This Guy Sucks

Hey! You suck! 

There sure are a lot of problems these days. The way I see it, things kind of suck the whole world over. Here in Egypt, people are pissed off that life isn’t much better after the revolution. It turns out you can’t teach old scum bags new tricks and the old men who stayed in charge from Mubarak’s era are still good-for-nothing tax gobblers. In America, even though we are completely satisfied with our politicians, we are still constantly embarrassed by, among other things, the extravagant cost of higher education, pesky racial divides, our obesity, our impressive income inequality, and the fact we want to stay really rich but seem to have no money.

I could go on and discuss the pathetic state of our judicial system, the fact we’re losing our competitive edge to  developing countries whose foods we like, and the seeming illiteracy of the coming generation, but then I’d start to get sleepy from the sadness.

When confronted with all these issues, it’s hard to know who to blame. There are simply too many candidates. Do I blame Barack Obama, the Democrats, the Republicans, the Soviets, Europe, poodles, Mom, Dad…who? And I can’t blame something nebulous like “human nature” or the “capitalist system” or “greed.” That’s not nearly satisfying enough. I want a face I can yell at, an ugly mug I can jab at and say, “You suck!”

That’s why, for the past five minutes, I’ve been searching relentlessly for someone who can be the recipient of all our rage, some lame schmuck that can be the symbol of every inefficiency and injustice that exists. After minutes of intensely focused effort,  I think I found him. It’s this guy.

It’s all his fault! He did it! He decided to invade Iraq, Vietnam, and Cuba at great financial and moral cost to the US. It was him! He’s the one who has been melting the glaciers and strangling endangered species.  At night, while good Americans are at home with their families, reading their children bedtime stories, he’s out whispering into the ears of politicians and selling them his fancy new weapons and giving them ideas for how to use them.

He causes skin cancer! He stokes the fires of racial division! He made our educational system unequal! It was fine before he came along, but then BOOM everything was awful!

He’s why Americans are too fat! He’s why middle school girls dress like Ke$ha! He’s the cause of partisan conflict in the White House! He’s why Oklahoma isn’t Colorado! He’s why many Americans have their most intimate relationships with TSA officials! He made healthcare expensive! He created Valentine’s Day!

It’s his fault! I don’t care about the other issues. What will the stance of our future political leaders be on this guy? Will it be a resolute “Let’s get him!” or a pathetic “Let’s allow him to continue trampling our society and future.” Isn’t the answer obvious?

I say let’s get him and while we’re at it, let’s have a good yell.


photo credit: Ambro at

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35 thoughts on “This Guy Sucks

  1. This blog is awesome. It just is.

  2. Jacqueline says:

    Hey! You Suck! Haha. Hilarious!

  3. jjotter says:

    I have been feeling angry, frustrated and helpless that our poopy politicians are not listening to the people. And now I know who to blame it on! So simple. Hahahaha! Hilarious post! I love it!!

  4. mfearing says:

    I used to think he was OK. But now, when I know the truth. Man, what a let down he is to his family.

    Funny post.

  5. somekindaodd says:

    I am glad that you found this guy. My crazy-ex Was under the impression that i was this guy, now the next time she tries to blame me for all that is stale in her life, I can point tot this guys..

  6. the master says:

    I’m so glad I found this post, because man, do I need to vent! Normally I just hurl abuse at strangers from from my window. Now I can vent at this guy! Which is much more therapeutic and (probably) won’t result in a visit from the local constabulary.

    He’s responsible for every bad thing that’s ever happened to me, every bad idea I’ve ever had. He’s the reason I’m stuck in a cold, dingy flat. He’s the reason I have a bad back. He’s the guy who walked around proudly naked in the changing room of the swimming baths my lower school class attended. He’s the reason I’m on the internet on a Friday night, rather than outside making a million bad decisons based on his bad advice.

    This could be the the birth of a new major religion, one based not on the worship but on contempt. One focusing on disasters rather than miracles, internet trolls rather than saints. One that would skip the day of rest and go straight to Monday morning. December 25th could become “Kick This Guy In The Face” Day. You could call it “Suckism”! Actually don’t, that’s a terrible name. Don’t blame me, it was his idea.

  7. Denise says:

    What? I can’t believe this guy! Not cool, dude. And that’s an evil jumper if ever I saw one.

  8. Ha, funny post! So this is THE guy. I suppose it’s time to tell him what’s he’s done 🙂 Does he even know yet?

    • edrevets says:

      Well considering he did it all in cold blood I bet he does, but I also bet he’d never admit it. What a bad guy. That’s all I can say–(also, thanks for reading!)

  9. Coming East says:

    That guy is as guilty as sin, and he’s proud of it. Glad you found someone we can focus our anger on because I really was beginning to think it was our ineffective Congress, and boy would I have been wrong!

  10. Funny girl. I just gave you a shout out on my latest post this afternoon.

    • edrevets says:

      Thanks again for the shout out———————if it is ever granted to me that I should become notorious in any way, then you have inspired me to instantly turn that around and spread the wealth.

  11. Spectra says:

    As i am just now building my new Road Kill collection for future taxidermy projects, I say let’s convert him to a decomposing pile of roadside carnage, scrape ‘im up, stuff ‘im, put his eyeballs in a jar of formaldehyde and put him on display In Times Square for all to spit upon. This should do wonders for the National Psyche. We will then know we are good to go forward into a problemless future world.

  12. El Guapo says:

    He looks a little like Leo Buscaglia.
    Never liked that guy….

    I like to blame that jackass going 40mph in the left lane when I’m in a hurry. Maybe it’s a conspiracy between hte two of them?

  13. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Yet, there he sits, oblivious to the damage he’s done, the lives he’s ruined. He’s probably reading his memoir there – he’s at the chapter about Germany and the Holocaust. Yeah, he sucks.

    Loved this post!

  14. Squid says:

    I think that might be my Uncle Travis. I haven’t actually seen him stoking the fires of racial division, but he did invent Valentine’s Day.

  15. JM Randolph says:

    Hey, is that Colonel Sanders? I definitely don’t like his sweater. He sucks.

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