This recipe was taken from an episode of Top Chef: Personal Lives
To make the perfect deconstructed PB&J:
Make sure you are alone. Check the bedrooms, kitchen, closets, basement, staircases, and behind, making sure you are unaccompanied. Lock the doors.
Stalk your way to the kitchen. Be furtive. The more furtive you are, the better the deconstructed sandwich will taste. A furtive sandwich is a tasty sandwich.
Glance around shamefully, then reach into the cabinet and withdraw the half empty jar of peanut butter from its lair. You are not a pessimist, but there’s no denying you’ve already eaten half of the peanut butter. It is a large jar, with 24 servings, a total of 48 tablespoons. You’ve done the math. There is no call for optimism here.
Make sure you are alone.
Quietly, ever so quietly, remove the lid. Quickly check behind you and then grab a knife from the drawer, a butter knife. Slowly close the squeaky drawer, trying to make as little noise as possible. Wince at every creak. A quiet sandwich is a good sandwich.
today, we dine on pb&j alone
With the jar and knife, creep to your bedroom, shutting the door behind you. Set the peanut butter timer for ten minutes. Crawl into bed and, with the knife, eat the peanut butter, varying your technique slightly from bite to bite. It’s just you, the knife, the peanut butter, and the timer.
When the timer goes off, jump as if something has scared you. Realize it was just the fact you sat by yourself in your room alone eating peanut butter for ten minutes. Push this thought away and then continue making the deconstructed PB&J.
Pick up the jar and knife, cleaned of all traces of peanut butter, and make your way back to the kitchen. The lights in the house should be off, curtains closed except for a crack through which you can see the outside world. Sandwiches in the dark are toothsome sandwiches.
In the kitchen, place the peanut butter back in its dark corner.
Choose your favorite spoon, the one you eat frosting and ice cream with, the one you would take with you should you ever travel again, the spoon you would want your friends to see, the spoon you would want to look like if you still went out to social events.
Open the mostly empty fridge and remove your only jar of jam, which is almost gone. Open it up and slurp down a few mouthfuls with your spoon. Reassure yourself that you deserve this. Notice how the sweet, cool, smooth texture of the jam contrasts beautifully with the creamy, slightly savory, nutty aftertaste of the peanut butter. Afterwards, notice how you are eating jam out of the jar.
A quiet sandwich is a good sandwich.
Screw the lid on the jam and put it back. After closing the door, glance at the pictures on the fridge. Wonder if you should call your mother.
Eat a slice of bread later on, after waking from your nap.
P.S. Teddie Peanut Butter is the best.
Snotting black 
[…] If you liked this, you might also like Experimentation in Pastries at Craftsmen and Wolves, Purchasing and Eating a Sandwich, and Deconstructed Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. […]
What if I want a tasty sandwich that is toothsome, but not good? Can I modify steps, or would that be a completely different recipe?
Different recipe—–I’ll post that in a few months so stay tuned. You’ll have to settle for tasty sandwiches until then. For that, I am sorry.
Life’s slightly complicated pleasures are the best pleasures of all! 🙂
There is a quiet satisfaction that comes from completing the steps with patience and anticipation.
Anything eaten with furtiveness is delicious! My mom tried to hide her candy from me when I was young, that precious furtive, “Almond Rocha!,” ….
I found it because my furtive skills were better than hers:)
One of my friends just told me about Almond Rocha—-almonds, butter, chocolate, sugar…dear God what deliciousness! With a dab of furtivity (not a word, but still not to be confused with fertility), it is probably among the most delicious things on the planet.
Good furtive-ing!
It is a wonderful blend of fine confections…the chocolate and almonds covers the crunchy-yet-pliable toffee in a delicious way, a way that makes it worth the risk of getting caught sneaking into your mothers secret hiding place to eat some. Ha ha, I was a 4 year old mastermind. Each one is individually wrapped, and I would place the wrappers in the same place she left her wrappers, thus hiding the evidence with great crafty precision. 🙂
Furtive sandwiches ARE better.
Don’t I know it. I had one yesterday…soooo furtive.
I can seriously relate to this.
You obviously have an eye for delicious, gourmet, secretive meals.
Ah, there’s NOTHING like eating jam right out of the jar. Just don’t tell the rest of the people who live in this house (i.e. my kids and husband) that I said so. 😉
Great post! I really enjoy your writing and look forward to reading more of it.
Thanks for the kind words!
I love jam out of the jar. It’s just like candy, except for colder, and more delicious.
Another boy my son went to high school with, had a part-time job at a supermarket. Apparently he had to work very quietly because, on his school report about his job, he said that it was, “stalking shelves.”
That’s not easy to do….shelves can be very skittish.