Warning: this post discusses something so incredibly awesome your eyeballs are likely to explode on monitors and other electronic equipment. Consider yourself warned.
Some things are hard to say. Words choke in the throat. Cold fingers trip over keys. Sleepiness robs the mind of its sharpness. Synapses are replaced with teddy bear stuffing.
Yet it must be said.
The words must be forced out. They will be squeezed slowly and with purpose, zit-like. The entirety of meaning and expression, the enthusiasm and despair of everything will be pressed and molded into a loaf, a delicious loaf of meaning. Then the loaf will be eaten and everyone will know.
Emotion wells up within me. I cannot bear to hold it in any longer. The naked truth will burst out of me like 10 o’clock secrets at a cocktail party. Oh God here it comes. There is no stopping it! Reality is nigh upon us!
I LOVE BATHROOM READING!
Oh sweet bathroom reading! Is there anything more delicious than reposing on the commode whilst leafing through a Spring 2010 LL Bean catalog? Or the William’s Sonoma quarterly left in your parents’ bathroom? Or the ancient Wal-Mart receipt found in a newly discovered jean pocket?
Could there be anything better than taking the extra 3-5 minutes to finish the chapter in one’s current book or lingering over the pictures in a coffee table affair on the beauty of the Rocky Mountains?
Once upon a time I was afraid of the people’s opinions. I felt suspicious glances when I went off the restroom and imagined others silently taking notice of my absence and judging me for any delays and marking down the state of my return. Shamefully and hurriedly I would perform the bathroom functions with machine-like efficiency. I did not enjoy the time I spent in the pooper.
But no longer.
Bathroom time is me time, and I’m going to take a freaking Dickens novel in there if I feel like it. I might not even be going using the toilet. Maybe I just wanted a quiet place where I don’t have to wear pants.
Let the masses think what they will, but make no mistake, the stack of reading next to my toilet is for exactly what they think it is, and if they’re human—as they claim to be–they best avail themselves of it as well.
I’ve read too many shampoo bottles in my lifetime to be subjected to that monotony in the comfort of my own home.
Therefore I say: may peace reign over the earth, and may every man, woman, and child read while taking a dump.
Snotting black 
Yay! Another who comes out of the bathroom clutching a good book! High Five Sister! 🙂
*puts book down* *high five!*
This was a great post, I totally feel the same way! I love bathroom reading and sometimes I [dare I say] take time off to do so. The best chapters from my favorite books I’ve read them whilst in my throne.
And there’s no shame in that. Do it at work too and then it’s even better.
I personally don’t get bathroom reading. When I’m in the bathroom it’s to pursue one goal and that is to lose some weight from my insides by squeezing my head and crinkling my eyes, and then get on with what I was doing before.
I have however lived with someone who would not appear out of the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity at each visit. Not that I missed her. She rarely did anything good.
But good luck to all who read in there.
J
But what do you do while you’re losing weight from the insides?? What do your eyes stare at?? I must be distracted from my humanity!
Good for you! Since my wife doesn’t like a cluttered bathroom, I need to take something to read in with me and haul it back out afterwards, so there’s really no mystery to what’s going on in there. Too bad! It’s like you said – it’s me time AND multitasking on the most basic level.
I aspire of getting to the point one day when I can take novels into airplane bathrooms fearlessly.
I feel priviledged to be a dog and therefore able to do what I do in the garden. Ah the fresh air, you can’t beat it.
That’s completely true. Anyone who has ever answered nature’s call while in nature with a bare bum knows there’s nothing more refreshing. And as a dog that blogs and presumably reads, you get the best of both worlds: the written word and the great outdoors.
I used to keep bathroom books in there, until a couple of my friends mentioned in passing how much they hated bathroom books and I definitely felt like I was being JUDGED. Alas.
You’re not alone. Many have been judged for believing in bathroom reading. Even more have been persecuted for it. And yet we stride on….
Ha ha! Great writing! The truth will set you free! 🙂
That’s what my mother always said!
Umm…glad you found something to be passionate about?
Everyone needs a passion. And every thing needs someone to be passionate about it. It’s a win win.