey…” and then over and out. Did you include details for how this event could be brought about? I’ll have to reread.

    LOL – In my next life, (assuming that anything is still possible, or there is anything at all) I think that I want to be just like you, and I say that without a trace of irony. You are uniquely and humorously brilliant once again. 🙂

    • edrevets says:

      Wow. You must have a badge for silver lining spotting or something, because that was an incredible and deep interpretation and analysis of the scenario. I am in awe. I didn’t write instructions for how to bring about the black hole, but now that I know you’re interested in making one I’m torn between doing it and destroying my secret particle accelerator lab forever…I hope I didn’t give anything away.

  9. chyrampsc says:

    Why wait for it to happen? Start shopping for the Hallmark “I’m Sorry” card now and keep it in a drawer just in case.

  10. Rich Crete says:

    “Honey, I have something super important to tell you.”

    “Shut up, you idiot! Can’t you see I’m on the phone?”

    “Not for long, Sweetums. Not for long.”

  11. hahahaha… so so funny… i still cant stop laughing….best part was the SMS sample… 😀

  12. Will Bailey says:

    “Look, honey, isn’t the (event) horizon beautiful?!”

  13. jensine says:

    Thanks for the giggle …and yes black hole extending as I type

  14. sillyliss says:

    This is the best post ever and I’m so sorry but I just created a black hole in my laboratory and the earth is going to be destroyed. 😦 . That last post was pretty awesome, too.

    Boy, the bad news sandwich method REALLY WORKS!

  15. jokerbiker says:

    You may be the next Douglas Adams. 🙂

    • edrevets says:

      Or he may be the next my-mother. That doesn’t make sense, but I’m keeping it.

      • jokerbiker says:

        Have you not read/seen The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy? It’s very related to your blog.

      • edrevets says:

        I actually haven’t, but it appears that I need to do so and soon. I almost bought the book one time at the airport, but then I think I read something by Charles Dickens instead. Hitch-hikers would have been a better choice.

      • jokerbiker says:

        A very good read, a great TV series and a rather mediocre film. And look out for ‘Towel day’ on the 25th May for all Douglas’ fans to celebrate him and his writing.

  16. minlit says:

    Thanks. I know this will come in handy some day.
    Have you been overdosing on Douglas Adams by any chance?

    • edrevets says:

      No I haven’t, and believe it or not, I haven’t even read any of his books, even though I’ve wanted to and I know I’ll enjoy them. Must read Douglas Adams and then steal his brain….

      • minlit says:

        I sent to my sis who is a physicist. It’ll probably end up in their health and safety documentation.
        Think Douglas Adams’ brain might by a bit squishy by now….Still, worth a try.

  17. This is genius. Hope it gets Freshly Pressed. It deserves it.

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