Snotting black

As I sat at my friend’s apartment deeply pondering the political turmoil in Egypt and my miraculous completion of a homework assignment, I found myself struggling to come up with a blog post idea. Despite the fact that we are living in unusual times and Christmas is coming, I pulled blank after blank. Finally I began considering what kind of foods, after being thrown, would stick to a wall. As I delved further into this topic, I realized what an intellectual treat it would be  to analyze the traditional foods of Thanksgiving through this lens of viscosity and velocity.

Allow me to present the results of my brief investigation:

For purposes of simplicity, I have divided the foods into the categories of stickers, non-stickers, conditional stickers, and sliders. A sticker being, of course, something that would remain on the wall for a period of no less than 10 minutes after being thrown. Conditional stickers are things that would stick depending on the circumstances, and sliders are things that would ooze down the wall slowly before puddling into goo at its base. I’ve commented on the particular nature of some dishes, while leaving the rest to personal interpretation.

Stickers:

Mashed Potatoes (those with a fairly firm consistency)

Sweet Potato Casserole

Jello Salad: this fine traditional midwestern dish that provides a preview of dessert at the dinner table would most certainly grace a wall for a few minutes after being flung upon it

Pumpkin pie: a little too gooey sometimes for my taste, this viscous dessert would most certainly join its mashed brethren in decorating the wall.

Non-Stickers:

Rolls

Turkey legs

Leafy green salad: though one or two leaves that are particularly soaked with dressing might stick, odds are most of it would just bounce right off. You  shouldn’t have too much dressing on the salad anyways. If it sticks, you might want to consider laying off the blue cheese dressing

Apple Crostata with Cinammon-Almond Topping: not only will this not stick, but you’ve probably annoyed most people at the potluck by insisting that your crostata is not an apple pie.

Conditional Stickers:

Slices of turkey, depending on size and whether or not someone ruined the turkey by over cooking it

Stuffing/dressing, depending on if it’s inedibly dry, disgustingly mushy, or toothsomely perfect

Pecan Pie, depending on the velocity with which it was thrown

Sliders:

Gravy

Green Bean Casserole: no doubt some of this would remain plastered to the wall, but a good amount would probably slither all the way down

Cranberry Sauce

There is certainly more to be said, but I will leave some fun for Christmas, where many of the same dishes will once again be over-eaten and then lobbed against the walls.